Losin' faith

After a honeymoon nofap period, the heavy dreariness of the struggle is starting to wear me down.

I relapsed last night and today, subconsciously because of crappy things going on in my life atm, as well as a dumb curiosity with chat rooms.

I dont think i'll relapse in my views on pmo; I think it is a bad thing that diminishes us and, in a small way, tears down the good things in the world - real joy, true freedom, trust and love, hope, dignity, self-respect etc.
But
I cant help but look at forums like this and get disenchanted with the weirdos on the frontlines. Even Alexander makes me wonder sometimes, lol. And I found myself getting increasingly impatient and disgusted with the usual 'boo-hoo' threads, or the pervert threads which mask a problem with, basically, just a desire to confess some pretty weird shit.

And I dont want to be a hypocrite that comes back straight after a relapse saying "but NOW i've found the answer; follow me!" Yet nor am I a beached whale here, moaning helplessly on the shore and wondering how to get back to where I should be.
Actually, and not to encourage anyone in any way to follow me, but after relapse I got a mountain of work done today. And I think that maintaining a 2month run was actually diverting a lot of energy for me and penting up frustration which couldnt find adequate release in furiously cycling for a few hours or laughing at something funny.

My big problem is loneliness and not having anyone to be real with at the moment. I dont know how to ask for help and reach out, because I always feel disgusted at myself when I hear myself offloading all this heaviness on someone I love and respect; I dont want to burden friends/family with it, so I try to be fun or take some of their burden.

Anyway, I at least have faith that we're never completely hopeless and 'God' (sorry if that offends anyone) works in strange ways; literally a couple of minuets after relapse as the awful reality of things threatened to sink in, my best mate called up and begged me to go out with him tonight. We always have a great time and he knows how to take me out of myself and my girl problems, so it was really unusually great to hear from him.

So in short, I suspect that i'm starting to outgrow the nofap forum, like others have no doubt done before. But i'm really grateful for the initial boost, the early support and education and foundation to try and keep sexuality in a healthy perspective. But I dont think it's a healthy place to dwell for too long. We really cant define ourselves by not masturbating, just like we cant define ourselves by the porn we become addicted to. Life is so much more. And any one life has such a complex jumble of pressures/joys/tragedies etc, that compete with eachother and drive us to temporary fixes that constantly need to be examined, challenged and rebalanced.

Nofap is really a springboard to say 'hey, lets pump the brakes on this deep-fried fast food sex' and to redirect yourself appropriately. So I think i'll minimize my time here. And I might encourage other long-term users who have set up an identity here, providing reams of half-baked advice on any question and often sounding like lunatics (lol), to do the same.

My last thought is for Mark Quippet(sp); he was the one who drew me to nofap and I hope he reemerges soon. A natural leader, role model, strong and able to teach. I loved his youtube vids and insights. It was great to find someone talking about such a real problem for me, with credibility, solid insights and practical advice and just the bigness and confidence to say 'follow me'. We all desperately need authentic, flesh-and-blood leaders like that in our lives. I hope you all find one.

Peace!