my life batling with depression,lonelliness,and porn addiction;and how my passion is making me Relap

Hello,i am SaintGeorge(not my real name DUH) i am 20 yr old and i would like to share my life/vent a little bit of my not so happy life,while is not the worse life you could imagine wich give me strenght to keep going,i finde my life really depressing,so i wanted to share my expirience and how they have affected me and mayb someone can learn about themself in the way,while i would also like to have advices on a shitty situation i am rn,that is causing me to relapse,i will of course talk about porn addiction but will also touch other topics related to depresion,loliness,and even a mention of the S word,so be patien with it,maybe you even find entertaining the story,with that said the story is going to be large,am giving a resume of my life struggles but i want to express how they made me feel and how i think te related to each others,so mayb i am way too specific,that all ps:sorry for the english its not my first language.

soo,the thing is, i have been watching porn for a long time,am not really that sure when it started it but i started really early i may have being 11 or even 10 when a neighbor who was also around my age showed it to me,back then i really tried to not look at it but either way i was really interested in it,from there i would ocasionally watch porn but i dint knew what masturbation was,so i just looked at it from the curiosity and arousal it caused in me,fast forward a couple of year there was a period where i stopped watching it,until when i was around 13-14,due to some shitty circustance in my life i ended up droping out of school and studying from home....and i know how terrible this sound to a youngster bein home all day... because it is,i was always a kid that needed psycological help from very young,due to having a lot of troubles to fit in plus having the "gifted kid complex",sadly as much as i love my parents and for all their virtues i feel like the dint give me the atention my younger self needed,due to having a lot of troubles with my older sister wich was their main headache and focus,and me being the kid who "dont want to cause more trouble" had to carry with a load of burdens from it without much help.

the reason am saying all this is because as you can imagine i was drown in a really hard drepresion from really early on,wich it only became even harder and more painfull once i begin studiying from home,wich really incremented the already lonely feeling i felt,to ad more to the trouble i had couple of classmate who i keep talking to in that time in skype,i dint really was friend friend with them but due to not wanting to being alone and not having anyone else i stayed playing and talking with them,they werent really bad people in the way that they were evil,but the were really toxic wich took me a lot of time to accept and distance myself from them as i would gaslight myself and even my parent in their ignorance not wanting to see their child alone would tell me that it wasnt that bad,it was bad,atleast in the situation i was in,i remember one time i muster the confidence to speak out and ask for help,and what my gaslighted ass at that moment though was one of my best friends,i went and told him how i was feeling and all about the depresion and that i had being seeing differents psycologist for a very long time,only to him laugh at me couple of month later just to make a stupid joke about me,that shit really hurted me,and that was the moment i knew those where not friends i could count with,without mentioning other shity things like that

