My husband of 13 years is an addict and I just want to run!!!

Welcome to the site MandyC.

You are definitely not alone. There is a support group for significant others of porn addicts. You may want to consider joining. It's very active in providing understanding and support to those who are dealing with this kind of pain.

I know you have suffered a significant shock. Now everything seems like it's broken. If we can provide any answers to questions you might have, please feel free to ask. While we won't seek to create excuses for your husband, we can provide insights as to what may be going on in his mind and the struggles he faces.

As you seek to process this, ask anything. We have been through it all, and you will find that nothing will be held back from you or treated with judgment when you discuss (even what you would consider to intimate to discuss prior to this happening)

Obviously we can't fix it, nor can we tell you what is appropriate to do. Just know that you are no longer alone.

I would advise that since this sounds like a very recent discovery (perhaps today), you will need to secure an immediate safe place where you can process this. If it all possible, perhaps seek to be with family, or friends, so you aren't alone, but ones that will leave you to cope, and not try to 'fix it' by telling you what to do. Give yourself a chance to keep breathing, and let the shock pass. Your discovery destroyed your entire perception of your whole life and your goals. You need to let that pass for a moment, and see that life is still going on, and that tomorrow won't be substantially different than yesterday, so that you can start to make ideas of action to take to address the actual issue. (Prioritize yourself, but do try at least for the moment, to not let this spill over onto the kids)

(PS: you will find many others here that have had lives uprooted by partners with porn addictions or sexual misconduct. While I myself have been a long term porn user going through a reboot, I am also in process of divorce (and discovered my ex-wife of 17 years was cheating on me my entire marriage))

 

Hi ManyC, sorry to hear about this. It may not seem like it now, but things will get better. You don't have to make any rush decisions and can take all the time you need to figure things out. Your husband has a long, hard road ahead of him if he decides to accept his addiction and try to deal with. He has an even harder road if he doesn't. He may or may not have the opportunity to get clean to save his marriage, but he should get clean of this addiction at the very least so that he can have a healthy relationship with his children. The addiction effects every relationship he has and he cannot be the best father he can be when he is in the grip of the addiction. Has he admitted to the full reality of his problem? Have you shown him this site or the "your brain on porn" movie?

 

I echo what @PostiveChange1974 and @Carbon Icon have shared above.
@MandyC, you must understand that you can only encourage your and stand by him through this, if you choose. You cannot fix or heal him. He must admit the problem and he must want to be healed.

Many men have joined NoFap through ultimatums from wives and girlfriends but only you know if that strategy will bear good fruit. This has to be his journey.

We will answer questions and offer whatever support we can.

 

Judging from you said I don't even think you want to "fix" your marriage. It's fine that you don't want to take responsibility for your husband's actions, but it's just downright selfish that you want to end you're relationship before even trying to come up with a solution. Wouldn't you want some kind of support if you were in his shoes? The first step that you should take is that you talk to your husband and tell him how you feel about his habit and not judge him for it. After that you should refer to something that shows him the effects of long term porn use. Eventually, introduce sex in the bedroom when you see that he's making progress. Finally, send me a check for my solid advice when everything works out.

 

^
Dude seriously- you're a teenager. Run along and play, the adults are talking. You are in no position to give this grown woman advice about how she should proceed in her relationship.
MandyC- I fully understand your feelings of betrayal and confusion right now. It really does feel like someone has pulled the rug out from under you and it leaves you disoriented. With such a big, ongoing lie comes out in a long term relationship, it makes you question everything. I find I will go back to signifacant times in the relationship and wonder what level the porn use was at at those certain times.
I would echo what other have already stated. If he is willing to address and acknowledge the issue as a serious addiction, then there is hope. If not, there is not much you can do and you need to draw the lines and boundaries for yourself. The SO support forum is wonderful for getting info and support from people who have been there. @ILoathePwife can add you

 

Thanks @fuzzywaz, she just joined yesterday. @MandyC I'm so sorry you're in this position but I'm glad you've found nofap. The good news is twofold. 1. There are a lot of supportive, helpful people here. I have received some great support from both SOs and PMO addicts alike here at nofap. 2. When ignorant people comment there is a report function, which has been put to good use this morning.

