My life

Trough my childhood, my life has always been struggle with bullying towards me.
I was bullied in kindergarten and at school, even when at first I was called ''genius'' - I mostly spent my time reading books and I didn't even go outside and trough constant bullying at school, I came home crying and granny, mom ignored it. My marks went down and I lost my all concentration. Till I had to change school, as I felt sick at school and was at state of collapse.
Really nobody ever at home asked me how I feel and I even told that I don't want to study at school and I better take home schooling, but I was told all the time by mom :''You have better experience in school than me, we didn't have computers and other things!'' - But I don't care about computers and my mom, granny ignored me when I cried and they were telling me to study and really I couldn't concentrate anymore at studies and even now I can't and it feels it all damaged me.
I had suicide attempt 9 months ago, I was kept in hospital where I was given so strong pills that I couldn't even hold spoon and I think, if I stayed there more. I maybe had damaged neurological system and I couldn't think anymore properly. As I've heard that they use here in my banned medicine taking it from Soviets.
I've have been almost 1 year without anti-depressants now and I really cried now so much remembering the past and all the experiences and I'm more afraid of studies tomorrow, as the real reason why was my suicide attempt - I couldn't take anymore studies and I been told everyday about the studies by mom and granny.

I never really been in the relationships, but now I'm talking trough internet for over some months with girl and we have created bond, but I'm really afraid to collapse because of studies and school have always been associated with bad things that happened in my life. I'm 21 years old and English isn't my native language, so sorry for gramatical mistakes.

 

I don't really know, I don't get bullied anymore and I had some called ''goth'' period where I'm wearing all black and people look at me weirdly, but they more fear me thought it's better to be feared than get bullied and also I'm trying to not being around the people where I feel that I will get bullied. I wasn't goth or before when I was little or trough the time when I went to school and got bullied, I had like average style. Thank you, really I think ''NoFap'' can give more control over my mind and have more self control, I hope your journey. My stress is more based on the fear to get bullied, even when I was little I was called ''genius'' and now I'm really nothing.

 

Thank you, but really can see trough school that most people are terrible persons.