Life with pygophilia

I’m really exposing myself here but fuck it. Needed to find a way to release this before I say goodbye to this strain on my life indefinitely.


Some things I need to clarify:

1. Throughout this journey I rarely masturbated. I was scared to as I thought it would damage my penis.

NOTE: I won’t disclose the name of the twerker I used to watch as I don’t want to be the cause of someone else’s addiction. In this confession I will refer to her as ‘M’.


WARNING: The content exposed in this confession is very sexual and unfiltered. It may induce arousal so be prepared.


My journey with this addiction starts in 2013 in the late stages of primary school. I was first introduced to a twerking video by a family member. Curiosity from this experience led me to find a trio of twerkers who’d post videos on YouTube. I watched the group for a bit but I stopped when my laptop broke. I took a break until around summer 2015 where I rediscovered the group on YouTube through vine compilations. It was no longer a trio, they were now a duo consisting of “M” and her sister “L”. I preferred M over her sister and found she had her own YouTube page. I followed her YouTube page for a while but it got deleted. She made a second one so I followed it. Through her YouTube page I found the link to her Instagram page. Back then you didn’t need an account to view posts so I was able to access her videos without having the app.


In 2016, a friend introduced me to looking at Instagram models in bikinis. He initially said I was too innocent for it but show me anyways. I was enchanted. I remember this was the period when peers would brag about getting nudes and I wanted to join in the convos. Then when my friend showed this to me I said wow. I didn’t even need to graft for them anymore. I was hooked. Before this I had never see a nude or anything. I remember downloading Instagram shortly after. The addition of Instagram ramped up this addiction because it developed into a cesspit of ass, thongs, g-strings, arch poses and twerking videos. I had more access to M and I found other women through IG pages dedicated to ass. The asses I saw enchanted me. There was so much variety. Every race. I remember the escalation, it started off with relatively thick girls posing bikini pictures then progressed to woman with fat asses bending over on all fours twerking. I can’t describe the pleasure I received but it soothed me. It helped me to cope with pain. But it also caused a lot of pain. I’d waste hours scrolling through these pages consuming content and I’d reverse image search pics that weren’t tagged to find the original image and find more women to lust over. I used to create social media accounts for the sole purpose of consuming this content while telling IRL people I don’t use these social media apps. The introduction to Instagram changed the game forever. My addiction to ass compounded because of it. I noticed IG models would delete posts or have their posts removed so I started to download their pictures onto my phone. M’s YouTube channel was deleted again so I took it upon myself to create a YouTube account to repost her videos. I also created a Facebook account to source more content to repost. I wanted to gain something out of this addiction. I got millions of views and thousands of subscribers from the YouTube channel but I couldn’t monetise. 2016 was also the year I was first introduced to masturbation by friends but when I tried I couldn’t ejaculate.


In 2017, the addiction started to take a big toll on my psyche. I began to recreate what I was consuming online in private. I learnt to pull my boxers into the thong shape. I learnt how to pose for a butt selfie. I learnt how to take an image in the right angle for an ass pic. I learnt how to jiggle my cheeks simultaneously. I used to cut up my boxers to create thongs, I learnt how to arch my back. I used to want a smaller penis because it would poke out in my “thongs” and prevent me from recreating certain poses. In addition, my balls kept slipping out of these “thongs” which I didn’t like so I would visualise being a woman and wished to be reincarnated as a woman in my next life. Sometimes I’d borrow my sister’s wigs and record myself twerking or take pictures recreating the booty pics. I hid my face in each pic or vid. I would delete this content from my phone instantly out of fear of anyone somehow finding out. I remember it also escalated to having the desire to have a fat ass like these IG girls - I first considered buying bum pads but I lacked the confidence to ever buy it so I started to stick tissue up my boxers to create the illusion of a big ass. It didn’t feel realistic so I used to stuff water balloons up my boxers and jiggle my cheeks instead. These recreations fucked my identity and self image. I thought I was gay. I felt shame. I felt emasculated. It didn’t help that my first ejaculation occurred after performing these recreations. Seeing my ass cheeks bounce like M’s ass did things to me. This fucked me hard because I started having wet dreams where I’d recreate random twerking videos featuring my body but M’s ass.


