Marrying the Man of my life

Welcome!

This is a good place to start but I do have a question why wouldn’t you tell him?

Second question why not be open and honest with kindness and give him the opportunity to understand and help you especially before you are married for your marriage?

 

It's great that you're here @StrongMind7 !
It takes strength to admit to yourself that you have a problem and it's good that you're talking about it.

I agree with @Jennica
I'm a SO to a PA and It's been a little over a year since he told me about his addiction. It's been hard for me, but I've never felt that things would have been better if he had kept it a secret. I absolutely and unequivocally believe that honesty is the best policy in every relationship. Otherwise, the lie leaves no room for real connection and intimacy.

One crucial thing I've learned is that addiction thrives in secrecy.
I can't claim that it would be impossible to recover without telling your fiancé, but I assure you, It would be extremely unlikely. Keeping a secret like that could also fuel your GAD.

Maybe you could reconsider telling your fiancé once you're ready?

 

I have been dealing with this addiction for over 10 years. There is no secret or magic wand that I know of to break it but with support and hard work it can be done.

For me, today will be 75 days clean and if any help here is what I feel is different this time from the thousands of relapses I have had over the years.

First, I now have support, not just this website but an actual person. For so many years I hid this addiction but after having someone to confide in and share this addiction with, my streaks started to get much longer. There are meetings and support groups all over the world, unfortunately I never lived close enough to attend. I would have loved that luxury. Despite missing out, having that one person to support me and communicate with on a daily basis has been a huge reason for my success. There cannot be an excuse with this, whether a meeting, counselor, friend, accountability partner, whoever it is, an addict needs to be loved and supported to break free from this addiction.

Second, it is important to know your enemy as much as possible. Know what makes you fail, know about the stages of recovery, know about how it effects your brain, the withdrawal symptoms, and know your triggers. You may have this down, but if not the more you know what is going on with you the better. Reason is the recovery process does have a physical toll like mood swings and brain fog, and being extra emotional, all which will make it hard for you. However, knowing what to expect helps.

Lastly, do not compromise with borderline material or things that are triggers for you. In other words get rid of everything that has the potential to make you relapse. Do not go places or get into things that you know will lead down the path of a relapse. An example is I have fetishes that can be triggered by shopping online or certain day to day places. I so far have wanted to, but have refused to put myself in that position because I know it may be harmless, but it also is my weakness to relapse. It has nothing to do with porn, but on he other hand it has everything to do with porn because it is the bait that can potentially lead me back to it. In other words it is best for the fish to not even be around the fishermen, even if it thinks there will be no harm looking at the worms on the hooks but not taking a bite. There needs to be a no compromise approach with this addiction to succeed.

Hope this helps my friend. Do not give up and keep coming back. Best of luck to you. We all deserve better, and all can do this.

 

He’s hurt . Give him space , but not too much . Don’t get defensive. Tell him all your plans to get and stay PMO free . It is a form of cheating in a lot of our eyes . Be empathetic , think how you would feel and if you love him and truly want to be with him forever, let him feel what he’s feeling . DO NOT GO USE . That’s just medicating

 

Please listen to me , this is what you are feeling in the moment ! I’ve been there . Laying in a tub heavily medicated on DDAY . Your thoughts of madness . You’ll have irrational thoughts for awhile but they will pass . I implore you to get a counselor /therapist/friend you can talk to IRL . You need support and a healthy way to deal with your shame and guilt . Someone will take you in I’m sure , find that friend <3

 

There is a hole in our soul,
Yours is extra large today.

Takes a while to untangle these hidden things about ourselves.

Hopefully you can see something good in this, that you can ground yourself in recovery and so when you next find someone you have the emotional tools to understand yourself and them even more.

Good you post and
take action on your own behalf.