Is this normal? What I suppose to do?

Hi Robert,
First I would like to say to you: Be welcome here on nofap, where we are all in the same boat, seeking for some kind of recovery from whatever kind of pornography.

I can really relate to your story from my own story of life, so if I can help you, I'm here for you.
What I can do for you know, is to give you a kind reflection of your own thoughts, maybe that will help you to get in touch with your real self again.
I mean: isn't that exactly the reason we all all here? To become our real self?

I think the most sad part of your story is that there wasn't anybody there who asked you about your sexuality.
Sexuality should be a normal theme in education. At the other hand, maybe you was a star in hiding your secrets (like I did in my youth years).
One day you found your thing that seemed to make you happy (porn and the feelings that it gave you).
You were partying from rush to rush, moving your boundaries step by step and then one day:
BANG!! You suddenly had to wake up from your dreamworld. And real life was waiting for you.
This is at least how I 've experience it.

It's actually strange that at the first hand you didn't care about anything while you got your sexual shot time after time, you stepped into the world of bsdm, transsexuality and gay porn.

It seems that your "system" finally thought that it was time for you to show you the reality. And that really sucks at the moment, isn't it?
Now you are awakening out of your "rush" and need to find answers, find a way out of your depression and addiction.
It sucks more than anybody else can imagine. At least, I know how deeply it sucks.

It's actually great that:

1. You found nofap which offers you a lot of help and resources
2. You become aware of your dark life, better wake up now in your young 20's then in your old 60's
3. You experience your fear. Fear is an important emotion, which you better take seriously as it has something to tell you

From my own experience it's actually the other way around.
You 've used all that kind of porn to hide your real self.
Your real self, that's your pure self which you was before you start using porn and misusing your body.
Think about an onion with all its layers.
During the years you have developed a lot of layers over your core. But your core is still inside of you.
You have the task to peel off all that layers, to process all that emotional burden. Until you get in touch with your core again.

Imagine you at the age of 10.
Maybe there was a fear in your heart, a pain, an absent father or something that really hurt you as a kid.
See that space inside your heart as a little mud. Black mud.

You started using porn and maybe that was at that time a good feeling for your pain.
While you was enjoying the pleasure, you actually increased the amount of mud in your heart.
And week after week, year after year the amount of mud increased.

Now, today you 're looking back, feeling like you live in another body.
That should be no surprise my friend, with all that black mud inside of you.
It's your task now to find a way to wash yourself clean and become healthy again.
I believe that's certainly possible. Yes there is really hope for you.

It's particular you mention the word "corruption" here.
Can you explain a bit more why you feel corrupted?

A literal translation for corruption is:
"dishonest or fraudulent conduct by those in power, typically involving bribery."

Maybe you feel corrupted, or even misled?
You are actually disappointed to death that porn didn't bring you the things you always believed it would bring you.

The words delusion and illusion fit here also.

It's all about the lust we are addicted to.
You just got what you could get, passing all your morals and boundaries.
But the good news is: you can set back your morals and boundaries again.
Only you decide what you want that your morals are.
But then you should act upon them as well.

"because that is not who I am"
This says it all.
The most sad thing is that by the time you was watching all those stuff, you was not aware that you was doing things that wasn't you. For some reason the hunger for sexual pleasure has made you blind for who you really are.
But the beauty of life is that it offers you a second chance, a third chance.
Now it's time to become honest, and you already do here in this thread.
That's an excellent beginning of your recovery.
Become honest, that will lead you back to your pure self, the core of the onion remember?

This is a good question.

Nobody can force you to accept anything.
You have your virtuous life, only you know what's going on in your head and heart.
After all these years of partying, it's now time to make up your balance, to figure out things for yourself, to process and express all the stuff that's inside of you, and to find a new way in your life.
It's a tough process, and seeking some help can be very wise in your situation.

Maybe you have your father willing to listen to you or somebody else you trust?

I'm here since October 2017 and I wrote a very lot in my journal.
You can find it here.
Maybe you recognize things while you read and maybe it inspires you to make other choices in life.

 

Yes, Yes I do. If he doesn’t ever act on these thoughts he’ll never really know if he’s confused or is actually gay/bisexual. A part of me believes he may have learned subconsciously to suppress his feelings.

Even if he entered a healthy heterosexual relationship, he’s likely to have thoughts on men If he hasn't 100% confirmed that he does want or does not want a man.

 

I'm not sure how I feel about your suggestion.
A lot of us, myself included, have struggled with this. Being addicted to porn made me "rationalize" everything.
Forty years into my addiction, I finally said "WTF, why not". It was never about "suppressing my feelings", I was chasing a new high, but instead, I hit a new low.
Porn is an incredibly powerful drug. It f**ks up our brains. It f**ks up our lives.

Robert, don't give up. Keep coming back here.

 

Hi buddy,
Thanks for sharing this so openly. I'm sorry to read what you had to face in your life. That must have been difficult for you.
It's surely possible that the absence of a loving and caring father in your young life can leave a big inner emptiness in your heart.
I've seen it by myself that that can lead to sexualized connections with men.
This is actually the way every fetish develops.
There is some real need inside of us, but because the need cannot be fulfilled for some reason, our brain tries to get a fix for that. Very often we found our fix in our sexuality. That's because the world is shouting out this message:
Sex will be the solution for your problem. A big lie of course.
In your case that might mean that you are longing for a father in your life, or maybe just good friend buddies, but because of your incapability you ended up in a sexualized version of it: gay porn.
That may explain why you brought yourself to this kind of porn: you was just trying to fulfill the unfulfilled need you had as a young boy.

