Married and Just started this NoFap need your support

From what I’ve heard we have something called a “strange mental blind spot” it’s a phenomena with addicts and how our brains operate. We seem to be able to forget the excruciating emotional pain form even a few days/weeks ago. This is in part why we relapse sometimes. In normal people, this doesn’t happen.

It’s like we reached our hand into the fire and got burned but continue to reach into the fire. Normal people say “that was painful never again!” But for us we say that and forget about it and go back for more... agai and again...

So don’t beat yourself up that your last relapse and the pain it caused you is fading and not keeping you motivated to stay sober, this is normal.

The trick is to be doing the hard (yet simple) work others are doing to stay sober, so when there are cravings or you see pretty girls or your having a horrible day, you don’t convince yourself to relapse, because you will have the tools to stay sober through those moments. But if you don’t do the work people mention, then you will be without a defense against the urges...

It’s like going to war without a gun, or playing in the NBA even though you never practiced basketball before. You need to practice these new healthy skills daily in order to be good at them and be able to use them when the times get tough. Otherwise we will fall back into old patterns and relapse happens.

Over time, if we put the work in, and we don’t give in to the urges. They go away slowly and we can start to live life more balanced.

Hang in there!!

 

You’re welcome! I’m learning every day how to better overcome this addiction.

I’ve actuslly found that if I focus on the healthy daily routine every morning (and when needed doing a bit more throughout the day) over time the cravings aren’t there anymore so I don’t have to fight them. For example, every day i wake up, journal with pen and paper for 10-15 minutes, practice rigorous self honesty (I don’t lie to myself at all! And with journaling try to uncover the truth that is generally covered up by a few lies.), meditate 10 minutes, pray (as best I can basically think of how grateful I am for things), exercise (cardio and calisthenics), then shower and eat breakfast. This usually takes about 1.5 hours to complete, and I’m ok Afterwards.

Then if something horrible happens during the day and I get emotional, I journal more, until I get through the moment, usually 5-6 pages of writing and lots of tears. Then I talk about my feelings with someone in my life and I get through the hard times also.

It’s not that complex, it just takes doing it every day even when you feel ok, because it’s training you to be ready to do these things when the pain comes. Cuz it will, and when it does we must be ready.

EDIT: I was thinking...the reason I do all of this wand why I believe journaling ha sreally helped me in recovery from PMO addiction, is because when I have a feeling it negstice thought it is trapped in my head, and builds and becomes bigger and crazier and more overwhelming. But if I write it down, it forces me to slow down, organize my thoughts, get it out of my head and onto paper. This brings me clarity.

The clarity isn’t always a happy beautiful thing. Sometimes the clarity is “you actually are suicidal due to the guilt and shame of your PMO addiction, so it’s time to tell your therapist everything” this type of clarity gives birth to the willingness and self honesty necessary to tackle the biggest issues we face inside ourselves.

And For my suicidal thought example surrounding guilt, (which is true) I talked it over with my therapist and told her all the sick details (reminded I only got that willingness and clarity through journaling), I had some type of breakthrough where I wasn’t alone with these thoughts, and I was able to break the cycle of my insane guilt feedback loop thoughts that were causing my depression. And now I would say I haven’t been depressed for about nearly a week, since then, and before I was depressed every day all day.

So it just shows the power of looking inward with journaling to uncover the truth of what needs to be done so we don’t ignore it and try to solve our problems alone...

 

Listen to "your brain on porn" by Gary Wilson, he has studies and statistics based on the majority of smaples of guys about the average period needed to be porn free to see amazing results, it's 3-5 months maybe more maybe less but as a starting point go for 90 days. the more you go the nice rewire you'll get in your brain. If u want a rock hard erection that can be achieved in seconds by your wife and successful sex at the moment of being horny >> no porn forever. and you'll notice this after 90 days.

 

porn should be avoided forever. for an erection to come back. you need 3-5 more or less as I said for your nerves and veins to be fully regenerated which will work instantly by touching your wife. once u add porn, everything will be damaged. I know lot of guys who they get 100% erection on porn and 0% erection with a partner! Nerves needs to be regenerated and brain to be rewired cause it's wired in wrong way "viewing a screen" and touching your penis

 

I understand, sometimes everyone is overhorney and prefer porn since it's easier to access than a real person. either if they travel or if their wives don't want sex at your moment. No one denies porn has a different taste that sometimes cannot be found in real sex. If Porn doesn't damage real sex, we don't have threads here! Beside the need/addiction of porn, The problem with it is that you can't stay on one type, you go up to extreme types of porn. I would be single for ever haha

I'm single, I'm thinking in if I'm in your situation, What if I quit porn and I'm fully recovered,

would I have sex with other person (not my wife) to maintain my drive with my wife

or

watching porn to not cheating on her! but I would have trouble to get it up, this is hard too.

I would say no porn no matter what the result is. Good Luck

 

Masturbate on your wife image.instead of porn.this is not Masturbation.this is like normal sex process
You can't be married and have problems

 

Rough situation. You need to reinvigorate your sex life with your wife. Chances are you are doing the same thing. Women are like a slowburn. You gotta warm, them up, excite them. Experiment with sexual stuff, you can buy toys, outfits, different positions, different tempo's, quickies, longer sessions, more build up, and probably some naughty stuff, slap her ass (firmly obviously don't beat her).

How to initate that? fuck knows. Sit her down and say "babe, I really want us both to enjoy sex again, you're beautiful and I want to feel em sugar waaaaaallls" maybe leave out that last bit haha, but you gotta do something brother or things will only get worse.

