Is it really that hard to make friends nowadays, or am I just imagining things?

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by leetspeak, Feb 23, 2020.

  1. Coco99

    Coco99 Fapstronaut

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    Your not alone. It is harder. Growing up when going to school you meet a lot of people and its a lot easier because you see them everyday and have common interests, same classes etc. Also I noticed that as you get older, you get judged more often. Growing up you didn't care about the car the other person was driving/house they live in the wealth that they have. Now a days its like am I worthy to be this persons friend because he/she is on another pay grade. Also smartphones have played a huge factor to this as well, people rather just look down on their phone than making eye contact.
     
  2. Mistersofty

    Mistersofty Fapstronaut

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    I think the best way to meet friends is through group activities like sports. I joined a men’s soccer league and started to really get to know all the guys on the team. We’d hang out and drink beers after the games. It was a lot of fun until I had to retire because of physical ailments. I’m thinking of getting into a less intense sport like frisbee golf or a bowling league. Even joining a band would be cool if you have musical talents.
     
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  3. I don't have the exact answers, but I feel like everyone else already knows everyone else and you're just left to your own devices.
     
  4. leetspeak

    leetspeak Fapstronaut

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    Welp. I better keep trying or I'm screwed.
     
  5. Dizzy Lotus

    Dizzy Lotus Fapstronaut

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    I had this idea also, but at this point I also already know everyone else. But I still only have acquaintances, no friends. [​IMG]
     
  6. I also feel like my friends will inevitable find better friends than me.
     
  7. joem351

    joem351 Fapstronaut

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    I’m at a point in my life where people I was friends with have good jobs and families or have become communists. I’ve tried meetup groups myself and no one ever notices me and I’m ignored whenever I try to establish my presence. Life in the 21st century is terrible.
     
  8. leetspeak

    leetspeak Fapstronaut

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    I guess the real question is...how effing interesting of a person do you have to be to get people to notice you and want to talk to you?

    Problem is that this is a double-edged sword. If you're too intriguing, people will usually want something from you. Which is annoying in and of itself. I don't know.

    EDIT: In hindsight might even be a personality problem; I just realized that I sound morbid in this post haha.
     
    Last edited: Mar 8, 2020
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  9. Trespasser

    Trespasser Fapstronaut

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    The real truth is that real friends are made from the childhood. You go through ups and downs with them but when you reach your 20s and they are still by your side you know that is a true friend. Reality is that most of the people the older they get the more they start to hate their life. They are miserable because they are aging and because of that they think people owe them something. It is hard to make friends past 40 because they will always want something back in exchange for their friendship. It is what it is we have to deal with it.
     
  10. joem351

    joem351 Fapstronaut

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    I am boring. I’ve been called boring. I’ve never fit in anywhere even before I discovered porn and masturbation.
     
  11. leetspeak

    leetspeak Fapstronaut

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    I don't know. Makes me think things would be alot different if maybe...just maybe...people didn't hate their lives as much.
     
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  12. This has been a great thread to read. Some really interesting thoughts

    From personal experience, I've found having moved around quite a bit between schools and across the country, it might seem hard have to settle in to groups. But I found time helps in the sense of being able to feel more at home wherever I am, be that school, uni, work or local interest groups. Once I feel more comfortable with where I'm at, confidence grows just from being familiar with the people you see day to day. Sometimes, just being acknowledged by your name is nice. Doesn't mean you need to know the ins and outs if that person's life.

    But, when it comes to making friends, I've found that letting people get to know significant, personal details have helped build more of a relationship, rather than just getting caught up in a 'How's your day going?' sort of scenario whenever I see them. Its easy to run out of stuff to say concerning day to day life without getting to know what people have got going on for themselves. I think a lack of quality conversation with someone can be discouraging in itself in terms of wanting to keep talking to them.

    Having gone through phases of feeling lonely and disconnected, I've also started looking at ways to feel happy with my own company. Things likes reading, learning to play an instrument and baking etc means I can be productive with my time and not worry about needing company so often.

