Journal entry 1

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Deleted Account, Jul 12, 2018.

  1. I posted our/my story on the partner forum threads. I'm here to help support my husband on his journey to a healthy & happy life, while, also rediscovering who *I* am.

    2 nights ago, I shared this site w/ my PA husband, whom I love dearly. He's literally perfect, if not for his PA & destruction that it causes in one's life. I had asked him to leave the night before, after once again finding P on devices. The following day, I found this site, & learned SO MUCH. I told him he could come back that night, mostly, bc I wanted to share all the wonderful info I found here, & that I thought this marriage could come out stronger & better than ever.
    He came home; really seemed like he was having a "coming to Jesus moment" after listening to me & reading forums here. For the past 1 1/2 days, I've been almost euphoric at the thought of him REALLY REALIZING WHAT HE'S DONE. We had amazing convos & intimacy the past 24 hours. Intimate moments I've longed for, for years.
    Then, today happens. The anger has returned. I went to bed in my husband's arms last night, feeling things I've needed to feel for a long time, that he is consciously providing now. Why did I wake up angry again? I've been mad ALL DAY. He's been really trying to rectify my mood, but that just makes me angrier!

    What a rollercoaster I'm in for. I'm not backing down yet. Hopefully day 2 will be better for me.
  2. What has angered me, day 1:

    -He hasn't said thank you at all for sticking by his side
    -He switched from face in phone for games/porn, to face in phone "learning" about his addiction
    -He gets clearly angry when I try & communicate how I'm feeling at the moment; normal, legit feelings for the SO of a PA.
    -Avoiding me (probably senses I'm angry)
    -Pity party from him; "I haven't eaten in 3 days" (choke on a food item, dear husband. I can *only* eat after inhaling a certain food stimulant. If not for that wonderful plant, I'd look like I was from Ethiopia-no disrespect)
    -Acts normal, while I'm still wrapping my head around everything.
    -End of day, after me trying to communicate my feelings in that moment & him getting mad about me doing so, he quits talking to me, other than our usual one-word question/response communication. This,reiterates to me, he's not ready to put forth the effort. I get being new to this, but if you just spent all day ignoring me to "learn" about your addiction, did you not learn to SUCK EVERYTHING UP & BE THERE FOR YOUR WIFE? BC YOU MADE HER THIS WAY. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO PLAY THE POOR ME GAME. YOU HAVE 7 YEARS OF NEGLECT, BETRAYAL, LIES, INSECURITIES, ETC TO MAKE UP FOR IF YOU WANT THIS FAMILY. SUCK YOUR FEELINGS THE EFF UP, MY SWEET HUSBAND. IT'S TIME TO FINALLY FOCUS ON YOUR WIFE'S NEEDS. SHE'S ONLY BEEN SCREAMING ABOUT THEM FOR 7+ YEARS.
  3. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Betrayal trauma recovery. Org
  4. All of your feelings are completely normal...and justified. As @Kenzi suggested, this is definitely betrayal trauma, and unfortunately, it's a bumpy ride. There is hope that things can get better, but it takes time. I recommend reading a book called Your Sexually Addicted Spouse by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means. It does an excellent job of explaining and helping you to better understand everything you're experiencing. It helped me so much. If you can get your husband to read it, too, then hopefully he can also understand and be a little more empathetic to your trauma.

    I'm sorry you're going through all of this. I know it hurts so much, and it's made worse when they don't seem to care how much you're suffering because of their addiction. Stay strong. You're doing the right things even though it may not seem that way right now.
  5. you all are amazing! So welcoming & inviting. I can't believe I felt alone for so long
    hope4healing and Kenzi like this.
  6. Journal Day 2

    Yesterday, I was angry. Nothing, & I mean nothing, could change my mood kind of angry.
    My husband, the PA, has put 100%, thus far, into no PM. That's what made me so angry.
    He works from home 2 days a week, yesterday, being one of those days. It was the 1st day since dday (5 days ago), that I've been with him all day. When I say he's enthusiastic about this journey, I'm not lying. He was on his phone yesterday, all day. He wasn't looking at P, or games, or anything that would hinder this reboot. He was so intrigued in the info he was reading/watching about PA.
    PA & MM denied me quality time. Action: him staring at phone ALL DAY; Reaction: I got triggered. Although the content was much more preferred, it still didn't change the fact he was behaving as usual. Neglect, isolation, etc. Nose in phone.
    He used tools to ask me how I was feeling (kudos to him). I unleashed. The anger of him being on his phone all day, & the triggers it brought up, were too much for me to think clearly. My brain has 7 + years of pain bottled up. I need to work on not reacting immediately. It's totally fair that I do, however, I just can't see this being productive.
    Should I lay into his ass every time he exhibits behavior that has been a product of PM? (Ex: Excessive phone use, regardless of searches, in turn making me feel alone, like usual)
    I need to find a way to communicate healthy while wanting to gauge someone's eyes out.
    JustSadPorn likes this.
  7. JustSadPorn

    JustSadPorn Fapstronaut

    Did you feel better or worse after you unleashed?
  8. I'd be lying if it didnt feel a tiny bit good. Or a lot...... once the initial anger wore off, & I was able to think clear, it began to make me feel worse. I was mad at myself more than anything. Being angry is a valid emotion right now. How I communicate that anger, is up to me. Nothing productive came of it (initially). I don't want my husband to feel like he can't do anything right, bc he really is trying.

