hello nofap world, i'm maria and i've just turned 24. i discovered this community earlier this morning and i'd like to share a little bit about my addiction as in the real world, there isn't anyone i can trust in the way to be able to talk about this. i've started masturbating when i was like 13? gosh. my experience began with reading stories online of people losing their virginities. the more obscene and obscure the story was, no matter how unrealistic in terms of credibility, the more aroused i would get from reading it. even though i'd masturbate a lot, for some weird reason i mostly felt guilt and restrain from reaching the big O back then... only because i shared my home computer with my mum, curiosity didn't lead to watching videos of straight up pornographic material right away. although, a year or so later i was watching porn every couple of days, if not each day. over the last couple of years of secondary school i experienced first symptoms of what was later diagnosed as depression and BPI (borderline personality disorder). even though i had a boyfriend which i had regular sex with, due to the massive build up of deeply unrealistic and quite shameful (i thought) expectations for a 19 yo girl, i couldn't reach the O whilst with him, so went straight back to watching even weirder and more extreme porn on a regular basis. after being diagnosed with a mental health disorder just after turning 20, i was put on strong antidepressants and experimental drug originally designed for treating epilepsy to stop me from having panic attacks. all of which eventually lead to inability to reach the O even through hours of playing with myself. this discovery, PMO being one of the main ways of escaping the constant state of numbness the antidepressants put me in, left me distraught. eventually, i stopped taking my medication (also taking a risk of spiralling back into my suicidal lows), only to be able to MO again. desperation and unwillingness to talk to anyone about my mental health after discontinuing the medical treatment, lead to obsessive seek for a variety of sexual partners (also an affect of low self esteem and seek for validation) and failing that, everyday consumption of increasingly more and more pornographic material. now, almost five years in, i think i might be strong enough to take my own initiative to make a change in my life. being a very important factor (imho) to a good relationship, i want sex with a partner to be what it should be. i want to make strong connections and stop lying to the guy i'm seeing that i don't care for climaxing, i just enjoy the process (whereas in reality i'm just incapable to concentrate or commit to the real intensity of having actual sex with an actual human). all in all, i'm sick and tired of myself being this way. even though i realise that i need to seek help on more general basis and my issues won't simply disappear with a rediscovery or normalisation of my sexuality, but i think it can be a solid contribution to the general wellbeing. wish me luck, dear fapstronauts ! !1
Welcome to nofap. Thank you for join a big supportive community. I hope you can find what you want here. I'm a newbie too and today is my 16 day of strike. I recommend you to get your own pmo counter Take care Maria
As somebody who has suffered from serious psychological illnesses in the past, I can say the following: 1. Fixing everything the disease did to you takes many years. Take it easy, don't be impatient 2. Do not hate yourself for having had a psychological illness that devastated certain aspects of your life. Love yourself for fighting it and recovering On a separate note: It is completely OK if you do not achieve orgasm just from penetration. Many women need, in addition to penetration, external stimulation (with finger, tongue, hitachi magic wand, whatever) to achieve orgasm. That is totally OK and your partner should be OK with doing that for you.
Welcome to the forum. It doesn't matter if you're male or female, when we are in pain the brain will search out anything to make itself feel better. Addicts use objects or events to alter, medicate, sooth, numb, or escape from negative emotions. It can be something as simple as boredom or loneliness, childhood trauma, or to medicate an underlying mental health issue such as depression and anxiety. The brain chemicals we release during PMO are so powerful that they change the shape of the brain. Dopamine gets released while we are watching porn and that gives us a jolt of excitement which is what depressed people like. Opioid-like chemicals get released when we orgasm and that gives us a feeling of calmness which people with anxiety disorders like. Our addiction absorbs whatever other mental issues we are facing and that shows up in the genres of porn we watch and the sexual actions we take with others. We also become desensitized to the kind of porn we commonly watch and seek out porn more frequently or more stimulating forms of porn. We end up seeing and doing things we never thought possible. The 'Women' folder contains the journals of other women like yourself that are going through the same issues you are. You can either read them or start a journal for yourself. This addiction also harms any relationship we might be in... you can post relationship questions in the 'Relationship' folder. I hope you find the resources you need to overcome this problem.
happyintherain, bicycleman and i_wanna_get_better1, thank you for your replies. i have now started the counter thing and a journal too! i am not entirely and fully in touch with my own struggles, so it might be a bit of a patchy guesswork trying to keep up with it, but i'm feeling relatively positive. thanks for information, helpfulness and support you all.
I am also 24. Read your story which is quite sadistic! You suffered and traveled a long distance. No issues! You are here that means it would yield something good. Still in our surrounding, many are wandering with their addictions and in fact they vindicate it right coz they don't know the solution. I wish you best of Luck from my side. And remember some rules that keep writing your journal here. Write whatever tempts you,feels you good or annoy you. Just write that here. And follow some Fapstronauts with big counters. It would give you a sense of Competition. Also,use one alphabet 'P' , 'M' ,'O' for the full word they stand for. It means that you wanna eradicate everything from the grass root level. Rest you decide of your own whatever you find productive. All the Best
