Just a fudge up log ..

I friggin relapsed two days ago. I had what I call an "intentional wet dream". I forgive the ones that are beyond my control and had times where I circumvented a wet situation through sheer will power (in a dream!), but this one was weak.
Anyhoo! after my reset, today I see a neighbourhood mom with kids as old as me watering her lawn, and for some reason, though I haven't done this before many times, and I know I'm going to sound like a freak here, I decide to get my monocular to oogle. I think I got caught !! Feeling really sick right now and kind of funny too. It always kinda felt cool to me when I saw such an ogler in a movie, it didn't feel that freakish. Right now it does, but it's also kind of thrilling. But nonetheless sick!
I've done it twice before but it felt more playful, this one felt sick. Why the heck am I feeling guilt here? I guess it's about the attitude and the risk you take. Previously I was well guarded and inconspicuous and did it for some recreation (sounds sick but didn't feel so). This time it was desperate and too cheeky.
I am also feeling guilty because ... it's a little hard to explain but it goes so: us people... we don't feel guilty about watching porn, we may feel bad and sick et cetra but nonetheless we aren't scared of watching porn, are we? For example a person from 100 years ago would feel like he went out-of-line, did something very wrong by watching naked stuff, and so might a gay person from olden time feel. The expression of oneself expressed outside what society permits, makes us feel guilty. So salivating over porn may be okay for us from that perspective but won't be for a person from ye old because he has expressed what he was supposed to keep reigned in.
So in contemporary times, do we agree that expression un-permitted by society is okay?? Falling out-of-line is okay?? I feel like that. And it's eerie for I've never cared for that before. I read something recently, which may perhaps be what evoked this new response. I read something to the effect of how some mighty people practiced celibacy and were also responsible citizens of their time and I thought how we rely upon responsible citizens but being that rock is about letting your personal preferences take a backseat and be responsible for what's expected of you. But if one is led by pure heart then I guess one can walk all over the "line" with confidence.
I crossed a line which I wouldn't have given two hoots about before, but now I am feeling guilty. I kinda liked the old me. Afraid is bad, afraid is death.