My Path to Self Love

Hi guys

I posted on new fap about a month ago regarding my p addiction and an incident that turned my life upside down. Just wanted To provide an update on my progress. The long and short of it is that I started watching p at the age of 12 and for 19 years, drifted through pretty much all the categories going. But mainly transgendered person and gay. I became obsessed with meeting up with a transgendered person, even nearly getting an escort on a work trip to Bangkok. I eventually bottled it but kept m over transgendered person p. I always felt guilty after the o but just got such a rush out of it. I've been pretty destructive through my marriage and been with escorts, affairs, had 3 somes. I never felt guilty as I just thought it was just being a lad! It's selfish I know!

Then after an all day drinking session, I was passed out on a bed. A guy started trying it on and I ended up giving oral and anal just like videos I've always watched. In fairness, I wasn't mainly to blame as I was very intoxicated and he took advantage of my state but I still participated. Instantly I knew it was a mistake and not my sexual preference. I felt like I had been tricked by p. Fast forward to July, I pretty much had a breakdown when I thought about living with the shame. My symptoms included
- loss of appetite
- anxiety
- depression
- insomnia
- scared to socialize
- panic attacks
- couldn't go to the gym
- couldn't drink
- couldn't concentrate
- suicidal thoughts

It pretty much messed up my life!

I have now been in therapy for two months and been on a course of anti depressants. I've managed to get my life on track and get back to normal but I stilll can't forgive myself for doing that. The thought of growing old with that on my concionce is hurting me badly. I'm not a bad person at all, just made some bad decisions thinking with my privates brain and not mine.

On a plus side I've become the person who I've wanted to be. I've cut down on binge drinking, haven't watched p for over 60 days, no m and I've become committed to my relationship and well being. I've started to mediate too.

Has anyone gone through something similar or achieved self forgiveness when they feel toxic guilt and shame?

Thanks

 

Hi @Jesum9

Firstly, thank you for taking the time and effort to respond to my post. Your words are spot on and have been helpful in my recovery.

The event has been traumatic to say the least and has turned my world upside down. I'm so angry at the guy involved as he took advantage of my situation which wasn't fair. I feel violated. And porn for completely polluting my mind and almost destroying my life. However I'm most angry at myself for living such a damaging and destructive lifestyle. What I've done previously is not just degrading but completely disrespectful to the most important person in my world. I'm lucky to still have her and have now dedicated my future to making her happy. I've always treated her right but the dark side of me has been selfish and pig headed. This event has really been an eye opener and it's given me time to self reflect. I suppose in life it's about learning from mistakes right?!

Thank you once again, your words have helped me massively. I wish you all the best for the future.

 

Hi @Brandon319

Thank you for writing to me and for your wise words. I'm trying to be present and make the most of this life which I know is a gift. I'm sorry to hear about your event, was it a tv prostitute?

I'm really happy you've been able to forgive, we all deserve a second chance as long as you learn from your mistakes.

I wish you all the best and keep in touch!

 

Thanks @yukon sorry to hear about your experience. Did you act out of your p escalation? By the sound of it, it's a pretty common event.

 

Sorry to hear that. Have you managed to get over the incident? It's crazy what porn does to your mind. I'm gutted that it's happened to me, wrong place wrong time.

 

Glad to hear you have got over it. How did you manage? I'm still taking it day by day. It truly destroyed me and the depression I went through was intense. I gave up! Just from a voice of experience, don't do anything that'll you'll regret. The mind is precious and we abuse it. Photos won't do that but acting out will.