My friend, here are my thoughts: 1. Suicide is absolutely the wrong thing to do. People think it "solves" something. Who says? There is no actual evidence that it solves anything, because no one knows what happens after. 2. It sounds like you have a doctor. Seek his or her advice. Lots of well intentioned people here, including me, but what do we know? We don't know you, and we certainly don't have all the facts. 3. Being gay or having gay thoughts or desires is not the worst thing in the world. I don't think you are gay. But even if you were, it's not reason to be so unhappy. 4. Sometimes all sorts of strange things go through our heads and even get us aroused. It happens. 5. DO NOT 'TEST' YOURSELF with porn or anything like that. Bad idea. It's kind of like saying, I don't know what this strange liquid is. Maybe it's deadly poison. I'll test it by tasting it. Hmm, didn't kill me; so I'll drink more... Porn is poison, and will only make things worse. 6. Believe it or not, it is quite possible to have a happy, normal life without sex or sexual release all the time. It could be that what would help would be some overall "de-sexualization" of your day-to-day life? It can't hurt?