I've found someone who makes me want to change..

I have been masturbating/ watching porn on and off for about eight years at this point - starting from when I was 14 years old. Disclaimer - this post is mostly just me wanting to vent and may not actually benefit anyone in any way.

I started watching porn in my second year of high school. It's criminal how this shit isn't more policed for people under 18 - I'm sure you're all well aware of the effects of pornography by now, especially for brains under 21. Anyway, I first found out about this forum when I was 16 years old. My longest streak was about 3 months before I broke it, and since then haven't been able to go longer than a month for years. It's weird even just writing this down since this sort of shit doesn't really get talked about very often, except online.

By now I understand everyone has at least one vice, whether that be vaping, excessive video game use, drinking, etc. I've realised for me, it's pornography. I hope that one day I'll see a nude woman and just laugh or not even think about it for more than a second, but right now it's difficult.

I've met someone who makes my life so much better, but I still have the urge when I'm not around her to look at random girls on the internet. This stupid shit still has some semblance of power over me. I don't think about porn as often as I used to but it's still worrying. I know this isn't me and I'm better than this.

This person is moving away in about a month and a half and I've got no idea if I'll ever see her again. She's opened my eyes to how girls view pornography addictions (they're not very fondly looked upon to say the least) and it's made me want to commit to changing my life for the better.

I have relatively good habits - I take care of myself, socialise, exercise and work, but I know porn is still subconsciously holding me back. Ever since I discovered NoFap all the way back in 2020 I've engrained the idea that I'll never be good enough unless I stop watching porn. This has obviously has led to some self esteem and confidence issues since then as I have been far from successful in this goal.

This community and the people who spend time educating the general public about pornography and its effects are amazing - this is the equivalent of smoking in the 21st century. We are lucky enough to learn about porn's effects early on before it becomes mainstream.

I am worried when this person moves away I'll just slip back into my old habits. The tools for quitting porn are relatively easy to find, but the process of abstaining is what makes it hard. I have learnt a few things that I'd like to write down:

The acronym HALT is a good way to gauge why you're getting an urge. Chances are when you're getting an urge to watch porn you're either Hungry, Angry, Lonely and/or Tired. This allows you to become more self-aware and gives you the chance to rectify your state of mind before you could potentially take things further.

Journalling - written, typed or video form. Expressing your thoughts and feelings will always be a good way to make your urges seem less significant and important, helping to put things in perspective. It can be hard to journal when you get an urge but I think if I develop this skill it will be invaluable later on in life.

Not to talk about this sort of shit with your friends. Not sure if this will benefit anyone else, but for me personally this is one of the few things I think keeping completely private will help with. Talking about your goals and ambitions is great, but for something as personal as tackling a pornography addiction I feel internalising the goal is better. Few people talk about pornography in a particularly positive light, but almost all watch it. This obviously means it's an inherently shameful thing to do, but that doesn't stop people from partaking in it. Obviously you can go the other direction and argue talking about it to your friends helps decrease its significance, but at the end of the day your friends are not going to be there when you feel like using pornography. Each to their own though.

Reading! Dopamine Nation and the late Gary Wilson's book on pornography are great materials to read. Reading in general is a great way to separate yourself from the digital world and constant media consumption, which I need to do more of.

I know changing this starts and ends with me, but it just makes vices such as this even more soul-crushing when you have people you care about that could be hurt by your actions too. Thank you for reading.