In 2018, I got the idea to make an Instagram page reposting pictures of women from Instagram so I started downloading and hoarding pictures to repost. I started to use Instagram as a way to offload some of my thoughts. I had collections of images representing my turn ons e.g. “when the thong is pulled halfway down” etc.


This year is when real sexual desire came to the fore for me. Inspired by my desires to have sex in real life, I created something called “STJ”. “STJ” was a description of individual girls that I wanted to have sex with. STJ became a foundation for the next stage of my addiction. In addiction to this, I created a list of locations I wanted to have sex in - I used Instagram to represent this (had a collection of women bent over in the different locations I wanted to have sex in). Inspired by STJ, I gave porn a try. Despite being aware of porn for a while, I could never get aroused by it. The idea of watching people have sex never gripped me.


In 2019 however, I started to view porn more. For the first half of the year, my smartphone was confiscated (reason is unrelated) and I was given a brick phone. I remember finding an IG model (I’ll call her K) just before my phone was confiscated. K posted videos on porn sites and her videos were solo and ass focused. Her videos featured her throwing it back against dildos attached to the wall, twerking against objects, using sex machines etc. Her videos opened me up to a new world. Another escalation. Through K’s videos and porn sites I developed new sources of arousal. Seeing women shooting objects out of their ass aroused me. I loved watching videos and gifs of women with fat asses poop, seeing the shit excrete from their ass turned me on. I loved watching videos of women using sex machines on themselves. Seeing them propped up in the arch position, watching their ass jiggle after each thrust pleasured me. Just the fact they were in that position lying there doing minimal work gave me pleasure. I loved watching women operate like chickens - excreting objects out of their ass. I grew to indulge in categories like BDSM, “ass gloryholes” etc. I also became aroused by watching YouTube videos of animals with “big asses” e.g. horses and hippos shit.


The pandemic provided me with opportunities for further escalations. Instagram ramped up its control of sexual content so IG girls and M made the switch to OnlyFans. I was too poor and had too much ego to pay for it so through Twitter I found out that people repost on Reddit. I downloaded Reddit and Reddit took the obsession with ass into overdrive. On Reddit I found more ass pics and more sexually suggestive content. Through Instagram, I had developed an obsession with thongs and g strings and Reddit had subreddits dedicated to these things which worsened my addiction. The ass pics from Reddit were more realistic which tricked my mind into thinking I was receiving these pics from girls I know (this is what I always wanted from the beginning). In addition, Reddit introduced me to Rule 34. I thought Rule 34 was less harmful than porn but but was I wrong. I gained a lot of pleasure from Rule 34 but the PAIN was massive. Rule 34 introduced me to pet play and BDSM comics. Seeing the females on all fours with tails and collars again gave me peak arousal. The idea of a female acting like a dog or a cat sent me in overdrive. I loved the rule 34 genre of public use - the idea was a woman’s ass was readily available like a toilet (essentially a gloryhole) to be used. This same concept was mirrored in “stuck in the wall” images. I loved seeing cartoon characters redesigned as thick women posing sexually. The different poses turned me on. Seeing Daphne arch it up, seeing Shego arched up or seeing an image of Peach’s ass stuck in the pipe was something else. I vividly remember one picture of a cartoon I had a crush on, Totally Spies. The character was arched over in a bodysuit and there was a rip on the section covering her ass. She looked sexy. Another one, featuring Atom Eve, I think her legs were up in the air, her ass and legs looked plump and full. Inspired by the content I’d consume on rule34 I created detailed stories of STJ - what they’d wear when we fucked, how they’d look, how we’d meet, their personality, their background e.g. family life and social status etc. I did this just before I went to university. I was motivated to make this a reality but when I got to uni I realised I couldn’t even approach a girl. It wasn’t as easy as I had preempted.


M upped her content on OnlyFans to increase the levels of nudity - she started with twerking on shorts and leggings on Instagram to twerking in thongs, g-strings and nude on OnlyFans. Her jiggle was hypnotic. It enchanted me. I started to actively contribute in the subreddit created for M, I’d source videos from other fans and repost them into the subreddit.