all this conect with porn in the way that during this time i was consuming porn like a madman and masturbating like crazy,i will not give exact numbers due to being incredible shamefull to me,but it was a lot,there where days where i would masturbate like 9-14 times in a day,am not proud of it,i had a lot of free time because i dint really had a lot of work to do from the school,and i dint where taking it seriously because i was so depressed and stressed out and lonely that i really dint care,i just filled a paper and then my dad would send it to the school,so i had a lot of free time,A LOT!,more than a normal student arround 14-18yr could have,and students already have a lot of free time,so there where day where i would spend all night watching porn and fapping,because i felt so empty that i tried to fill with it,there are a lot of more things that fucked me up during that period,like i remeber there was a girl that was like my childhood friend she was one of the few persons i had ever being able to connect with,i was always the art kid(wich is important and is part of the title of the post)so other would gather arround and think my art was cool,but she was the only other person who had an interest in art,so i would spend a lot of time talking about drawings and painting with her and had a bond with,also with a lot of the termoils that where happening in my house at the time(that ultimatly where the things that make me drop out of school)she was like a litter ray of sunshine for me,due to innocence,ignorance and not wanting to make things more complicated a really dint though about her in any other way more than my valuable best friend who i could be myself with,when i dropped out of school one the few regrets i had,was to not be able to spend more time with her.i even remeber one time i encountered an classmate who lived in my area,and he told me that she always wondered what has happened to me and that she would always said that she wished that i would go back,the things is that like a year or 2 laters one day wondering back i got to the conclusion that i was madly in love with her,and maybe it was youngster love,or some of you may say that it prob wasnt that deep due to our ages,but i think am going to remember that love for the rest of my life at least the good part,because like i said for my younger self she was like a ray of sunshine and really help me out back then,but as a thoughts comes like a storm, like a storm it goes away and leaves a path of dew and buckets to be collected and tidied up,i tough i could never reconnect with her because i dint have her cellphone nor i could not find her in social media nor had any other way of reaching out that crossed my mind at that moment,so time passed and i was twisting myself up for not being able to atleas say it to her.one day the friend that i mentioned that i ended up talking with invited me to the movie theater,this was the first time that i was going out with a group of friend at that point in my 16-17years,i dint even had a birthday party with other kids nor i have ever being to a birthday party,i had a lot of social issue,i remember i gathered the courage to go,and one of the guys who invited me offered that his dad could pick me up,i accepted,because i knew his dad,when we were in the car it ressult they where going to pick up someone else,and that someone else resulted to be the girl in question,to resume it i was incredibly nervous she did recognized me but obv she tried to maintain her distances,but she asked me how i was etc, and we talked some things to the best my habilities,and here comes the flipside,when whe reached to the mall i discovered this girl had a boyfriend,wich being honest made me feel terrible of course i am human am not of stone but i have always tried to be logical,being exposed to a lot of mental health struggles and having being challenged and had to deal with all of that almost alone,it had in way made me in a stronger,kinder,and more understanding man,and i am proud of me in that way,i know i have deal with a lot,and i have done my best to deal with the card that have been dealt to me,but nonetheless it made me feel bad,jealousy even to some extend because i liked this girl,but tried my best to not let that destroy what i had build,the night passed fairly well,i still have a recordatory from that day wich i values as a reminder of the courage that i had and the first time i was brave enough to go out by myself,its a burguer king cardboard crown,its stupid maybe but i want to remeber my good deeds to remeber myself that i can do it.the things with this girl is,that as time passed,as month passed i was still madly in love with her but she had a boyfriend and the more i begin to discover that she wasnt the same girl i remebered(of course this is obv people change and even more on teenage year,but it was shatering my perception in a very bad way),she begined to hang arround not that good people,the music and the way she was dressing was really....lets say eye-catching,and am not calling out anyone who is like this,am just pointing how i begined to notice her change,and even more when i discovered that her boyfriend was a drug addict with a lot of problems in his home,i was in one part worried,in other distressed,and in other really hurt,sadly i wasnt as close to her i was in the past,i dint had the confidance nore the right to say something,also did not had all that was happening,i was barely involved in everything outside my house, the things i knew was because i saw videos that were sended to me of her boyfriend doing this things and 2-3 times i crossed path with him as he was classmate with all the people i knew at that moment,all this made me return to porn again,i was going all in and all out,to not think about all this hurtfull things,to wrap up the story,in the end she ended up breaking up with him because her mom dint like him(wich i think it was the rigth choice)but again without going against an specific group now,i think she is pretty stupid now that i have more perspective and she haven change that much,but the thing is that i waited like 7-8 month from their breakup,and i gathered the courage to confess to her(ik that with all the context i have given having a relationship with her wanst a good idea but i was really in love,youll see the conclusion)and outside of everything i think i was really brave and i think i did a great job,i remember my legs were tremblings,and my voice was craking,but i was able to convey my feelings and all that she ment for me in the past,and being honest she isnt a bad person(i know i may sound like a incel some times,but i dont really hate her,is just the way things turned out and i think she took stoopid desitions thats all,and those desitition dont have to do with directly with me,i would have said the same even i she was my girflriend or if i dint had felt anything at all),she listened to me and all i had to say,am pretty sure atleast i was able to shake her(in a good way) as i could see she was flustered(this was a big confidance boost),but she told me that she dint see me that way(of course i just dissapeared for a couple of years and returned out of nowhere of course i dint had a chance),that maybe if it was in the past she would of said yes,but that she recently discovered that she wasnt into men(am not really that sure about that,but i find better not to think about it,and while i dont believe her that much from something i discovered later,ill just leave what she answered to me at that moment)that she loved me as friend(yep i was,lezbian-zoned,friend-zoned and possibly lied up to in my first confesion wich i thing is kinda funny as an annectode,but it fking hurt me a lot at the time),that was pretty much everything related to that,we ended up being friend,as she was part of the group of the only "friends" i had and not wanting to be so fking lonely again i ended up,dealing with it the hard way,it fucking hurted a lot from that point because obv i was still in love but i could not do anything about it,i have always being a fan of stoic characters,in books and literature,so i have always wanted to affront live in a similar stoic ways in wich i myself do not value less or try to control myself more than i try to control the others,so pushed trought it,the only i thing i had being having a lot of trouble with that and i havent being able to control my self with is fapping and porn,and during this period i was relapsing a shit tone and fapping away the pain of all this as i was triying to handle it,later i found out something that hurt me even more(yep there is more)i was send porn videos of her,wich is something that i am going to remember for a long time,it was almost as if i was branded with a hot iron in the hearth,i was worried about her,i was worried about my feelings,the mens she was with and yada yada yada,it was fkced up and it hurted,in the end i was surprised by how stupid she ended up turning out,and in my opinion she was choosing shitty men to be with and got tired of it(ik it sound incel but am not saying it should have been me,i get that maybe she wasnt into me,and there is nothing to do about that,but those videos where not recorded and shared with her consent,that just talk about the integrity of those men she was with),and before you ask no,i did not fapped with the videos they hurt like shit so it had nothing to do with it,thats the story

