Learned a valuable lesson on a date tonight

I’m female and I’ve done my share of online dating and it’s rough. I never ghosted anyone (how horrible to just not show up) or been ghosted but I know many men who are. I think you see the issues here but from a female perspective here’s my thoughts. You are way overthinking things here and personally investing too much in this person you have never met, and that’s resulting in your behavior which to put it nicely makes you seem insecure or bluntly most women will find it creepy. Maybe she just did not respond because she was busy? Many people show as constantly logged in to online dating if they have it on their phone, or maybe she just checked an email quick? You should send an email or text the day of confirming plans and wait for her response. If she does not confirm then don’t go, but sending an email like you did is sure to creep her out and turn off a woman who may have otherwise been interested. Tell yourself if she cancels it’s no sweat off my back there are plenty of other women who want me. I think her behavior on the date was less about weed and noise and more about being standoffish due to your earlier behavior. Just be yourself. If the conversation does not flow it’s not your fault either two people click or they don’t. But I have had men online act overly needy and I never saw them again. Understand women encounter lots of scary men online and in real life for that matter so while you likely are a really great guy you are coming off as creepy. But the more dates you go on the easier this will get for you. But try to chill!

 

I think G2002 means too much emotional value in someone you don’t know.

Ghosting is an unfortunate side affect all our modern social/communication technology. Ghosting sucks—it’s rude, doesn’t give you feedback to figure out what you’re doing wrong and gives you no sense of “closure.”

As you said though, you learned a valuable lesson. Expect that you may get ghosted and be prepared but don’t assume it until the last possible moment. One message the day of to confirm is enough and one an hour prior if you haven’t heard back. That kiss reeked of desperation but you knew that. You are right—failure is the best teacher. You go through many bad dates before the good ones.

Keep going. And next time pick a place where you can hear each other.

 

Why so much messaging before even meeting each other?

Do you even like going to bars? Is it an interesting place for you? Sitting around at a loud bar drinking alcohol is something you would do for fun?

The whole online thing turns me off. It's not for me. You set yourself up as a product to be shopped around by others picking out of a catalog. It encourages something along the lines of instant gratification and people being replaceable. Which leads to things like ghosting. People ghost because they don't see people on there as human beings. They see them as products to be attained. They see them as something that they can block or ignore with a click of a button. Maybe that's not entirely true and for sure not true for everyone, but the whole thing is very digital rather than creating a natural connection meeting people face to face. I would rather be rejected and have a bad experience face to face.

I'm sure it works for a lot of people, but I just find it more fun to meet people by actually encountering them at places I have fun at and doing things I'm interested in.

 

Something from your favorite self help author = https://markmanson.net/how-to-make-your-own-luck

If what you're doing isn't working right now, then try new things. Try something more popular or interactive than drawing / self driving vehicles clubs. Something that isn't online dating / messaging.

Find more fun things to do with your time. If you don't know what to try, then try a lot of things. Look up meetup groups.

Women are everywhere. Interact with everyone just for the sake of interacting rather than having any specific outcomes in mind. This helps you connect with more people and develops habits of sharing a good time with others.

Opportunities open up to you if you're outside interacting more.

 

If it takes over 200 messages to get a date with somebody, I don't know why anybody would think that's worth it. If they're not interested, then I wouldn't want to continue convincing them to be with me for the rest of our relationship.

 

Thanks that is exactly what I meant, placing too much emotional value in someone you don’t know and have never met.

 

I agree. For me let’s get to the meet up so I can see if you are actually the dude in the picture or not lol. But for real. I would say three emails maximum. Because the problem is you don’t know for sure that that person is really who they say they are. And as a female I can tell you all other men are pushing to meet up quickly, so if you are guy sending 300 emails she’s probably gone on 20 dates before she meets up with you. I do not blame anyone who does this, after all this is how dating used to be and arguably how it should be. But that’s not how it is today, you have to really learn a whole new way of dating. If 20 years ago guy meets girl in class at school or at a bar both are likely going to engage in phone calls, and both are likely to only be invested in that particular person, getting to know them. But these days guy has 10 other dates set up and women has 20, both have forgotten about the other within an hour after they part. I am not saying this to be negative, but its how things are and in order to be sucessful you have to know the rules of the game that is being played.

 

I know a guy that does that. He has 3-5 new dates every week.

I'm not sure how people do this. That's a lot of time and money.

This is why if women don't show interest or put in effort into the relationship then it's not worth it for me. If I'm just someone replaceable in their rotation, then I rather not waste my time.

There are people out there that focus more on other aspects of their life thus only have time and money to date one person at a time. That includes me. That's the game I play and the people that I attract. I find that I have higher quality relationships this way. Dating is a numbers game, but it doesn't have to be something void of actual connection. Overtime you develop a way to find out who is out there to find something real and who is looking for disposable and forgettable fun.

 

I like Mark Manson I've read his book, thanks for the link @elevate

 

Nooooooo, if this was monopoly you just skipped over Mayfair and didn't collect $200.00

 

Damn. That sounds exhausting. Glad I’m married. Dating in this day and age sounds like a PITA.

 

I would infer that it means being overly attached to outcomes and expectations with people you hardly know

 

when I was younger I had this happen to me many times saying this women is a angel is a mistake there a human being not human perfection .When a women hesitates it means she maybe is not that interested in you . In dating you have to lead you have to tell the women hey lets go to so and so place when you ask women to do so it makes them uneasy if she was realy into u It woundnt matter how clumsy you approach and talk to her she will be into you so it will not matter what when dates become work its a good sign she is not into you. Noe you can do better never change yourself for any women . You have to realise some women are serial daters they go out all the time with different dudes and are drama queens and are not serous or there crazy find a women that likes you as you are
Stay Strong

 

My biggest issue is you "asked her" if she wanted to go to another place that was quieter.
You stand up, put your jacket on and say "it's too loud in here, let's go somewhere quieter." Watch how she woulda stood up and followed.
I was out with a girl a few times, and she said "did you want to go such and such" and I said "up to you" and she snapped and said "no! I asked you. Don't turn it back on me"
If this girl was particularly shy and nervous she's not in the mood to make alot of decisions. She's hoping you read enough of her signals to guide her to a more comfortable place.