Journal

Today I am starting at day one and going to make it this time. I have done a journal here before but messed up and stopped keeping up with it so i failed eventually. A little about me, I am married to a wonderful and beautiful woman. Have a great job that can generate very good money and my marriage itself is a good one. My wife can't stand her job, we don't make enough money currently to have a house, we both want one more than anything, and i have the means to get her out of her job and buy a house. So what is stopping me, freaking porn. I have so much to gain from quitting porn it is ridiculous. I know i can quit, this year i have made leaps and bounds on quitting so i just have to improve on it. I relapsed today but no big deal i can jump back on the wagon immediately. So these are the symptoms i feel. My muscles feel like they are sore and tired from a hard workout, which i didn't workout today, brain feels a little hazy, I don't feel as bad as i have from relapsing other times. Maybe that is because I am further along in my recovery. One thing i know for sure, in porn it is the same thing just different faces. I know I can beat this addiction and i am ready to beat it. The urge will pass and eventually something else will take it's place.

 

Not as severe as it was a couple years ago. My wife started thinking it was her and it was before I knew what it was. It started a few years back when I found out my dick isn't working haha. I can laugh about it now because i know what the problem is. But it used to be very severe, i could never finish with here or it would go up and then back down either inside her or right at penetration. I don't think i need to even say that it sucked, especially when you don't know what is going on. Last time i started writing on here it held me to a certain accountability. That is why I wanted to start a journal on here. Thank you for looking at it, any questions or tips just let me know.

 

I don't feel that there is anything that i have a desire to watch that is porn related. Be careful about the episodes you are watching. Don't let that be an excuse to get you into another series before or after it is over.

 

Day 1: Don't have to reset which is a good thing, didn't want to relapse then go on a binge. I have noticed some things today while at work. I work on the computer so as you can imagine temptation can be strong. Had a couple images flash through my head but i just let it come and go, didn't give it any attention. I really want to work on my discipline and be able to resist. I don't like to work hard and through my journey of nofap I finally figured out why I have such problems with concentrating on work and not doing well in school. It is because I gave into whatever my mind wanted to do whether it be a game or porn, anything else but work. I could never figure out why that was. So I can feel my mind pulling away from work whenever i get down to it. I did well today and did not indulge in anything. I am awake, but I had a hard time waking up this morning because of the relapse yesterday. But i know soon that will change and i will feel awake every morning. I am excited about the things to come. I am ready for bigger urges to come and for me to face them.

 

Day 2: Sorry to not write yesterday, but on to day three woohoo. It wasn't too bad yesterday, I got some urges at the end of the day ignored them for the most part. At the end of the day i had some big ones and i have a little lego architecture set. It isn't very big takes on a few minutes to take it apart and the a few to put it back together. When I did that it really helped. Glad to finish through the day. I'm still happy i believe my focus has gotten a little better too. On to enjoy day 3.

 

Day 3: Going strong so far, almost done with day 4. Urges were pretty strong today. I took apart a lego set that i talked about earlier and put it back together twice. Takes like 5 mins but it is distracting enough for the urge to pass by. I have noticed in the past that when an urge gets to me it is because i constantly think about an urge and think to myself that i can't let this urge get to me. Eventually, that leads to a relapse or looking at porn. When I just let the urge past by or don't think about the urge and play out a fantasy in my head or anything it eventually leaves. I had quite a few come through the day but I know that can be a sign of rewiring so it definitely makes me happy. I wrote something in another post or document or something that said "will this urge kill you if you don't give in?" because odds are, it won't. So keeping that in mind helps. I know to keep mindful of all my addict brain will try later. It has constantly told me that a little peak won't hurt but i am not about that. I am sort of in hardmode but not. I will still be having sex with my wife but i consider any peak of porn or going on something just to get my blood flowing will result in a relapse. Not a full pmo but even a peak is cheating to me so that is why i will reset if i do that. Anything accidental wont but accidental means you had no idea an image like porn or something would pop up and you immediately close it. Something out of your control does not count as a reset to me. Other than that i am going strong. I am not feeling the general happiness that i was on day 2 but i am not unhappy. I am aware that there will be weird emotions here and there that will come out but i am ready for that. I have been watching porn since i was 12 so i really don't know who i am without porn and i am excited to see who that person is.

 

I decided to do a separate post for something i recently discovered about me this year. About me and my ex-girlfriends that I have had. Everyone that i have ever had until recently, meaning my girlfriend who is now my wife, has been about one thing. Getting around the bases so to speak. Even in high school it was pushing the boundaries and seeing how far i could get and a lot of times that is how i would measure the relationship. I never really try to know them on a deep level, learn who they really are and who they want to be. I thought it was you keep moving forward on the bases. I can't completely blame myself because my teacher was porn. In porn the story doesn't matter so much, I still had love and compassion for them i wasn't just a beast so to speak but i really didn't know how to have a proper relationship. Porn is kiss, undress, feel around, heavy making out while feeling around, oral, and then sex. And to be honest i don't think I really knew what would happen after that. I had relationships that lasted a while in high school just don't think i really go to know who they really were, truly were. Also, i didn't really know how to talk to woman, it was like a block in my brain and really it isn't hard. She is a person, i am a person so im sure a simple conversation shouldn't be hard. I just that i wasn't someone who could easily talk to girls, until recently with all the information i have gotten on nofap, YBOP, and other sources. My dates used to go dinner and a movie and it was that every time, sometimes my house when the girl and i have been going out for a bit. I always wonder how it would go now, what would i say and do. Would i try to get to know who they really were? Have really stimulating conversations? It is too late to learn what i would have done but i am not really worried about it. On to conquer day 4!