and now to the final part and my main problem rn,into all this shitty depressive thing i have said,i finded 1 solace.Art like i said pretty early on i was always an art kid,since i was kinda a "gifted" kid i remember finishing up all i had to do only to get my drawing notebook and begin drawing,it has always being a joy for me,i love creating,specially story telling and drawing,my mom used to read me tales that up to this date i still remember,i used to draw a lot,but when i dropped out of school i losed all drive,all purpose,like i said up i was really depressed at that time,to make things even worse during that period the only person i could count with and i would always go to for help died a year after i begined staying at home,that person was my grandmother,i was almost raised by her,and she was taking care of me,she was the only one i felt ever understanded by in my family,and am not going to hide it,i was really pampered by her,i think that dint help me but i know she did out of love and it was so uncoditional and miss her so much that i cannot be mad at it,i just wish she was here for me,she passed away from one moment to another due to a hearth disease,to this day is still one of the worse days of my live,appreciatte your grandpas if you still have them alive,i only had my grandmother,my grandfather leaved her with all her childrens,i have never been more ashamed to share blood with someone than with that man,i dont even know if he es alive,aparantly he has another family with other childrens and grandchildren and he donst even remember us,but anyways am getting out of topic,i was really down,this was rock bottom to me,i even tought about...you know..that stuff(i dont want to say it as i know i a trigerring word for some people but is the S word),all i was doing in this period were playing videogames,playing league(yes... ik)with my shitty"friends" just adding more toxicity to my life,and staying up until nigth watching porn and fapping and just going with the motion of each heavy and boring day,and i was like that until 2020,thats a lot of time,but one day watching my favorite movies of all time,it literally saved my life,the lord of the rings thanks to wich i could experiment a valuable friendship,responsability,comunity,and completing your task even when you feel like you cant and that even the smallest person can change the course of the future,it may sound corny but it means a whole lot to me,and i thing is important to find consolation in things that inspired you.so one day i decided to pick up a pencil once again,and i begined to draw,and from that day in 2020 i have been drawing and writing none stop,it has its up and downs,but i have definitly find my passion,this bring me joy,i want to one day,write a story that as the lord of the rings and every other story have help someone like me,one day i could do the same for others,i have been working really fking hard for that,i do not have problem with it, i love it except for one lurking monster that has never being able to go away from my life....
the porn problem,now is 2023 i am 20 years old,i finished highscool from home,and afters 3 years of wandering i decided to go to college,this was a big risk,a huge one because it has so many things i wasnt prepared for,quite literally i havent had to deal wiith any responsability and all my teenage year where spend in solitude in my house without a figure of authority,but i did it,and i have to say that is not going bad,i am the best of my class and academically am good,but i haven be able to make friends,nor to meet any girls,even tho am doing all this i fell empty,because am not doing what i want to do,after all this year figthing depression and all the shit i had to handle alone,i found my "call" art is what brings me joy,but sadly in my country "art" is no something you cand do,and do not want to go and try it without having a plan b first,so i decided to sacrifice some years for having a plan b,while i still practice my art and study on my free time,and i have made insane progress in this 3 years i have been drawing,i have improved faster than most people do ,and while it still frustraste me sometimes watching my old art and my new art is insane,but i have a problem now,my mind and my porn addiction....is taking that now.....and i have 1 word,Hentai..... . . and i know what am going to say so pls dont laugh at me,but i noticed that what triggers me and put me to go back and watch porn,is drawing....yes thats right my own passion is the 1 who is making it hard(no pun intended),as am able to create any type of character i want,i am ashamed to recognize that i have drawn my own porn,as the way i see it i dont have any limitations,as i have the skill to make the type of porn i want,and this desire has been overlaping with my passion and main goal,i even get some money from drawing some comissions,so in a way is a job,i dont sell porn comission cuss i am too ashamed to,but i find myself in this problem,and when you are an artist you have to think into what you find arousing/interesting or apealing,and everytime i have to draw a female character since i have to thing about those things to create something that i could express as apealing or interesting i find myself wanting to fap because it interwines with the porn and hentai toughts,and since my life dont have anything else or anyone else,and since i distance myself from that other group for obvious reasons,i think that while i am not that hurt as other moments in my life as i had made many progress alone i feel lonlier than i ever was,and now that one the few things i found purpose with(and i havent stopped enjoying creating)is also damaging me,i dont know what to do anymore,every nigth i tend to alocate time for drawing practices and writing,take in mind that i tend to do drawing practices from 4 hours,to some times even 12-14 hours drawing when i have a free day,but is also the main cause of my relapse.....i discovered this conection not so long ago and is being really madening to someone who want to stopp fapping because its literally stealing away my time from doing the things i need to do,but the things i need to do are the one who make me go back at it,i have try to implement different strategys to it, i have been triying to find friend and meet girls,to have social things to do ,in recent years i have improven my social skills and dont have any problem going to people and introduce myself and i have being trying to make friend but i have been really unlucky,everyone i have talk to just stop talking to me from a while,the only other person i have being able to conect with is a girl that i have been talking to wich i met in an art course,but it isnt going well,we talked for a lot of month and had a really good friendship,but she is autistic and i was interested in her in a romantic way,and due to feeling that she wasnt understanding that we where even having dates due to her not picking up thos cues(she also is prette inept socially and added to her autism you have to be somewhat literal for her to understand)i felt like she deserved to know what was happenings,so i told her...and she said to me...you guessed it right.that she wasnt into men xddd,i dint want to lose the only real conection i have made in a long time so we stopped talking for some time,due to her feeling overwhelmed,but we ended up talking again,i feel like am in a weird hard to read relationship,and to no make this even longer and to not give more details about this girl i wont say much more,but yeah it sucks,i would love to know or read some advices if you have any