In regards to PMO, maybe you could start by removing the porn. Only masty say while thinking of your wife, could once intimacy is rebuilt with your wife try phone sex and shit. Fuck knows. Good luck.

 

Congrats for reaching out and working through this. I'm married as well with some of the same issues and story. Haven't yet started the process of getting off this wagon. The problem is it's all interwoven with a long distance relationship with another woman who shares all that fun and excitement with me. So I'm considering a 90 Day Reset at the same time as I cut off this relationship (which all pretty much sounds like hell), but I believe it would be a way of resetting and reengaging with my wife.

Keep being brutally honest with yourself and working through this one step at a time. Congratulations on your progress this far.

 

I'm sorry to hear that. You have a very challenging situation if you both do indeed have very different levels of sexual interest. There needs to be some compromise and attempt to accommodate one another in every relationship. Have you discussed the issue of sex and your differing levels of desire with your wife? Given her dislike of your masturbation / porn habit (is it both that she dislikes or just the porn bit), you are in a difficult situation. The ideal situation would be for sex between you and your wife to increase as she knows you have kicked the porn habit; I can understand a woman being unsure about sex with a partner who watches a lot of porn.

 

I was in a situation nearly identical to yours and hopefully you can learn from my mistakes. I used to love sex with my wife and my job required me to work 60+ hours a week not including long commutes. When I traveled my laptop was filled to the brim with porn also. After our second son, my wife became less interested in sex and I always felt like I was practically begging. What I didn't realize was her feelings and was focusing purely on my sexual desires.
1) She wasn't much less confident because she had trouble losing the pregnancy weight. She wasn't overly obese but her because of her c-section she had lost a lot of her muscle in her core. She tried exercising but her hormones were out of whack while nursing.
2) She was exhausted with caring for two children and other responsibilities. I would come home exhausted and we rarely went out. We only had date night two or three times a year if that.
3) I wasn't as attentive and started getting distant because of my porn addiction and my work problems. Money was tight and was the center of many of our arguments. I rarely romanced her and our relationship became repetitive netflix after dinner.
4) I didn't do much to help her self-esteem and usually hurt because of my porn addiction. She had caught me once using porn alone and it hurt her even more. I had porn induced delayed ejaculation problems where I could last 20 to 60 minutes. This frustrated her and she would give up at times with tears. Eventually she introduced porn into the bedroom and although I knew it was a bad idea my addiction took over. Now imagine how horrible she felt when I couldn't last more than 5 minutes with porn turned on. This was what hurt the most.

Now I'm divorced can see my sons a few days a month and despite making a good six figure salary I can barely make ends meet because of alimony and child support.
I realized her issues after the divorce and only after doing nofap did I start putting the things together. People talk about "brain-fog" when stopping porn but I feel porn turns off a lot of emotions and turns some people people into robots with sex on their minds at all times.

My advice:
1) Make her feel sexy and beautiful if you really love her. Give compliments and be sincere not just as a means to getting sex (women can tell).
2) Help out more around the house so she can have the energy. Although not my favorite approach a little goes a long way. Put the dishes in the dishwasher or vacuum a single room.
3) On days that you are traveling, rather than turning to porn use skype/viber etc to video chat before bed. Be present in their lives even if your psychically in the same house.
4) Take it slow, there may be a good reason why she isn't interested in sex after her 2nd daughter. Maybe she is afraid of getting pregnant again ... maybe she is still recovering from the second birth and is going through hormonal changes. Communication is key and ignoring the problem and using porn to satisfy your urges is dangerous. Don't follow my path, it is a painful and lonely one.

 

I agree: the more you're P-addicted, the less she'll be "into" S. I speak from experience. This typa addiction was the undoing of my own marriage.

All this is likely mostly an intuitive question/reaction and has little to do with your degree of secrecy. (As an aside: if you told her, her feelings would be confirmed, but her heart may be even more alarmed by having knowledge of your addiction in ways that she likely feels powerless to address. I went through a similar thing in my former marriage and it was very dramatic. Though honesty is definitely the foundation for trust, too much threatening info at once can cause serious overload, imo. Perhaps you can ask, or read, some of the women spouses of Fapstronauts on this site.)

Many of us complain about loneliness, but that seems part of a natural withdrawal. We need to think of it as an opportunity -- to place into our lives healthy content that warms our heart. Fear of failure may also be another addiction-self-defense mechanism we need to get past.

In sum: all stands or falls with cleaning up our inner act by the success of our REBOOT. Nobody else can do that for you, but we can do it with you. Many things love-life-related will clear themselves up by your severing the ties to the mischief of your right hand and, especially, to all that depraved lovelessness on the screen. If you do that for a few weeks you'll likely feel yourself be emotionally and physically motivated and available again for your spouse.

That, she'll likely feel, and perhaps over time trust enough to want to respond to.

Best of success!

 

nice brother! Seriously honesty is the best solution. And thus I must say don't allow that to be an excuse to permanently masturbate because personally I found MO can lead me back to porn.

You're in a routine eh? like I assume you work hard days away from work? You get back to hotel and then the urges come? I would suggest changing the situation so you avoid the thoughts themselves. Thus don't need to stay strong against the thoughts to wank and so stay strong in spite off. Like perhaps when you come home and you have an hour to kill, instead of browsing on your laptop, phone. Try reading, learn a language? (get smarter instead of fapping!)

I lived out of my car for a while. coincidentally I was fapping and before i knew it I'd gone 10 days with only thinking about wanking once. A new situation kept the "urges" away.

Anyway, let me know how the situation went? Did you go back and have a good fun time with your wife!