 

You really are a piece of work @fuzzywaz? Why do you have to be so condescending to @Jewels offering some words of advice? Even if the advice is poor, the OP can read it and move on. But JFC, to say to someone almost twenty years old: "Dude seriously - you're a teenager. Run along and play, the adults are talking", that is so fucking patronising!

But as you are comfortable with criticising others' contributions, let me tell you that your own contribution sucks big time!

How can you "fully understand" the feelings of betrayal and confusion experienced by another person. From your own lived experience, you can relate to them, identify with them or say her situation reminds you of what you went through. But you feel entitled to criticise others severely and come out with vacant platitudes: "I fully understand your feelings". Oh really?

 

Hey, everyone, this is a thread where @MandyC is introducing herself. This is not the place to get into a debate about who should or shouldn't give advice, or how advice should be given. If I were in her shoes I'd be angry that my thread had been hijacked.

Whatever else has gone wrong here the moderation team will be reviewing in due time and diligence. Until we've sorted things out here, continuing the disagreements you have in this thread is simply off-topic and such posts may be subject to removal and warnings.

Please, give @MandyC the courtesy of a good welcome to NoFap

 

I don't like posting on SO's journals, as it feels intrusive, but I will only say this: your husband (nor your relationship) is not defined by this addiction. The man you fell in love with and married and had children with is still there. Hopefully, he'll have the strength to show you this.

I wish you much luck on your journey.

Peace.

 

This is almost certainly the case. Most addictions are an attempt to cover up painful or unwanted feelings and emotions. Lack of authentic connection growing up is often involved.
For this reason he deserves compassion, but it doesn't mean that it's your responsibility to heal him, he has to do that work himself, but could surely use support.

In think addicts will avoid opening up or dealing with the full extent of the issue as long as possible, particularly if they think there is an opportunity to just ride out the uncomfortable conversation and get back to their "normal" addictive behavior. I would suggest that if you are going to stay with this person, you have to establish very clear boundaries... what is and is not acceptable behavior moving forward. Marriages are essentially a deal, so if using Porn and/or lying about it is a deal breaker then it's get better or get out.

 

Very true. It's taken time for my husband to get there but he now acknowledges that the way he grew up (anger was never allowed, sadness only in situations like a funeral, and even then, keep it reined in) shaped him and his inability to Identify or talk about his emotions or handle my emotions. For us, FANOS (link in my signature) was a great help with this. He literally needed practice and promoting to discuss his emotions. Looking at a list of emotion words was helpful when he didn't know how to identify his feelings.

Yes. All this.

 

a lot of the advice from the other SO's and Positive Change are really great so I won't chime in. I just wanna wish you luck on your road to recovery because even though this his issue and his battle, you still have a road to recover from all this new information. I'm sure you feel like you've lived a lie and you think back to days and realize there were things happening that you just were not aware of and it sucks. I've been there.. you need to do what's best for you but at the same time you should wait until your emotions have come down because any time I am angry with my husband for what he is done I want to run out the door, but as time passes by I see his efforts in making our marriage better and I realize I need to slow down and think clearly. So, good luck. Check out the SO group =] you'll get a lot of helping hands there.

 

Welcome to the site @MandyC.

 

Hi Mandy C and everybody els.
I am new here and I have little to no knowledge.

Mandy I'd just like to say:
Although your Husband may be watching some nasty, disturbing things. That doesn't make him a bad person.

You'd be surprised just how many men are watching hardcore porn every single night and still volunteering in the community to make the world a better place.

This doesn't excuse the pain he has caused you. But please don't assume everything you know about him is a lie, just because this additiction was hidden from you.

I dare said he kept it hidden for so long because, he is ashamed. Feeling shame proves he thinks its wrong.
Don't we all want to avoid doing what we think is the wrong thing?

There is still hope for him and you're marriage