Leaving the Hive

We’ll I’ll tell the truth . That’s he’s unwell lol

 

As am I . As you and I both know that this illness is contagious .

 

Last night the party was a good time . I let myself get got lost in the laughs . Today’s conversation were not . I’m always left with my head spinning . My brain and my heart not aligned . My heart saying it’s not so bad he’s got this one flaw , my brain saying get out . My finances and health situation right now ( ankle injury , out of work for the last 3 months no income ) brain says stay . Every time I find out , I ask myself what will the relationship look like if he kept it and I knew for a fact he has a laptop . That’s never happened. How will he be different. How will I be different. I know I won’t feel crazy and suspicious. I know I’ll just assume he’s abusing it . I’m screwed either way . Do people actually stay when their spouse refuses to give it up. And if so do you still do all the couples things , holding hands , date night , sex (when offered ) . And if you do , do you consider that to be fake and inauthentic? I really wish he didn’t pull me back in last time . I was DONE .

 

I’m going through my usual arsenal , Bloom , Nofap , SA , and I’m just not invested .

 

I am a redundant mess of a person . Given my health and income I have to move on IN the relationship. I just don’t know how . I love this fool . When I say this is our ONLY issue , it is . He’s a good man in every other way . I get flowers once a month , he holds my hand , is kind etc . But does any of that matter if he has P . I’ll assume he’s used . So even if he hasn’t on that day I’ll treat him as such , right . Sex is important for me in so many ways always has been . I don’t think there’s a fight to reach him anymore . He knows all the work for PA . He knows everything. He knows the affects on me . And he risked it all , again . In hopes I would never find it . There is nothing left in the magic hat . The arsenal is empty , used so many many times . I’m now going to be left to sell a brand new boat , camper , golf cart on my own . All those dreams just shattered by a selfish fleeting moment . As for myself it’s the usual . I can’t not eat . I’m surviving off saltines and Gatorade and only eating that because I’m a type 1 diabetic. Today I at least promise myself I’ll eat .

 

Share what ? The ankle injury will not heal . I was just diagnosed with CRPS . Ugg . I didn’t even know what it was . Thankfully I live where the doctors are very familiar with it . It will never cure , however it can go in remission . Honestly I wouldn’t wish CRPS on anyone this alone is life altering and now my husband is altering my life even more. I have a libre so I’m monitoring myself . I’m making sure I don’t go to low or too high . <3

 

Oh it’s now almost to my calf . I’m seeing specialists, I’ve had testing etc . Which results

 

Oh if I eat lol yes I’ll share when I do lol

 

I just had a protein shake

 

First appt with new therapist ( yes I got on this FAST ) . I like her , although I don’t love Telehealth with this issue . Mostly me telling my story . She was saying things I already knew . This isn’t my first rodeo . I just am at a loss . Day by day. He has thrown himself into withdraw mode as usual . Working OT . Busy work here . Ugg

 

Oh my A1C is 7 which is ok for me being that I’m brittle . My BS at the moment is 135 , my electrolytes are always good I drink a ton of water

 

I’m at least taking all my vitamins and meds

 

I just realized I’ve been here for 5 years .

 

He knows . He knows it got “bad” in the past , it won’t again because he’s mindful now . He he really feels this time , he’s completely normal for wanting to look because it’s normal for the man