Separate names with a comma.
Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by LilD, Jun 15, 2018.
I would say give it 30 days
@STAR DUST, I relapsed today after 35 days.
Dude scratch the reboot if she is ready. You are totally dropping the ball. Only release with her. You want to only fap because it is comfortable and familiar congrats on 35 days but you can not I repeat can not waste your precious life force that is your seed. Especially to porn
Damn that sucks. You are going to ruin your relationship a drop in the bucket will eventually fill to the top. You must take this sreious
@helpfuldude, you lived up to your name. Well said.
Any updates? You said that you've fucked up, if you want, you can give some details so people can help you so that you don't fuck up the next time. Meeting in places other than an apartment can strengthen the connection between you two, and it can keep you relaxed also. But if she is inviting you to her apartment, I don't think that you can push too hard as a virgin. Still, if you don't want to go into that direction, you can always talk to her about it.
So, the updates are what we'll have a date only on Monday. Quite a long time since the last one.
It was just once. Usually, we meet in public places. Yes, that keeps me relaxed, but at the same time, I don't even have a chance to start something more sexual. Maybe I'm hurrying too much.
If you haven't touched her yet, why not just try to do something simple like hold her hand? I really am pulling for you man, a lot of what I am reading in this thread is how I would handle the situation. I just think that maybe holding her hand and looking into her eyes might help give you direction. Just keep the conversation going and don't be so hard on yourself. Good luck!
I already help her hand, kissed and hugged her a lot. I even pinched her ass once. But this is as far as I could go, given that we mostly hang out in public places.
You are putting too much stock into this one girl and that is a big part of the problem. I am female and my best friend is in her 30s and a virgin. There is nothing wrong with that, but it does create some issues that people in their 30s don’t normally deal with. First, if you loose your virginity when you are younger, by the time you are 30 sex is not as big of a deal. When you are younger you worry less. Plus everyone is in the same boat inexperienced. As time progresses and you remain a virgin having sex is more and more important. But you also lack relationship experiences. So I had my heart broken at 16 and many years after. I’m tougher and wiser. You are like a 16 year old In a 30 year olds body dealing with 30 year olds. When I read that you were dating a girl got two weeks and she’s your “girlfriend” it hit me that you may not have a ton of dating experience. If this girl rejects you if you bomb in bed you know what? So what!! There are 100s yes 100s of other women out there who want you and will love you for who you are! Don’t let your self esteem rise and fall with her or how you are in bed.
Second and this is the pmo part, we ladies we are people just like you. We get nervous we are insecure we feel fat we fear rejection. We worry we are bad when we have sex with you that we are not Pretty. Don’t put us on pedestals as some mythical creature. Get out there and know women as friends. Not friends you want to sleep with but friends. Interact with us and that will get you more comfortable. And no pmo for 6 months minimum.
I have female friends, two of them. They are much older than me and I got so far (even tho it's not very far, but further than I ever was) with this girl mostly because I was able to get their perspective on many questions.
No. Mission impossible. In 6 months she will probably be gone from our shithole. I have to move forward just to not be left behind.
That’s great keep those friendships up they are clearly helping you. So your question is do I move forward with this girl when my body and mind are not healed and crash and burn and get my heart broken or do I end this relationship and work on myself and get back out there in 6 months or a year when I’m in a better place and get back out there and date other women when I’m fully healthy? And when you are fully healthy who knows maybe the girl you are dating now may still be single and interested? Why the rush? Why must it be this girl? When you are not emotionally healthy you can’t be in a healthy relationship. If you push this now things won’t end well. There are many other women out there!
Pessimism is strong with this one.
My point of view is based on my experience from Narcotics Anonymous, and from there I found out that addiction is an incurable disease. Whatever I do, I will be addicted for the rest of my life, and I'll have to continue my recovery till the end. In this respect, 6 months of sitting alone and waiting for my body and mind magically heal sounds naive. These relationships are the part of my recovery because I learn how to interact with a real woman. So, instead of waiting around for 6 months, I better move forward, make some mistakes, learn from them, and move further.
There is no rush, the pace is normal right now, I don't push but don't hold back either.
Because I like her more than the other girls? I don't want a random girl.
If you are familiar with NA then you are familiar with their recommendation that you should have one year of sobriety before dating. How long have you been pmo free? Why do you think they don’t recommend it? Because love is a drug. People not clean and sober just switch their drug of choice to the partner and that’s not love or a relationship. This is particularly true with sex addicts looking to replace pmo with sex or a partner.
You stated earlier that you were inpatient. You are used to the instant gratification of porn. Here’s a good article https://www.psychologytoday.com/int...01509/what-dating-looks-recovering-sex-addict
And you are correct once an addict always an addict but there is a big difference between an addict in recovery and one who is still in active addiction. No you would not just sit around and wait for your body to heal you would work on healing. You would go to counseling you would work the steps anc you would focus on you.