 

Ya I know i do, i usually do at the end of work, just for got the weekend. I made it to day 5 but then relapsed. I will write why and what happened in a few mins. Thank you for keeping me honest though @Zerg Prosecutor

 

It is unfortunate but I have relapsed more than once. Since I haven't written in a little bit I will just catch everyone up. First, I would like to thank everyone that reads this and with going through it I will come out on top. It isn't over until I win. So I made it 5 days of nothing and was on day 6, no porn, not even a peak. Well there was a commercial on, won't tell you which for the sake of not triggering someone. This commercial has a porn actress that they sponsor. Well I knew she was before looking and since I knew she was it was the reason i looked in the first place. Well I should have known better, but my brain said one look won't hurt, just look and then turn it off. You have been at this for days one look won't set you back. If that particular thought, or anything like it, pops in your head be warned because you addict brain is trying to trigger you. Well I looked her up and then looked up other people then 3-4 hours later relapsed. I relapsed again within 30 mins of the first relapse and that was Saturday night going into Sunday. Did fine Sunday but then relapsed to day not good. I tried to fight it but when you have a chaser effect going it can seem harder than normal. I'm not going to beat myself up about it but I am getting right back on the horse. I will not let this addiction beat me, I have an awesome life to live and porn doesn't fit anywhere in that life. I don't feel as bad as i thought I would feel so maybe I have kept some progress that I made. I had sex with wife Saturday which probably made it harder to stay away from P. Day 1 I am ready for ya.

 

Day 1: I might write in here throughout the day so i can report on how I feel and what is going on inside my head. My head is filled with images of yesterday, my brain keeps telling me that some of the videos I saw yesterday were worth visiting again. I do know that they are not worth it. I will have to be mindful as the day goes on.

 

So made it to day 1 complete. I need to go back to the belief that porn is just not an option makes things easier for me that way. Porn is really the only thing that can make me relapse right now in my opinion. I know we are all different on here but just MO I can avoid it is porn that has been the hardest thing for me personally. I do so much better in every part of life without it. Anyway I have to go for now, but i will check back in tomorrow.

 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Sorry that last one deserved a post by itself. I have to describe how I feel right now because it is pretty weird. As you can guess i relapsed after a day, but I have been in this position before. For those who read this I am sorry just stay with me for a little while longer, I know where I am so it should only be temporary. I have done beyond awful at work today on multiple levels, multiple multiple levels. My head feels the weirdest it has felt in a long time, can't even remember the last time it felt this way. No, that is wrong, I can't remember the date but it was on one of my relapses. It is starting to clear now, for a minute there it felt so weird, I know I will become tired in a minute. In a moment of weakness my addict brain convinced me to look at an image of a video that I have been thinking about for days, I have seen it multiple times and it keeps crossing my mind. I'm not sure what to call the stage I am in but I know a lot of us get stuck right in this stage where we go 1-3 days and relapse and we stay here for quite a bit. So I know where I am and what has got a hold of me right now, so I should know where to go from here. I am going to have to be careful for the next few days because now is the time to really buckle down and become more mindful than ever. It is so easy to make this a cycle and I have for so many times. I usually relapse go a day or two then do it all over again. I will not do that this time, I have been here before and I am done with it.

 

I'm about to leave work but I will end the day on some notes that I need to remember the next time an urge really hits me. It has been a little over 4 hours since I relapsed and the feelings that I have had have been hard to shake until I figured out what it was. I have felt like this once before that I can clearly remember 4 years ago. I went through a depression like phase. I had no motivation to do anything and just plain didn't care. I have had that most of the day after the relapse, I just figured out that I am dealing with low dopa mine levels because of my PM then slightly tired because of my O. I feel like crap guys and it has been this way all day. I feel drained of all motivation to do anything, I can't seem to focus, and I feel like I am at a giving up moment work wise. I want to just mindlessly watch tv or something. My mind has been putting a lot of thoughts through my mind to look at porn to make this feeling go away. Which I have not done, and brain fog has been huge. I am fully aware that this will pass rather quickly in the grand scheme of things and I will be good to go with plenty of motivation. But now I realize what happened to me 4 years ago, I was PMO'ing everyday, I didn't know there was any side effects at the time. I had very low dopa mine levels and was creating that feeling of hopelessness. Writing all this down has made me feel a little better. They say when it rains it pours but I am a firm believer that it all depends on your perspective. If you don't like what you see change it. So I am going to fake feelings of hopefulness until they come back and I know a day without PMO will do just that. I will remember this feeling and will kill it tomorrow. Just stay will me a little bit guys and I will show you that I can do it.

 

Day 1: So back on track today, my mind is still giving me this bored/ uncomfortable feeling. So there are some urges there but nothing too bad. I feel tons better today than I did yesterday after my relapse. I can't even describe the feeling, focus is definitely better too. My mind keeps telling me we can look at porn and just not tell anyone but that would be against everything that I have worked for. It is weird how much PMO really effects you, this is one example of how it has effected me. I start to lie about stupid stuff, and whatever my lie is just comes out without me even thinking about it. When I was on good streaks that stopped, confidence went up, everything went up. I have a little bit more to finish so I will write again tomorrow.