that would be my life story its really fking long and i doubt anyone in his right mind would read all this but atleast it served to get things out of my chest,hell i was thinking of watching porn rigth before this but it helped me to distract from those thoughts,i doubt i said something that could help other people,but if atleast you found solace in my word and it helped you to not feel so lonely in your struggles am glad,

wish everyone to stay strong and to never give up keep goin!

 

wow you actually took the time to read it thanks mate!,yeah i definitly think its not healthy,i havent really thought about it that way thanks,and yeah it is a strange problem right?,i tought i was gonna be weird but i wanted to try and change that,and just needed to share it somewhere,thanks for the advice i really appreciatte it,ill try to implement what you said,ill try to focus into drawing other things for the time being,ill try to drawing other stuff that i do not related as apealing or sexually alluring,sadly this will prove harder since am writing some storys and they have female characters in it that i designed to be apealling,ill have to stop that for the time being for the greater good in the long run

 

yeah,its quite harder,sadly i think is better if i just stop drawing womens for a while,it happens that cool and strong female character are what arouses me,so am kinda in trap there,thanks for the help,is nice having someone triying to help me,ill give my best!,thanks!

 

i dint see him luckily,thanks!,yeah am triying to change for the better,to have a better chance at fullfilling my dreams,its sad that there are people who dont think that is something worth it,but ill keep triying to get better!

 

thanks man,i wish the best to you aswell,hopefully we can recover from this together and be a better version of ourself,keep going strong as long as we keep pushing forward and strugling we can do it!