My Last Commitment : Choose My Fate Or Die

Here's my story.
On my 18th birthday I logged in Nofap, it's almost 2 years since then but I'm still trapped, severely addicted with pornographic movies on the Internet, sustaining various chronic diseases all over my body.

I had several of my leg ligaments torn in running training about half a year ago. Thanks to incessant uncontrollable masturbation I make a very slow recovery. Before I was injured I could keep health narrowly by running and playing basketball. However currently I cannot do any exercise or the torn part of my leg will hurt dully, so helplessly I've witnessed my health collapsed like an avalanche.

I've gained 20 lbs in the last 2 years because of lacking of exercise. I got poor grades in my university due to procrastination and a quite slow brain. The contours of my face seems ugly, distorted and strange in the mirror... I feel I'm just a fat gross lousy poor prisoner who can never get free.

I've been trying to ride it out, I've tried almost every method in the world except for castrating myself.

I tried in vain, my longest streak was only 8 days, which happened 1 year ago. Now I fap 4 times every week no matter what happens. It's more like a rite that needs to be finished by some formidable power...It's like an endless loop:I relapsed, I hated myself but soon I gritted and swore that " this time I will make it", days after I failed almost out of question and swore with less determination again...

In the beginning of this June I swore that I should go all out to break this vicious circle of my life. I'm nearly 20 years old and it's my last chance to give an end to this bad experience of my puberty. What I need is only a streak of one month or longer to save my messed life.

I locked my mobile phone (through which I watch P, I can hardly masturbate without P )in my drawer, paid everything in cash instead of phone, informed my close friends that I had to disappear for some time because of exams. Things went well until the night of 3 days after I thought I'd achieved a milestone and subconsciously unlocked the drawer for no reason. I relapsed. The following days there came the binge...

Then I asked my roommate to keep my phone for a month, I emphasized whatsoever I said to him he shouldn't give it back to me before the deadline. However I've underestimated the potential of myself when I'm horny: I began to watch it on my surface pro while hiding it under my quilt!

To make matters worse, I got scratched by a wild cat the other day and had to be given some injections of rabies vaccine. The problem was I couldn't go to the hospital 10 kilometers away from my university without my mobile phone, so the devil returns to me. Although the doctor has advised me to take good rest after the injection because of the side effects might be severe, I masturbated a few hours ago.

I know sometimes it's only yourself that can be your savior, so I' m starting a 10 days challenge for myself, which would be a breakthrough for me if I make it, and I'd be very glad if anyone wants to be in. Anyway, I WANT TO BE FREE.

Maybe I'm not able to fight this battle all alone, I need your guys' advice. Is it because I'm way too coward or stupid to get free? What should I do if I have to keep necessary contact with people and study with my computer while I may watch P through them? How can I control my behavior better?

God's peace.

 

Thank you for your encouragement Jest, I'm very moved and inspired. Now I know that the best way to get rid of the addiction is to focus on something else: the reality of life, and in my case it's my study in the university. The trick of this game is focusing on life while being on alert all the time. I'll get through the rigorous test and become stronger.
Thanks again and good luck to you too.

 

Got it
And I loooove your eating analogy, It's quite smart, I'll bear it in mind

 

Thanks a lot.
Don't worry about me I'm not going to commit suicide, how can I give up living when I'm so young? I know the real me inside never wanna die. Choose my fate or die is only to remind myself that I'm not going to tarry and mourn for myself even though I'm temporarily haunted by so many tough problems. I Do Not accept this ill fate.

Uh...Going to the church may be a little off the wall for me because I'm not a Christian at all and there're few religious places in the town. As a substitute I give myself positive autosuggestion everyday, I'm easy to be influenced by self-suggestion, hopefully it'll work well on me. I think Heaven helps those who help themselves if it does exist.

As for hobbies, I've been playing the guitar for several years. When I play the guitar I feel pure and blessed. But P addiction ruined my health so that I couldn't persist in practicing it everyday. It frustrated me that I've made so little progress in my guitar skill. I wanna be a great amateur guitarist and song-writer, I know it will never come true unless I get rid of my addiction.

 

Today I feel the urge occurs as expected. It keeps distracting me while I'm reviewing books, but I also feel my sobriety stronger than the urge. I realize that if I want I can control myself with will power and proper strategies that prevent me from various omnipresent triggers. Besides, the afterimages of P movies and pics still hide in my brain and are to be cleared. So it's a long winding way to the top, and I'll surrender by NO means.
Btw, though it's sometimes hard for me to find the exact word to describe my situation in English since it's not my mother tongue, I'll be stick to posting here to chronicle the course of my recovery.

 

It's about 4 a.m. as I type these words in the darkness of the room. Soon will there come the dawn and frogs outside in the bushes are croaking annoyingly like mad. I suffered from addiction-induced insomnia and anxiety for a few hours and can hardly sleep. It also makes me a little anxious that I have to take an exam in the afternoon so some reviews need to be done since I've been fooling around for the whole semester for my addiction.
Well, it's another test besides the ones I'm taking in reality.
I will get thru' it!
God be with me.
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Tons of urges, faces in P movies appear in my head every few minutes!!!
Go awayyyyyyyyyyy!!!
I'll make it even though I'm so fatigued for lack of sleep last night.
Clancy is no coward.

