Is it really PA or could it simply be age and ED?

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by djdcgc4, May 25, 2019.

  1. djdcgc4

    djdcgc4 Fapstronaut

    I first joined this forum a few months ago while trying to figure what was going on with my BF and his lack of sexual interest. After reading numerous stories I became convinced PMO was the issue. I out right asked him and he admitted to porn use but he didn’t feel like it was excessive Enough to cause pied/DE. Since then due to a tragedy and loss we haven’t had time to work on things. I’m supportive and by his side but during this time I really started to question something’s that a few weeks ago I was sure about. I was sure PMO was the main factor contributing to our dead bedroom so to speak. So I started bullet pointing factors.

    Male late 30s
    Spent his 30s without any length of relationship. ( alone)
    Works 7 days a week and has for 10 years. He literally only takes of work for us to travel. And still manages to keep his house very clean. Dishes, laundry, sweeping, mopping, all of it he does by himself.
    Hair loss- I thought was hereditary because he was so young but I have noticed none of the other men in his family have hair loss. I first met him at around 33-34. And hair loss was present then.
    He is not overweight by any stretch but does carry some weight at his waistline and out front. I’m the beginning he had lost this weight ( active sex life) but has since put it back on ( sex life non existent)
    Breast tissue is fairly soft, with notable fatty deposits due to weight gain present.
    Minimal chest, arm, back hair,
    Very low libido and thinks it’s because our love is deeper than that.
    Family history of diabetes
    No consistent exercise the last several years but when running everyday he appears to have slight increase in libido and seems to have stronger erections occasionally
    He says I can go through his phone anytime
    No home computer
    He doesn’t exhibit some of the behaviors I read about here like anger, hiding in the bathroom, turning things around when confronted, ignoring me, or showing lack of interest in our relationship.
    He plans regular date nights every week.
    Makes effort to surprise me with last minute day dates. Always loving, and puts me first. He rubs my back nearly every night.
    Brings me coffee in bed every single day.

    All that to say is it possible that he is just having normal ED issues? Low testosterone maybe? Early onset diabetes? And admitted to porn use because occasionally he uses ot to satisfy himself because he suffering from ED and doesn’t know what else to do?

    I’m afraid I jumped to conclusions but I’m also afraid I’ll make excuses to not face up to something like PA.

    I just have realized that from a time stand point he is rarely alone so PMO to an excess that would cause pied and low libido is almost impossible unless he is going to the bathroom 3x a day to do so at work?

    Yes he has DE, and has always struggled to maintain erection strong enough for sex, he has made statements about “ going to a place in his mind” when attempting to arouse, made statements about too much masturbation ( to keep erection strength up) and Seems to shy or unwilling to open up in this area.

    When you hit the high points I almost feel like PMO was used only out of loneliness from time to time and only continued because actually having intercourse is near impossible and he doesn’t know how to handle it?

    So is it really porn addiction or could I have misjudged?

    If it truly is ED why wouldn’t he tell me? Why wouldn’t he want to get help so we could be intimate? What are the fears he might be having and have I further contributed but insinuating porn addiction is the problem?

    Appreciate any insight!
    llortaton and learning like this.
  2. learning

    learning Fapstronaut

    That does sound like it might be hormones or other psychological issues. Maybe you can go to a sex therapist?
    llortaton likes this.
  3. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    This, to me is a huge red flag. Men who have a porn problem often feel shameful. They have a really hard time stepping out of denial to even see that porn is a problem in their lives. Because it is their coping skill, the PROTECT IT. They get so used to living a lie that lying is second nature. And with incognito you could go through his phone and not find anything ever. He has spent a decade in no relationship also- many PAs have no clue how to date or attempt sexual relations-especially over time when PMO is all they know.
    30's is still quite young to have organic non PMO induced ED.
    Lots of red flags here. And it feels like he is gaslighting you telling you that he has no libido because "your love is deeper than that". You have sexual needs and he is neglecting that. Sexual expression is hugely important to commited relationships. Something fishy is going on here.
  4. djdcgc4

    djdcgc4 Fapstronaut

    Thank you for the feedback! Obviously there is definitely an issue. He is working at it. I bought an at home testosterone kit. Figured it was a good starting place. If it’s normal then I will see that as major indicator. This is just so hard.
  5. Sadgirl

    Sadgirl Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    It is such a difficult place to be. Keep in mind that chronic PMO can actually lower testosterone!
  6. djdcgc4

    djdcgc4 Fapstronaut

  7. nef

    nef Fapstronaut

    I don't know what to say but that is really lot of research Terrific wonderful
  8. melonka

    melonka Fapstronaut

    Sounds a bit like my bf... He was open about that he watches it, trying to always satisfy me, but very rarely o himself and not always standing properly. Also 30. He has a problem with porn, took me 2 years to realise, that it wasn't normal use. He cut it just a bit, so he could an O with me, but it took 3 years to convince him that there is a problem. And a lot of carrying and cuddling and I felt like I am friendzoned during sex. And he didn't realise how porn affected other parts of life like being neurotic and mood swings. I didn't see it also for a long time, until I kind of went extremely observatory which I don't think everyone can... Like I could smell when he masturbated, he got pimples when he ejaculated too often, he was more critical about my body.
    I see you are also observative type, so you'll get it. Even if you think he doesn't have time, he has. He may say he can't sleep well in the night, he wakes up at 4 by himself and watches. You go to grocery or fitness...
    fadedfidelity likes this.
  9. I'll chime in that mine has suffered some major PIED and only MO once or twice a week. It doesnt take them long and truthfully I didn't know he was doing it even that much until his addiction got worse because he was waking me up at night fapping.

    Also, once they get to a point that they mentally need stimulus then it will affect them when with a real woman. Mine spent most of his time in the real world fantasizing and I wasn't enough. Mine also would kiss my butt with massages and being nice and coffee daily out of guilt.

    I also was always told "go ahead check my phone I have nothing to hide". Because he figured I would take his word and I did for years and years.
    fadedfidelity likes this.

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