    It's a hard journey, but, absolutely worth it!
    JustSadPorn likes this.
  9. JustSadPorn

    JustSadPorn Fapstronaut

    Maybe you were able to think clearly because you had released your anger? Perhaps it didn't just wear off, but you actually burned it off by expressing it?
  10. This could be a true statement.

    I need to find the balance between anger and clarity. My anger ALWAYS leads to self reflection. I just can't quite get the in-between, of seeing red & then scolding myself for not being able to control it.

    I have years of betrayal. When he finally acknowledged his problem, I felt like a volcano. All those feelings, stuffed deep inside for years. His acknowledgment makes me feel free to let those lava bombs of feelings, finally rise to the surface, and explode. When the pressure gets too much, it bursts, right?

    Just gotta work on getting from anger to meaningful convos
    JustSadPorn likes this.
  11. JustSadPorn

    JustSadPorn Fapstronaut

    Sympathy from me, your fellow volcano. I should have chosen Kilauea as my screen name and avatar.
  12. I've been absent, not by choice. As a refresher, here's a rundown:

    -married 7 years, together 9
    -caught PA husband 1 month before wedding looking at local escorts. I was never getting attention at this point. Thought it was all wedding day nerves. Forgived him; most definitely because I was ashamed/naive/thought he'd change
    - had kids after 3-4 yrs marriage
    - marriage has always been miserable. He's never treated me like a partner. He controls finances, most major decisions, & up until d-day, he would control our sex life.
    - I started noticing, as our poor sex life dwindled further, he was blaming me for the decline. Projection. Made me crazy thinking I was to blame.
    - thought he was having an affair. Couldn't find anything (there were a few messages to a co-worker, I felt, were over the line, & I've discussed w/him)
    - still had a GUT FEELING something wasn't right. There was no way this behavior was that of a "loving, devoted husband ".
    - d-day. Jackpot of hidden p on a tablet rarely used. Further investigation, on phone as well.
    - bc we have kids now, the light switched. This wasn't normal & I deserved better. So did our kids. Told him to leave & stay at his mom's. He complied.
    - found this site the next morning, read non-stop until noon. Felt it prudent, I at least give him a chance to acknowledge he has an addiction. He came home that night. He shared his PA of 17+ years & acknowledged he was addicted. Shocked me, truly. I introduced him to this site.
    - for 2 weeks he's had no PM (if he's being honest). We have had several, intimate, encounters. Always ending in O for both
    - he is consciously starting conversations with day, feelings, etc
    - for every 2 good days, there's 2 bad (in my head).
    - lots of angry outbursts on my end; random; confusing & makes me mad at myself

    Which brings us to today, roughly 2 weeks post d-day.

    My mother had surgery to *hopefully* get rid of the cancer she was diagnosed with. Yesterday, we found out the surgery didn't get it all. By we, I mean my parents & I. I'm an only child & my husband stays back to watch the kids. She's facing a lethal amount of chemo.

    My best friend, my mother, is dying while fighting. My dad, is also aging. It's been on my shoulders to carry us through. Meanwhile, my husband admits he's a PA. I have 2 young kids.

    This week, the lows have been more frequent than highs in our recovery. I feel the lack of attention I felt prior to d-day. Lack of empathy. Lack of companionship.

    I found a trick my husband does. He does something nice thinking it lets him off the hook for a little while. Cool, right?! I called him out on it & he agreed. I'm not sure how this info will help, as I feel like he'll forever be doing something nice just to benefit himself. A lot of anger stems from this trigger. In the past: *he's doing the dishes w/out me asking. Oh crap, he must want to do some weird thing he knows I hate that he saw on P; but, he did the dishes so I owe him* I need to work on accepting his progress & learn how to heal.

    Tonight, 2wks post d-day, I finally started asking questions I hadn't previously asked him about his addiction. Question:
    -did you PM while we were trying to conceive? YES
    -did you PM throughout my pregnancy? Even though you knew I was a willing participant? (Something that led me to d-day was finding he searched pregnant P, while I was there. You want a whale? She's right here!)
    -did you PM while I was up every night, nursing our babies, or hooked up to some effing machine squeezing milk out my tata's for the kids, or when you never washed a bottle in their entire infancy & watched me, sleep-deprived & a wreck, do it?

    For whatever reason, this was the worst blow yet. Out of it all. Hit me like a hammer. We literally had to pay $ to have children. It wasn't an accident. It was a much talked about conversation. We have fertility issues. Everything was planned. I fell pregnant with twins, thanks to science. I grew as the twins grew. I was a ballet dancer for 15 years. My body changed & it gave me anxiety. I had no control. I STILL offered him sex. Always denied. Blamed my body. Blamed/am blaming my twins. Horrible memories of what should of been the happiest time of my life. What an awful feeling.

    2 weeks down. Lots to go. This too shall pass

    TryingHard2Change likes this.

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