The introduction of rule 34, porn and M’s OnlyFans content led to more extreme sexual recreations. When everyone’s sleeping, I’d go around the house playing both positions (doing doggy style arch and thrusting the air) in locations I wanted to fuck STJ in e.g. in the shower, on the sofa, on the bed, in the fridge, in the oven, in the washing machine, on a chair etc. The recreations continue to progress sexually, this time I start experimenting with my ass a bit more. Inspired by the wall dildo and sex machine videos I’m watching, I start sticking things up my ass and pressing objects against my ass. I stuck the toilet cleaner brush up my ass (brought a new one after) & stuck my ass against the toilet roll holder (disinfected and cleaned it after).


Later in 2020, I get to university. First couple weeks I felt too much shame to perform recreations but I got comfortable in my new accommodation and realised I don’t have to worry about anyone potentially walking in so my recreations went up a notch. I started to rub my ass and arch up against anything in my room e.g. drawer handles, walls, radiator knobs, chair adjustment lever and I’d perform the same “playing both sides” act on the desk, on my bed, in the shower, on the chair and in the closet. This was only the beginning. It would get worse. Couple months later, I tried to recreate the sex machine and wall dildo videos by placing the toilet cleaner brush on top of the toilet seat with the handle facing away from the toilet tank, I lubed up the handle and backed myself into it. I remember I didn’t feel satisfied because it wasn’t staying in place so I got the idea to use the pipes under the sink instead. I lubed up the pipe and then backed myself into it. Felt peak arousal. I remember when I used to watch porn, seeing the female’s shit on the dildo used to arouse me so I copied this. Sometimes after a shit I wouldn’t wipe myself and then I’d press my ass against the pipe so I could see my shit on it. I remember times when I attempted to lax myself so I could see more of my shit on the pipe. I developed a habit of smearing my dirty ass’ shit on the toilet seat after pooing.


In 2021, My desire to have sex in real life grows and so does my addiction to STJ. I had another phone (I’ll call it phone #2) and used it to store downloaded images of rule 34 characters that looked like each STJ, screenshots from M’s OnlyFans videos where she’s performing sexual poses in locations I wanted to fuck in, underwear I wanted each STJ to wear and screenshots of sexual poses from IG girls I wanted the STJ to recreate. I also begun taking real life action. I began approaching real girls which somewhat reduced the frequency of my habits. Additionally, I made a MEGA account to access more files from M’s OnlyFans to repost. Through subreddits dedicated to M, I realise that I can make money off this. After some experiences with real life girls, for the first time ever I considered quitting but I remained firm in my desire to make money from it. I got the idea to make a massive file to sell and then retire. Recreations continue. I performed another recreation exploring my own ass. I lubed up and stuck small objects up my ass - rubbers, pens, glue gun sticks and my mini handheld fan. I ejaculated after sticking the fan up my ass. I felt intense levels of shame. I felt disgusted. I thought it was super gay so I went on a long break of performing recreations.


In 2022, the frequency of rule 34 and porn dissipates due to the disgust the previous recreation caused me. I was still addicted to viewing IG girls and I’d spend hours daily sourcing videos for a massive file of M. The file of M included videos and pictures posted of her spanning from 2015-2022. I had old content stored in emails I’d created for the addiction. The aim was for it to be unique so I could sell it for the maximum price. In March, I made a subreddit to repost the content of one of my favourite IG girls (I’ll call her T). I did this because T kept deleting her posts and she made an OnlyFans, so I was hoping someone would repost her content onto the subreddit. In Summer I get my first job. I thought once I had left school my life would improve but it didn’t. My life was still shit. I still had the problems I struggled with in school (bullying/overall disrespect). I realised my addiction was the reason my life was so shit (my life was ass in school due to bullying and difficult home. I think this is what made me turn to this addiction. I thought once I’d find a new environment my life would improve but it didn’t). I found a self improvement YouTuber and he identified that this habit was the reason my life was so bad and he was saying it was something so many young guys struggled with. He said he struggled similarly (toxic home/school life + similar addiction) but he cultivated the life he dreamed of by abstaining from the habit, gratitude journalling and meditation. I followed his advice so I deleted every vid of M I had, deleted every rule 34 image I had downloaded, deleted my Reddit account that I used to upload videos of M, deleted T’s subreddit, deleted the IG accounts I used to feed my addiction and went on my first streak of abstinence. This started a period of streak and relapse. My first streak provided a lot of change - this is when I realised how bad this addiction actually was. Abstinence, gratitude journalling and meditation gave me more confidence and more presence. I started to get morning wood. I started to get erect through conversation with a pretty woman. Eye contact became easy.


