Looking for hope after betrayal

I do not have a lot of time to post my whole story but want to reach out for additional support. I have been in RECOVERY for several years with the big D day the end of 2016. Prior to this, my husband's addiction trickled out in bouts of pornography discoveries and partial confessions. It was devastating and I reached out to my local Church for help and support (I regret that many well meaning people did not help point either one of in a direction to get help for addiction and trauma/ my husband did not hit his bottom and I don't believe was ever truly honest). Our marriage was founded on a faith in something bigger than us. A faith in God. I was a new Christian when I met my long time Christian husband. I have lost this grounded hope in Christ. I question all truth….Fast forward, several difficult life circumstances including the loss of my mom and a drawn out miscarriage all at the same time, and my husband confessed that he was not being emotionally available and had been acting out again to pornography. As a 'good wife' on bed rest for threat of a miscarriage he had pretended to be in 'need' sexually and I tried to relieve him. Anyways, it makes me sick to think about still. So selfish. I finally let go of the baby after people came to pray for us, and afterwards my husband confessed what he had been doing. He buried the very little baby in our backyard. I thought that was the low, which it was a low, but the help needed didn’t happen. We moved to gain more support with family near by, and when I asked how he was doing with the pornography struggle, he lied. In the world of RECOVERY, I now know that my intuition has been turned upside down through lies, manipulation and gas lighting. In my story, this time period was a time of starting fresh, and healing. I remember asking how he was doing because he was always so level and chill while I was a mess. I was actually going through a healthy grieving process. I look back at that time and I realize I did that without my husband. I even sought out counseling for my grief thinking there was something wrong with me. He did not have the skills to be there for his wife, did not let me be there for him, and he was continuing to lie about his pornography acting out. We had a son, which was also a very healing and scary pregnancy. My husband worked out of town every couple weeks, and I felt things were off, and chalked it up to being the stress of the job. I told him no more to this job dynamic. It was too hard on our family. We will pull together and figure out something else. Finally, a new job came about right after we had decided that we would all move (not ideal) so we can be together. It wasn't even a month of being home, and I felt more than ever that things were off. I believe that once he was home these feelings would dissipate greatly. They got worse. One thing led to another and through a phone discovery, my world flipped upside down to discover that my partner in life, the man I believed had my back, crossed lines in ways that I never imagined he would. He had been with another woman, and later I would find out many women. Many of you may know the phases of shock, and extreme emotions. I lost a lot of weight really fast, and I felt like I went from building this beautiful life to being pushed into a dark corner with bombs going off all around me. My son was only 9 months old, and I was homeschooling our two daughters. In fact, I was reading about European history, and when my world got flipped upside down I started reading books about ‘sex addiction’ and do people survive this? Educating myself about what the HELL I was dealing with took most of the little energy I had. To say I felt overwhelmed, is an understatement. To top it off, he checked out. He abandoned me, and became emotionally abusive. It has been a messy journey of finding support getting into recovery, separations, multiple disclosures (the depth of where his addiction escalated devastated me over and over, and every trickle of information increased my fear and on the look out for danger) and more. Today, we have both come a long way. I have watched my husband go from numb, hard, and cold to slowly coming back to life. I cry writing this line because I care about his well being so much. I am also afraid of him hurting me. I had to deeply search for the right kind of help (still am in a lot of ways), but am in a much better place. He is choosing recovery, and continues to mature, grow, and heal all while raising a family, and dealing with every day stresses. In my recovery, I talk a lot about polarized emotions. I love him, and I hate him. I am relieved the man I fell in love with is getting help, and I am so angry. I want to be held, and I don't want to see his face. Last summer we went through a therapeutic disclosure. I should add, that first year was filled with more leaky disclosures that reopened the wounds and added trauma on top of trauma. Last fall we moved back in together as a family, and there was a bad scary relapse in December. I thought we were done. He seemed so discouraged and so was I. It was this moment of, "We fought, and we failed. What I believed could be so beautiful is actually one really sad tragedy." By some miracle, we held onto some sort of thread and there has been a huge turning point in recovery. Many good days, and a continued roller-coaster as we work through the web of all this. I hope for healing and restoration in our relationship and fighting the good fight for our family.

Today, our paths have crossed into more couples recovery. My husband is working hard at developing empathy and holding space more me to heal and build trust in myself and with him. It is so hard. I am doing a lot of self care, but to be honest I feel a sort of body shut down in me. I am so tired, and I know I am doing a lot of grieving. I have done so much grieving work already, and now I have entered into this season, where I NEED to be heard and understood. I am trying to stay in a place of grace and give space for my husband to grow and mature in his recovery. I am super short fused to him being defensive and I have a lot of fear. I hate feeling so up and down in my emotions. I am on the fence about going to my doctor to discuss my depression symptoms. I have good days, but I am really struggling with hopeless feelings. PTSD from betrayal trauma is a real thing. Looking for the light. Thought I would try and keep it short, but this is what came out as soon as I started letting it out. Thank you to anyone willing to hear me out.