Please heed the trigger warning and decide carefully whether you want to continue reading. The point of this post is to get everything I've done off of my chest and hope that one or any of you can support me and maybe relate with what I'm going through. I need support. I just need to find purpose in trying to get better again. If you read some of my earlier posts, you'll know that my impulsive behavior was masturbating to nudes my ex had given me. This escalated into trading photos with strangers online. Right before I joined this site, I finally brought myself to delete everything I had. And that made me feel great at first. But my mind kept racing with sexual thoughts and I'd become aroused thinking about having nudes of my current partner. I fantasized about being able to look at her body whenever I was horny and thought about how I could do that without directly asking her for nudes. Somewhere between graduating from high school and entering my junior year of college I got really hooked on 4chan. I used to go there all the time to find taboo shit to masturbate to. And along the way I ran into quite a few hidden cam threads. Videos of unsuspecting women being filmed as they showered, changed, etc. This somehow shot into my brain and I couldn't shake it. I just kept thinking about it and thinking about it. And I acted on that thought. I hid a camera in our room and recorded her changing. And once I had it, I felt such a rush. I masturbated to it several times. But now I just feel so horribly disgusted by that. I can have her anytime I want. I mean she always satisfies me, and she's hardly ever not in the mood. So the fact that I still went through with all of that just to have some nudes worries me. I'm feeling like I have some deep issues. Like nudes are some sort of defense mechanism or something for me. I feel like if I ever get dumped, I'll at least still be able to hold onto the girl I lost in that sense. Which I know is so selfish and wrong. I just had to type it out and hear myself say it. Sorry guys, I know I sound like a piece of shit. Just needed to vent.
I don’t think nudes are a defence mechanism. I think the truth is over time and countless small decisions you have trained your brain to get hooked on darker and darker stuff You need to nip this in bud or it will not end well. Delete that shit, Chuck your hidden camera in the bin. Your better than this. Take a serious break from porn and your mind will soon look back on this spell as an aberration and not the norm. Don’t be that guy. You can do it.
By writing it out you put it down in black and white. It's a step in the right direction. You've admitted that it's wrong. You've admitted it to a handful of online strangers. Now, do the next right thing. Get rid of what you have. Stop doing that. Whether she's your partner or a stranger, you are violating this person's privacy. We have all done stupid shit. You have been carrying this shame around with you and it's driven you to act out again. Let it go. You don't have to carry that shame anymore, at least not alone. We are here to help. Try not to focus on not doing it again. Focus on things that you can do to make you feel better about yourself? Want a few suggestions? Help a stranger. Call an old friend. Do something really nice for your partner and without expectation of anything in return.
Remember that rush you felt after bringing yourself to delete all those photos you once had? Whether or not you're aware of it... when you deleted those pics- you made a decision to not let whatever it was that made you hold on to those photos have power over you anymore. Whatever this is now, has power over you- so say no to it again. This time do what it takes, because you're only as weak as you are by yourself. So get an accountability partner, and tell someone you can trust. Unless your conscience is cauterized, which... for most people it is (so this might not even apply to you)... but, if not... then you know deep down you actually did something awfully wrong that goes beyond your pornographic habits... you involved your gf, someone you care about, unwillingly. You can keep it a secret (and many people do), or... you can fess up and tell her what you did and apologize. I think you should allow this experience to give you perspective. Do you ever think any of the photos of strangers you collected might've been taken without their permission? I know I've looked at strangers who had pictures taken of them, fully clothed, without their permission or knowledge had those pictures are all over the internet with lewd captions. Looking back, the behavior was totally gross, but then again, I don't know them. But because this is someone you know- it's different Nothing brings discipline better than pain. It won't be pleasant, but I say tell her what you did. It won't be pleasant- guaranteed, but you'll walk away from that experience a better man; and if she forgives you (which, if you're sincere, I'm willing to bet she might), your relationship will grow stronger. Transparency brings people closer together- but vulnerability is what establishes bonds. Proverbs 9:17 "Stolen waters are sweet, and bread eaten in secret is pleasant." Check it out if you want more understanding: https://www.bible-studys.org/Bible Books/Proverbs/Proverbs Chapter 9.html
I deleted everything and got rid of the camera. It's true, at some point after so much porn and sex, I needed more and more to be satisfied. Thanks for your words. I know deep down inside I am better than this, and that is why I returned here. I'm starting over again, and I am going to stop giving myself the loophole of assuming I'm going to fail again. I'm done with the cycle. I have bad habits like anyone else, but there are some habits I refuse to allow. If I willingly choose to not allow something detrimental like smoking cigarettes in my life, why can't I do the same with this? I'm in a better mindstate after reading the feedback from this post. Thank you