Addicts in long term sobriety have developed healthy coping mechanisms and are more able to use those when the stress that comes along with new relationships comes on and it’s there in every new relationships even the best ones. You have another persons feelings to manage and you can’t manage your own! Stopping pmo is loosing your security blanket. Your feelings are raw. Rejection will likely throw you into relapse. If she dumps you how would you feel?
And if she’s special if she’s different then you would not get into a relationship with her now because you would realize that you can’t give her what she needs right now. But you are not thinking about her as an individual with feelings. You are thinking of her as an object that you desire and you wish to have for your own. That’s a pmo addict mindset. But you can’t see that because you are not in recovery long enough to see what a healthy mindset is.
I know you don’t like to hear this but the best thing for you and for her is to get a significant period of sustained sobriety. She won’t fix your pmo problem.
@GG2002, I will do what I will.
I know you don’t like to hear this but the best thing for you and for her is to get a significant period of sustained sobriety. She won’t fix your pmo problem.[/QUOTE]
Are you suggesting for pmo addicts to take an entire year off before dating?
I am asking because some of my friends and family around me are asking me to initiate conversations with certain females who I suppose are "available" right now. I have started messaging this one girl, she is out of state, and I thought that it would be okay to continue shooting messages here and there but now after reading this whole thread I am unsure and unsure when and if I do cut off the talking when I would be good enough to go back and try and reopen those lines of communcation.
Are you suggesting for pmo addicts to take an entire year off before dating?
I am asking because some of my friends and family around me are asking me to initiate conversations with certain females who I suppose are "available" right now. I have started messaging this one girl, she is out of state, and I thought that it would be okay to continue shooting messages here and there but now after reading this whole thread I am unsure and unsure when and if I do cut off the talking when I would be good enough to go back and try and reopen those lines of communcation.[/QUOTE]
Do your friends and family know about your journey? Even if they do often they don’t really understand what you are dealing with and what is best for you, unless they have recovered from an addiction themselves. They mean well, and what single person, addict or not has not had family and friends push them to date? It’s totally a normal thing. They want the best for you. Personally I don’t think it’s a set number for everyone, but certainly the OP is not at a point where I could see any professional recommending that he date. I would say at least six months. But that does not mean you don’t talk to women an be in their prescence, that most often is positive than not. That being said for some the temptation is too much and it causes them to rush into relationships that they are not ready for causing disaster and lots of hurt, usually not just to himself but to t he other person. If you are trying to use a person to file the void left by addiction or worse to try to fix the addiction, you are not ready. When the addict mentality still shines through as strongly as it does for the OP then one is not ready to date. I cannot speak to you personally but would be happy to try. I think the biggest thing is to develop a solid foundation first, not focus on or rush into sex or sexual contact, being willing to be 100 percent open and honest about your addiction, whether it is in your past or present, and having the ability to consider her feelings and how your addiction could effect her, i. E. Replaces etc, rather than only considering your wants and needs.
You're asking for a rude reply from me at this point. I talked to a professional already. I don't care about your opinion.
I provided the advice of NA which is one year so that’s a professional opinion. And sure you are going to be rude that’s generally how people react when they know what the other person is saying is true but they don’t want to hear it. It seems to me that you posted a question only seeking to have other people validate your actions rather than actually seeking the opinion of others.
I feel sorry for the girl.
The first time is ALWAYS the hardest! That feeling of social awkwardness when you are a still a virgin. It kept me a virgin for YEARS! It was not until my late 20's that i finally figured out what i should be doing... The secret is to JUST DO IT! Like the Nike slogan. Instead of over thinking, just act on your urges and think about later. Go with the flow. When you hesitate she feels your emotions and that makes her nervous too. We are emphatic.
It's all a mental block thats why you don't know what to do. There is a very easy solution some people might think its cheating. But when you are feeling this messed up and anxious then you have to do something drastic to get through it. To loose your virginity so that you can regain some sanity.
1. Personally i think that trying to date someone while you are doing a reboot is going to be super hard. But i understand that everyone is different. I have put my whole dating life on hold while i reboot to avoid issues like this... But anyway in my experience around 64 days works for me. PIED more a less fixed. If you do try to have sex i think its easier to reach climax if she goes down on you. Condoms decrease sensitivity again depends on the person but also it will take a while before you get used to it. Going down is very similar to masturbating the difference been its not you doing it so no harm done, no numbing yourself up.
2. If you are problems with PIED while with the girl then it can be very bad. If you cant reach climax with her then you are going to think about PMO to finish yourself off...
3. Stop watching the porn every time you relapse you reset the counter. Much harder when you are in a relationship because not easy getting a girl to understand everything you are dealing with.