I started to develop a routine of “streak-relapse-streak-relapse”. Abstaining for 2-3 weeks then relapsing. March 2023, old habits die hard so I made another IG to peek, this sent me back into my addiction. Couple months later I had a massive relapse. I indulged in everything I used to indulge - M, IG girls, rule 34, porn videos etc. During this relapse, I collated my favourite images and videos of IG girls and celebrities and created gifs of my favourite twerking moves performed by M to send to an email I created for this addiction. I also had a strong desire for a specific porn video I used to have on phone #2. The desire was so strong I spent money to travel back home to retrieve my second phone in case it was still there in storage. The effects of this particular relapse were heavy - I left the house and saw some girls I was interested in but I couldn’t bare to look up at them. I was confused, almost heartbroken. I hadn’t felt like that in a while. I realised that this habit induces so much shame. I felt so powerless at that moment, I thought I had serious game. Around two months later, the idea of making an Instagram page dedicated to ass came back. It was something I first considered in 2018 but the idea was pushed to the back of my mind. Hit me randomly 5 years later and this time I took action. Instead of a page, I thought it should be a brand. The brand would consist of an Instagram page, a Twitter page, a TikTok page and a subreddit. I began downloading and collating content to post. The plan was to store the content on phone #2 and phone #3; I’d leave the phones at home and I’d post every time I come back from university so I wouldn’t get addicted. I created the IG page, the Twitter page, the TikTok page and a link-tree. I had so much content stored on my phone #2 and phone #3 to post. I kept finding content to repost but there was one model who prevented me from posting on IG and Twitter. T. T’s Instagram page was private - I could only use the content that I had previously downloaded to post on the subreddit I made of her a year ago. She was the final piece. I wanted more of her content so I requested T’s Instagram. After some thought I decided against the brand. I realised this could genuinely fuck up my life. Let’s say I reach my goal, I may be “rich” but at what cost? My dick probs wouldn’t work. ED would’ve finished me and killed any dream of conceiving a child in future. Also the rabbit hole of this shit is endless. Let’s say I make this social media brand and it does well, I’d have to keep finding more and more girls to post. Who knows when I would’ve stopped? After this I went on another streak but it ended after my environment triggered me. I mentioned earlier that in 2020, I performed recreations in my university accommodation. Well I live in the same accommodation as the one from 2020 and there was one day when I came back from a revision session at around the time I’d perform recreations. As I was changing into my pyjamas, I felt my cheeks jiggle. I went to look in the mirror and I started playing with my cheeks akin to how M did in her OnlyFans videos. I lifted my cheeks up and watched them bounce back like M did in her videos. I then rubbed oil on my cheeks like M did in her videos to make my ass shine and started twerking, performing the same moves as M. I spanked myself with a ruler like M does in her videos (softly so flatmates wouldn’t hear me). I began to gyrate against the desk exactly like M did in her videos when she’d pretend to ride. I learnt how to arch my back for maximum penetration like M did in her videos. I rubbed cream on tissue and stuck it up my ass to recreate the rule 34 pictures. I rubbed cream on my dressing gown belt, stuck it up my ass and crawled around my room like a cat (recreating rule 34 petgirl fetish). Then I pulled my boxers into thong shape and took pictures in the mirror to recreate pictures from IG girls. My ass looked so fat! To end it off, I rubbed cream against the pipe under the sink and pressed my ass against the pipe. This was the most intense recreation I had ever performed. I was disgusted and it made me realise how deep rooted the addiction was. Wasn’t until reflection when I realised the location and timing triggered me. I vowed to end recreations. I then went on my longest streak ever without indulging in the content. The streak ended when I got a notification from T on IG that she accepted my follow request. Crazy that she accepted all those months later. In the later stages of 2023, I made a new Reddit account and subreddit of M to repost her videos for others as no one was reposting her videos anymore. I made another Reddit account to post a confession. In the confession I retraced my journey of this addiction and spoke about a time when I used to stick water balloons up my boxers and shake it to recreate the jiggle of the female ass. I did this again. I was aroused by feeling the water balloons “jiggle” when I would shake my ass and hearing the water move when the balloons bounced together. I combined this with another recreation method - I rubbed cream on tissue and stuck it up my ass then I pressed my ass against the pipe under the sink, ensuring that the tissue and the two water balloons were pressed against the pipe. I ejaculated and felt disgusted. I didn’t like how I could ejaculate in minutes when I’d press my ass against the pipe but it’d take me hours to ejaculate when I’d watch M’s OnlyFans videos. This was another escalated recreation that brought shame. I went on another streak then relapsed after peeking and reposting videos on M’s subreddit. During this relapse, I had a real desire to actually connect with an IG model who I’ll call C1. I didn’t want to just lust over C1’s pictures, I wanted to actually fuck her so I messaged her on my personal TikTok the same way I’d message real girls I was interested in. She aired me but I thought this was some form of progress. After this relapse I had some work to do so I went to the library. Sat down near the cafe area and couldn’t focus. I ogled every female ass that walked past. I had to check if it was big or small. I’d stare longer if it was big, I felt compelled to admire the jiggle. My eyes were glued to it, I felt like a creep. I came to the conclusion that keeping the second IG account and reposting onto the subreddit meant I was still addicted, it just had a weaker grip on me. If I wanted to truly conquer this shit then I’d have to rid myself of everything.


