Learning

Extremely grateful to be back on here.
PMO is extremely cunning and recently came back into my life in a stunningly subtle way, via the app store.
In any case, I realized now that I had been lying to myself and had not really put the drug down, I still thought "maybe this time I'll get away with it".
Amazing after all the years trying to quit this I'm still not totally convinced to my core that this is deadly, non-productive, unhealthy, destructive, and brings me nothing but isolation, shame, fragmented relationships, fatigue, anxiety, social anxiety, marginal contribution compared to my actual potential. My longest streak of about 40 days was great. Then I started sleeping around a bit, hurt a few girls, and realized I was just using them to replace the high.
So, today, where I am and where I want to go:
I'm committing to total abstinence for the next 35 days. That's it. 5 weeks.
It is a selfish goal, in the sense that I have an important work assignment in this period that requires all my concentration. I intend to live this period as though I will be executed at the end of the five weeks (not reward myself with a binge).
And I will see how it goes.
I have had too many experiences of thinking I'm "cured" or "I can handle it" etc, so I will do this just for this period. After this time I will decide again.
Meanwhile, I will exercise, focus on healthy eating, shave regularly, cold shower, and meet family and work obligations. I will make healthy social commitments.
A challenge will be the gym-women in spandex, runners, cyclists are big triggers for me visually. Well for now I will force myself to look away.
Thank you all for the tremendous inspiration on this site. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I truly believe nofap is a tremendous force for good on the planted.

 

Just checking to see if the counter will start showing up