At least it's something for you to investigate for yourself.
Your use of pornography and the escalation into trans and gay porn are just a plaster on the wound.
My experience is that once you are willing to face the pain and process it, the need for the plaster will disappear.
Yes you read it right, the need for my own fetishes has been gone. Disappeared.

I think all things will become better with understanding.
One of the main questions for is, I guess, why you have lead yourself in all these things, that you actually didn't want.

 

I'm reading the book "SPAM REMOVED (spam code #001) - REPORT TO MODERATION" at the moment.
I think it can really help you too in understanding your situation.

 

I can relate to almost all (aside from "C", that's a low I've never touched). Thing is, hentai/doujinshi do something normal, "live action" porn doesn't. It makes your parameters for what's attractive go a bit awry. You get used to people which are nothing alike real life. Big eyes, almost no facial features (or exaggerated ones) and clean shaven, most of the time. "Traps" are a good example of this. Usually the doujinshi with them present them like equal a flat-chested girl with a D. Same with "futa" doujinshi, but that's just straight up transgender porn by that point. After you don't get your rocks off by just watching the same "old" type of sex (be it vanilla to what can be described as drawn r--e) you begin to seek something else, rationalizing it as "ah but it looks like a girl anyway" or "I can pretend it's a girl in my mind", or the rabbit hole of "well looks female enough (again, much easier with drawn, unrealistic porn, much less with live action)." From there, it's part of the pipeline to escalate into P that doesn't match your sexuality, because you rationalize it subconsciously.

Put that into your brain, and believe it: THAT STUFF ISN'T REAL. You'll never find Astolfo, Felix or any of that cleanly drawn stuff in real life. You're training your brain and crotch for a fantasy, an unrealistic fantasy. And sooner rather than later, you find yourself projecting that onto people, and remaining either disappointed or disgusted. That's what I've been through recently. I too have bolts of anxiety towards men ever since I found myself guilty of going against what I consider the real, genuine me. But it's only when I think about it: otherwise I am perfectly fine.

As other users said, if the anxiety doesn't come from the fact that other people may know about a genuine feeling, but by the feeling itself, it probably means it isn't genuine at all. It's the addiction speaking. It's the unrealistic stuff you used your brain to, drawn by some depraved individual to profit off your weaknesses and anxieties. Don't let them win. Own yourself again, and take these decisions with peace of mind. Best regards.

 

I talked to a psychiatrist about this. She said that if it is intrusive and doesn't "charge" you (as if you're really aroused) but rather it disturbs you, gives you anxiety, then it's more of a fear of being X than being X for real.
My advice? The opposite of what you think. Since you're in Eastern Europe you have more of a chance to find someone which agrees with this point of view rather than someone who will reinforce this compulsive tick of yours and makes you question yourself even more. Find a specialist in compulsions and OCD variants, and talk to him/her about your problem. Being straightforward with your therapist is extremely important.
Other than that, begin with the 90-day no PMO hardmode. If need be, check the SPAM REMOVED (spam code #001) - REPORT TO MODERATION method.
It is helping me quite a lot.

As for the "losing attraction" part, remember that it's not a matter of arousal: you don't have to go full salute at every attractive woman you see. You don't have to forcefully provoke an erection for every attractive woman you see, and if you don't get that, it means you're bi or gay. It has been probably always this way, and you are just now beginning to draw (irrational) parallels between past events of your life and your current situation. I'll tell you this: usually gay men discover that they're gay very very early. I've known one who discovered it having a stiffy for Vegeta when he was little. If you've been attracted to women most of your life and only recently descended to a new low in P, it just means that: you've gone too far in porn. No change happened to you otherwise. The same process of rationalization you've used to indulge in that deviant porn your brain is doing now to rationalize why you've used it. There's no hidden meaning to seek.

Porn is a totally different galaxy. Porn doesn't have smell, touch, laughter, feeling of completeness. Porn is all about novelty, seeking the right angle that gets you off, and escalating to the newest perversion on the market. What you see on the screen is mostly irrelevant: it is always you, by yourself, doing the deed. That's why anything goes: the sensation is always the same.
If you can't picture yourself smelling dirty b--ls, if you can't picture yourself squeezing a man's body or going down on (beep!) IRL, then you're good to go. You just have to let all that stuff go into some embarassing drawer of your memory, and forget about it.

 

The dark thoughts go away after a while. It's like shoveling, the deeper you go, the darker it gets. I pray we'll quit this addiction, may The Lord lead us not into temptation. This whole situation reminds me of the lyrics of a song
When the world seems bleak and cold
When your bones feel tired and old
When wind is howling through the trees
There's a shelter from the storm
There's a fire burning warm
You'll find it if you follow me

 

Well first let me just say I was not in anyway trying to be offensive or make a joke. I hope the nofap process will help reset your mind.

 

Completely stop watching P, no PMO at all & eventually you will recover.