    Anyway, thanks for sharing
     
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  13. SirWanksalot

    SirWanksalot Fapstronaut

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    Interesting insights!
    The part about "simply through time" and als the opening up part, or letting people know significant, personal details as you call it are key in my experience. Similar to what others wrote here with their experience like @Trespasser mentioning how it's easier to make friends in childhood.

    But what about childhood makes it so much easier to make good friends?
    Obviously many things are different in our childhoods, but I do think that a big reason why it's usually one of the easiest times to make friends is that you freely share your personal ups and downs as a child, you go through all kinds of shared experiences with others that help bonding and creating a shared story.
    The highs and the lows, the laughter, the adventure, the hope, the excitement and also the pain, the tears, the regrets, the shock etc. etc.
    As children it seems like there is so much varied emotion freely invested into our shared experience.

    As adults we have to be a lot more calibrated though and know when to open up how much as everyone has to deal with their own shit already. Also as an adult you are supposed to have your life together to a certain degree at least. And that's totally understandable.
    I used to swing between the two extremes where I would either share way too much too soon or isolate myself and be difficult to deal with.
    Still consciously have to pay attention to calibrate it to the person and the situation sometimes.

    Building friendships and a strong social circle as adults is different from when we were kids obviously, but I really don't think at all that means that it's impossible.
    The same principle from our childhood still holds true. How can you create a similar situation where you and another person engage in shared emotions and build a story together?
    By opening up to them and sharing those personal details, problems, successes, happy moments, thoughts, feelings, etc. and showing the other person that it's ok for them to do so as well.
    Some will care and jump in, others won't but that was the same when we were children.
    And then you slowly build and build and build and build. And at some point you have a shared history, shared experiences, ups and downs, laughter and tears and it feels like a friendship.

    I'd say that's the broad bird's eye concept. Then you add in a few skills on the ground and so far it works for me.
    Skills like opening up first while staying true to my own values and boundaries.
    Emotional self-regulation (stuff that addicts often do through their addiction or intense behavior).
    Expressing authentic emotional variety - sometimes I want to be funny for a little while, vulnerable the next moment, understanding the next and also dominant occasionally. Only being one or two all the time is boring and exhausting for everyone involved.
    Stuff like that.

    Hope that helped a bit.
     
  14. Trespasser

    Trespasser Fapstronaut

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    Its the sad truth that in today's society the way to make friends is by pretending to be someone your not. I have been through that path before. The faker you are the more friends you have. And the thing is that you don't understand how the f do fakers have friends and how does anybody wanna hang out with them but if you try yourself you soon learn... The sucky part is alot of those friends around you are not honest and you know it. You play along with it because you don't wanna be alone but at the same time you are disgusted by their behaviour. I knew a group of people that would gossip all the time and I was a part of their group. Everytime I came home after partying and hanging out with them I would feel like crap. Some of the shit they said I was truly disgusted. One day I snapped and ended it. Guess what happened? They blew me off said whatever and didn't give a fuck. Because they have so many friends one more or less doesn't mean anything to them. If you want to have a group of friends the max I would recommend is 5. Anything more than that is too much and creates imbalance. Circle around smaller group of people. They will appreciate you better.
     
  15. SirWanksalot

    SirWanksalot Fapstronaut

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    Wtf is your definition of a friend?
     
  16. Fifth Horseman

    Fifth Horseman Fapstronaut

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    I haven’t made a real friend since I was a child, many decades ago. At least if you define a friend as a person you trust, who really knows you, who is just as interested in hearing your words as in speaking their own (which is really all people want to do. When is the last time you were stupid enough to think someone was really listening to you?). Most people just want someone to drink or travel with and who they can talk to- good time company. If you want a friend buy a dog (but don’t forget to feed it well or you will lose that friendship too. Your usefulness to the dog is only as good as the meals you provide.)
     
  17. Dizzy Lotus

    Dizzy Lotus Fapstronaut

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    For me it almost always was the opposite, the friend would enjoy listening to my issues much more than talking about their own... [​IMG]
     

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