I haven’t spoken on the effects this addiction had on relationships with real women. Because of porn, I had a period where I couldn’t make eye contact with a woman I was interested in. Because of these habits, I began to sweat in social situations. I remember when I first abstained I had to fight the urge to not spank every woman I worked with. I developed some unhealthy attachments with real life women and crushes. I remember having an obsessive crush on this girl from school who shared similar characteristics with M. I couldnt bring myself to be with her in real life, I could only message her on social media. I feared her knowing who I really was. I developed a level of anxiety around thick women in real life, I remember bringing a girl back home and I froze. Literally couldn’t speak. I felt so much embarrassment. Not to mention the inability to be aroused by a woman who didn’t have a big ass. I remember having dry sex with a girl and not getting erect.


This post is super detailed but I needed to get this out of my head. I needed to get every detail out there - too graphic for Reddit. Fuck this shit. Started from a twerking video and developed into sticking things up my ass and spanking myself. My addiction to a fat female ass fucked me and tried to ruin my life. But nah it won’t. I have so much success ahead waiting for me to claim. I’ll forever be grateful for the YouTuber who helped me to quit. I’ll forever be grateful for the NoFap community who helped me build the intensity to quit and continue with streaks. I’m forever grateful for finding this shit at my current age. Who know where this could’ve taken me. I remember during my most recent recreation I kept thinking about doing it outside. I envisioned going to a park late at night, pulling down my trousers and arching on the floor to feel the breeze on my ass. I thought about the exact park I’d do it in. I think this was the next stage but I’m grateful that I never acted out on this thought and that I never will.


To truly rid myself I have to be thankful. M, IG girls, rule 34 etc all helped me to cope with difficult emotions and a stressful time period. It’s been a wild journey. It is now time for the journey to end. Grief is inevitable. I’ve tried to give up but in order to truly heal and move forward I need to acknowledge and accept everything.


I’ve deleted everything - every email account I created to indulge in this addiction, every social media account and I’m in the process of selling the phones I used to view and store this shit. I want to completely be rid of this shit.


Piece of advice for anyone going through similar, distract yourself. Staying on NoFap forums etc keeps it in your mind. You want to reach a point where you completely forget this shit even exists. Keep going man. You’ll win this fight. Good luck warrior.