Just never give up!

So I relapsed yesterday after a 18 day streak.
I swear I want this to be the last time I ever fell to PMO. Sometimes the nihillistic mindset comes in and takes over.

"Why does it even matter", "You have nothing to lose", "You are aleady at your lowest" thats what my brain tells me sometimes. But fuck that, its bullshit. Im not going to fall, theres is just no way, I literally cant fail this.

Although I suffer from crippling romantic loneliness sometimes the pain is so intense it almost becomes physical and it catches me in the most inapropriate situations, my eyes get wet and sometimes I even cry at night.

Ive had a girlfriend 3 years ago, we were together for 2 years. And Ill have to admit she was everything I could wish for, she was not only my girlfriend but also my best friend too.

We broke up and it left me devastated and broken, even traumatized Id say. Yeah, it was that bad. Ive lost a close person whom I loved.

Since then every woman Ive had interest in turned me down, ghosted me, or nothing ever came out of it anyway.
It hurt me so much back then and it hurts me now too even though I dont think about it so much, but when it hits it hits hard.

I dont know if it matters or not regarding to dating, but my height 1.66 m, kinda short but am I undatable?

But you know what? Im not going to give up. Fuck no Im not giving up. Ever.

I wont give up because some people never even gave me a chance. I have my close friends and Im going to invest in them. I work out for 4 years already 5 times a week (Im a bodybuilder). I have a band (Im a guitarist) which I love writing music for. I also do skating. Sometimes I do meditation and I love to talk about deep stuff.

I relapse because I need somehow to cope with the loneliness that I feel and the lack of physical intimacy, touch not even in a sexual way, and emotional connection that I dont have
It sometimes feels good to have that someone who cares about you and you know you could do anything for them, you know?

I have two girls that Im good friends with and they have boyfriends/hookups and I get kinda jealeous but nothing serious.

Nothing will ever bring me down anymore, Im gonna live life like I think I should, and not how others tell me.
I will become the bodybuilder, guitarist, and the awesome guy that makes everyones day better, and I like to listen to my friends and when people tell me about their problems, I feel like I can relate and help.

Thats what I always wanted to be. And I will be.