I think talking to someone about it is a must. Look for sex addiction groups maybe? If there aren't any near your location, try a therapist, or a family member / friend that you trust. That's a first step to reduce the shame and get yourself back together a bit. Then, you need to fill your life with experiences: get busy, travel, try new things, meet people. Leave that shit behind, and after a while you'll look back at it and shrug.
Have you always felt this way? Isn't it true that there have been points in your life when you weren't depressed? What changed? You were still "you" back then, right? How about now? Are you still you? So you were the same "you" when you were happy in the past as you are now when you are depressed. That must means that who you are essential is neither happy or depressed. Who you essentially are is just something that is aware of happiness and depression. Find that "you" that sense of "I" that is beyond emotion. When you feel an negative thought or emotion come up, notice it and tell yourself "I am not this emotions" or "I am not this thought". If you do that you will find the place behind your emotions where you can just observe them without getting emotionally involved in them. This can bring some peace to you, it has helped me a lot in my own life. Hang in there friend, negative thoughts and emotions are not permanent, they will pass.
I cant tell anyone in person the full extent. i know the key parts of the situation thats bothering me. Its really tearing down my psyche. Im trying to take advice from those on the forums though. Its never too late i suppose
i feel like what attachs me to the emotions is they are not fairy tales flying around from outer space. They are grounded in a real life event. So its more like i look back at the real life event and that event produces an emotion cause its based on that moment. I cant tell myself the moment isnt real, therefore the emotion is justified and unchallenged. Also before this toom place i was way happier. But more than just that. My entire perspective was different. I feel like a chunk of me was lost. Its really hard to describe. Maybe it will brush over like others said
Just laying out my thoughts... I keep freaking out cause i feel like ive disrupted my future inner peace. Like ill never feel complete inside. Something will always be missing. Ill always remember what i did. I dont think ill have a well rounded inner satisfaction with myself Ive heard of a lot of people who feel this after theyve done something traumatizing. I cant get in the moment and just enjoy anything with clarity. This event keeps disrupting my mind. Im trying to think why im judging myself so much. One thing that keeps my mind occupied is the fact of how unnattractive the person was to me. I felt super creeped out and violated during the act. Their face and facial expression is burned into my mind. It enduced fear in me. I think thats why i cant be light hearted about the situation. I want to look at it in hindsight more light hearted but it was a heavy tense situation. This is whats causing problems for me. If it was any other way i could feel more indifferent about the experience and detach myself from it but this is a rare occurance and phenomena
I have disturbing fetishes and fantasies too, namely, AGP: being aroused about role-playing a female, even though you are fundamentally a hetero man. Obviously it's a core-damaging fetish, you start wondering if you're a trans and should transition, all that stuff (especially with an already obsessive mind) I never went too far personally, but there are stories here that are quite humbling. People who were deep into the rabbit hole, spending all their time cross-dressing and masturbating, posting pictures on the internet, and even using grindr to be a bottom to other guys. I can't imagine going to those extremes and then back to normal life, but these guys did it. The feeling you describe looks very much like what I feel after indulging in my fetish. Rationally I know I didn't hurt anyone, but I feel like shit nonetheless, as if I had committed a serious and irreparable fault. This guilt is largely eliminated after talking to someone, and since you said you didn't hurt anybody but yourself then there is no real obstacle to taking that step, except your ego. You choose Real life will take care of the rest. If your brain is busy with other things for long enough it will eventually relegate the event as distant memory with no impact on your life. Currently you're dwelling on it like crazy and that's not good. I suggest you close the internet, take a cold shower, and go for a challenging trip, outside of your comfort zone so that your brain has to work hard for a few days (or more).
Some good advice being posted, please take it into consideration. I dont say this to be arrogant, but you are wrong, and I am right. I know this because I've been through a similar feeling and have spoken to countless others who also have. Your brain is playing tricks on you. You could be the most anxious, depressed, miserable person on Earth, and you still cant feel that way all the time, its literally impossible. Its perfectly OK to feel terrible after what happened, but after a certain point you have to think "enough is enough" and take steps to fix it. Are you still masturbating to porn, and reinforcing the fantasy? What are you doing to shrink the event in your mind, as suggested by me and others earlier? You are only making things harder if you just sit and ruminate over it all day. Go out and do something. Make new, happy memories to replace this one in your active mind. Three days isnt long enough though my friend. It takes a while to overcome traumatic events. You still haven't told anyone but me what you actually did. I still think you should openly say it. Its scary but when you do it the stress will lessen. I told you to start a new thread and post in more detail, you did it and got lots of help almost right away. If you are more specific you may get even more help, as people who have actually done the same thing you did will be able to help more specifically.