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The night of the 3rd day.

The urge became more furious than last night, It's very common for me to give in at this very point. I'm struggling with it and going all out to prevent my brain from sinking into that old "autopilot" mode. The struggle is real and suffocating, it even brought me some strange illusions momentarily. I'm a real P junkie. This has to be changed.

For twice I even gave in before the temptation for a second and decided to pick up my phone to watch P, but immediately did I come back to my senses. The struggle is real.

I've been combating against this addiction for 5 years or more. I SAID it's my last battle and I'll bring this war to an end with me being the winner.

It's very hard in the beginning though, when I make it of about 30 days it'll be much easier, it's the truth. I'm no fool, I'll carry on through solitude and pain.

I WILL NEVER SURRENDER !
I WILL TURN THE PAGE OF MY LIFE !
I WILL SHOW THE WORLD WHAT THIS YOUNG MAN IS WORTH !

 

The morning of the 4th day.

Thank God the annoying urge seems to fade away today, I got up early in the morning without feeling sleepy. My mind is as clear as a forest lake. It's an inspiring sign which possibly means I have already rewired part of my brain through my perseverance.

"I have promises to keep/ and miles to go before I sleep"

I'll be vigilant all the time though it seems to be a little easier now. I know it's perilous to be off my vigilance anytime, and pride always leads to self-destruction. I need to focus more on the real life, that's the most effective way to get rid of any addiction, while trying to struggle with the temptation is a relatively subsidiary method.

I'll take the hold of my own future. I'm on my way to get free.

God's peace.

 

Well as you can see, I went back to where I began. Though I kept giving my self-suggestion and some self-created "mantras", I relapsed for 5 times last week and also suffered a mental collapse due to my relationship with some female friends. Now I'm convinced that without this community I cannot overcome my problem all alone.

Last month I did make some progress: I had at least two streaks of 4.5 days, and I couldn't believe the fact that the torn parts of my leg seemed to get well quickly day by day after those streaks. -- I even went to the seashore for a journey with my roommates. But unfortunately the subsequent binges had me hit the bottom. I thought I could do without this forum, I was so wrong. So now I'm back here to chronicle my days once again.

Here I'd like to state my current strategies concisely.

0. Goal: 7 days (July 16th to July 22nd)

1. Lead and enjoy a real intact normal life with all my youthful enthusiasm and exuberance.

2. Whenever I feel the danger of the urge I'd enjoy my life harder.

I'm not going to hype up all this unto myself, I'm just telling myself the significance of the struggle. I'm rebooting my brain and reshaping my character, and no one can stop me doing this.

I can feel the days of my suffering is just about to be over. I'm not swearing 'cause the swearers are prone to hypnotize themselves with their own oaths. I'll just get what needs to be accomplished done, that's what a real man should do.

Peace.

 

Day 0

Today I noticed the increasing deterioration of my memory by realizing I even forget Megadeth (one of my favorite thrash metal band)'s front man's last name. I'm scared by the fact because I'm an absolute metal-head and this kind of ignorance is intolerable. Maybe it's because I failed last night with little ejection and much torment. Now it seems to me like an obsessive compulsive disorder because I'm fully aware of my extreme reluctance to self-abuse while I cannot help but doing it repetitively. It's all about habit, about the ingrained vile behavior mode in my brain and it's a formidable task to erase and rewrite the mode.

I know there're so many fapstronaut brothers here on Nofap who have accomplished their goals. All of you are rather admirable. Jesus, when I think of this I have an urge to cry out: why can't I join your glorious parade towards victory? why??? I don't want to live this pathetic life!

Good news is I picked up my German this afternoon (It's been about one year since I learned German) to see how gifted I am in learning a new language, and to my delight the joy of obtaining knowledge caressed me like an old lost friend when I was studying. It's the real pleasure of life, isn't it?

Additionally I read and transcribed some poems of the 9th century of which the author is one of the poets I was familiar to in my childhood. As I put the lines down I felt the charming tranquility of poems, which is long-forgotten as I spent so much time fighting addiction unsuccessfully. I got calmer and calmer, all of a sudden I perceived the real me hidden within: that exhilarated youngster in quest of a meaningful life by non-stop studying and experiencing. He's still alive and yearning for the day I get purified completely, so that I can have myself re-enthroned in my own tiny kingdom, where I'm the king instead of a slave, where I have confidence instead of pointless fear, where constantly do I shine like the sun at noontide...

Well perhaps I'm just too romantic to say these words (considering the fact that I still have trouble in communicating with others in English, sometimes I don't even know whether my expressions look weird to native speakers or not), though these are my true feelings. At this moment I am sitting in the library and trying to get myself deeper in thought. I need to rearrange all the broken thoughts and feelings, it's a large number of them for me to put in order. I'm that type of man who need to stop and look back after a certain period of time. It can energize me somehow.