My Journey to the Promised Land

I am starting this Journal here just to show myself and hopefully everyone else the workings of God in my life.
How He is taking me from the wilderness into the promised land. From this addiction to freedom. From Egypt out of slavery. This is going to be quite a story so don't be hasty. You can finish the story on your own time if you enjoy it. Really it's just for me to put it out there somewhere instead of holding it in. So get some snacks and get reading.

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I don't remember the first time I saw pron, but I know was very young probably 8 or 9.
I knew when I saw it that something was off, that this wasn't something I should be seeing. I found a DVD that my brother had hidden in his stuff. I didn't need to put it on a DVD player to see the images. On the upside of the DVD were pictures of hardcore pron. My innocent little mind was destroyed and I was exposed to this destructive sin.

My memory about my past is blurry, but I can remember from then on instances where I came across various types of pron over the years. My brother worked at a tech shop in the city and he brought home a computer for me once, we never had the internet back then so it was okay, but I quickly learned how to use the technology since I was a smart kid. I was maybe 12 when I got my first phone although it was a keypad phone it had internet. First, I used it to download countless amounts of games on it, till I got interested in the xxx sites with them 4 min clips.

Over the years I kept watching and started msatruabintg and it was a well-kept secret until, well till now. My family never found out and since I was never caught out it kept going. I didn't know how much damage it was doing to me at the time nobody really told me anything. I only thought it was wrong because I was under 18 at the time.

Over the years I have seen many types of scenes and those things were imprinted into my head. Over a decade of videos and pictures. When I got to high school I dated girls just to have xxx with them seeking those fantasies. I would get into relationships that were purely based on my lust, even with girls I wasn't that attracted to or had any feelings for.

That's until I met Angel. The only one girl I ever truly loved. We met on social back in 2016. We texted, called each other, and became a couple even before we met. When we did meet, and we turned out to be who we said we were, things became officially official. Keep in mind that I wasn't planning to fall in love with her. She was beautiful and I wanted to have xxx with the most beautiful girl. She was younger than me. Way younger. The ''get you in jail'' younger, but I didn't know at the time. Our relationship toke off, we were traveling to see each other since we had a distance thing going on, and we did it every time we got together. The distance made it easier for me to keep my playboy lifestyle and cheated on her many times.
I grew up in a household where alcohol was abused by both my parents and my dad cheated on my mom too, when she would confront him they would fight. Seeing the man that I love hit the woman that he claimed to love messed up my whole view of the concept. I was young at the time and not being able to protect her has caused childhood trauma and left insecurities in me that I still struggle with today.

Angel was heartbroken when she found out and I felt really bad I saw myself turning into my dad, after swearing never to become like him. I begged for her forgiveness and she forgave me. I swore to never cheat on her again and didn't.
I graduated high school and went off to university and the whole time I thought she was just two years younger than I was. She would graduate and we would soon be together moving and all that stuff. We talked a lot on the phone and I think we both fell in love with what we thought we could become. We were not totally honest with each other on many other things, and we were both smoking weed at the time as well.

When we started to get serious truths started coming up, she confessed she was 15 and I was 21 at the time. I was fooled this whole time because she was mature for her age and she didn't look very young. I don't look my age either so I thought we could keep the relationship a secret till she was at least 16. Stupid, I know but I thought I really loved this girl. One day out of the blue I get a text from Angel telling me to stay away from her unless I was a Christian. Her parents were born-again Christians and I think she also surrendered her life to Christ that particular night. I was mad at first caught off guard thinking she was breaking up with me, I felt betrayed, and cheated on and I remembered what I had done to her. I took some time to process the message and saw with whom she was cheating on me. Jesus. She was gone leave me for Jesus. A perfect guy and a God and I could do nothing. I was losing the girl I loved to the God I had forgotten all about. Sadly I texted back and said of course I'm Christian, baptized and confirmed at our local church. I just have wandered off from faith. We both agreed to bring God back into our lives and I think that's where everything changed. My life was going to become the world's worst rollercoaster ride from then on.

to be continued...