Your judgement that your emotions are justified and based on "real life" events is just another thought. See it and say, "I am not this thought." No matter what is going on in your life "you" are just observing everything, untouched by everything. You are not depressed. You are watching a wave of depression sweep through your mind. You are not disgusted with yourself. You are watching a wave of disgust sweep through the mind. You are not regretful, you are watching a wave of regret pass through your mind. You are not judging yourself, you are watching judgmental thoughts pass through your mind. Practice creating distance from your thoughts and emotions and your life will become much more calm and happy.
I agree, but I think it is a worthwhile long term goal. OP did something that contradicts his natural sexuality and I think entering into a healthy relationship with a woman he loves and can be intimate and romantic with will help him overcome this problem. He's currently at the "My life wont ever improve because of this" stage and he needs to get past that first. Before he pursues a real woman he needs to first believe that its possible.
Look, you are wallowing in self pity. You are getting something out of this which you are not honest with yourself about. This thread and others you have posted in are mostly just trying to get people to confirm that you are indeed damaged beyond repair. Nobody is going to give that because we don't believe it. There is good advice in these threads. There are people who care about you. Nothing you did is as bad as you WANT TO BELIEVE. You WANT to believe that you are damaged goods because of one mistake. It's insane. Literally. It has almost zero connection to reality. This is nothing except your mind playing tricks with you. I've already told you how you can learn to rewrite your internal dialogue. The most pertinent question at this point is why don't you want to do it and what are you getting out of playing a damaged victim? This is a question for you to ask yourself. I know this sounds harsh but you have a simple choice. Either continue to frame yourself as damaged for life and a victim or change your mind start to do the work you need to do. It's 100% possible and takes only a little understanding and effort. I have no doubt that what you went through was traumatic and you legitimately feel terrible but playing a helpless victim will absolutely not help you. Live as a victim or live a good life with scars. Your choice. The people who responded to these threads genuinely want to help you. Take their advice or don't.
What discourages me is when i read posts like the one earlier about "I never went that far, i couldnt imagine going that far and living a normal life after" I feel alone in my own shoes. At this point im not allowing myself to see it this way. I just refuse to. Im letting time pass. Another night has passed and i stil woke up generally the same. Some say time is the solution, thats what im trying. I dont see much change. Im not quite sure at this point. What you guys are saying could 100% be true, but its just not registering internally for me. One thing i want to point out is i definitely dont want to feel this way. The way i felt before and after i wish i could go back. I dont enjoy this at all. What i keep thinking is if i cant wash this event from reality how can i ever wash away the negative emotions associated with it?
Yeah i wish i could go back to the days where my only problem was imagining and watching porn. I took it past that and thats why im devastated
I dont want anyone to confirm im damaged beyond repair, i just have a mental issue when it comes to this. My brain is overwhelmed. Thats why i came here. If im not listening its not out of intent. I would much rather just get off here and continue on with my life with no worries. Im here because i really need help. I guess what i want to know is, regardless of what happened, am i still valuable? I see myself as a piece of crap. I dont know whats going on in my head. Thats why i dont know how to deal with it. Before this happened i never had to deal with these feelings. I have no experience with this and i feel consumed and hopeless.
Basically what im concluding is i hate myself because of what i did, and since i cant erase what i did, i cant erase my self hatred. The reason why i dont just let it go is because its on a tier of things that had a deep impact. Like if i yelled at someone i could come back and say sorry and wed be better. But if i killed someone i cant just come back and say oh its gonna be ok. So there are certain layers of intensity. I feel in the middle where although i didnt harm anyone, (besides my self and subsequently my loved ones) i still cant take it back or just brush over it. It has a lasting effect
There is no possible way that a simple mistake could lower your value. Value does not enter into it. It must be that you are using the wrong word for what you mean. It seems obvious to me so I'm not sure how to explain it. You will get through this and you will be stronger. Doing something which you are ashamed of is in no way connected to value.
To all those who are saying ill be okay, whats gonna help make me realize thag? Also how do i combat the scary memories that give me the feeling of lasting doom? The memories of the actual experience? How do i combat the horrifying feelings connected to it
this sentence says exactly the opposite. a girlfriend cannot be a tool that can help him to overcome his problems. This is another objectification of woman. What if he finally fails to solve it? What would happen to the girl? He must stop his addiction, with all his willpower and all the tools at disposal, which does not include a girlfriend but specialized therapy, AP, CSAT, support groups... And of course he can fix his problem, doing that. And of course, later he will be able to have a sane relationship. I hope for him.
