My story

Finally a place that can help me with my pornography addiction! This place is like AA for pornography. I want to stop watching pornography period. I want pornography gone from my life. I've known about pornography since the 3rd grade, when I stumbled upon my cousin's stash of porn DVDs. I was confused at what I saw because the stuff they were doing on there was anal sex, and I thought that was normal but at the same time I thought it was weird and disgusting, all while kind of being turned on by it. Years to come I didn't think much about it. I didn't get addicted to it until I got to middle school. At that point my morals and thinking changed drastically. I once grew up saying I wouldn't have sex until marriage, to wanting to have sex with any female. But thankfully I didn't have sex until marriage because no wanted to be with me growing up, but I still wanted sex and I was willing to lose my virginity before marriage knowing I was raised knowing that fornication is wrong. It got so bad where I would watch porn all day long after school, until my parents got home, I actually almost got caught twice. I would look at it on my PSP all night! It got worse after I graduated high school and finally started masturbating while watching porn. I couldn't stop! Eventually I met my wife and we found out we both were addicted to porn. Honestly I was happy, because I knew I wasn't alone, and she understood. As we dated we would Skype and have video sex. That held me over for a while, and I didn't watch porn for a long time. Then eventually I wanted more, so I started back watching porn and feeling terrible about. I never told her about it because I thought she gave up porn too. A month before we got married, we agreed we would stopping video sexing and masturbating so that way on the wedding night, sex would be amazing. Sadly I did not hold my end of the bargain, I watched porn until a week before the wedding. I thought to myself maybe once I get married I will stop watching porn (keep in mind I didn't marry my wife only for sex, I genuinely love her) I mean I will get sex every night, so this won't be a problem anymore. For the first 3 months that was true, then for no reason, I relapsed engaging in porn. I couldn't understand, I was having sex every night, but still wanting more! 6 months into the marriage, I finally told her I've been watching porn for a while. At first she got kind of upset, then she said, I can't get mad myself, I've relapsed too. So we talked about our problem and tried to find out what triggers it. We wrote out a contract saying we will abstain from pornography and list penalties for relapse, and rewards for good behavior. Sadly we never held true to the contract. We both were secretly watching porn behind each other's back. From time to time my guilt would make me confess that I relapsed, then she would confess. We would say we need to change and come up with rules, but still end up sneaking around the rules to relapse. We both read religious articles about pornography (contact me for a link to those articles), which helped, for a while, but still would, eventually get back to relapsing. We have a calendar, to track our progress, but we never kept up with it. Every once in a while when she's cleaning , she will see the calendar and asks when was the last time, I watched pornography. I would lie and say I don't know, knowing good and well I watched porn the night before. Lately it's been really bad, I can't go I week, without watching porn, sometimes I'd watch it everyday. I wait until my wife leaves the house, then I go to town. It's so bad lately that I'm watching stuff I would have never watched before. It's so bad, as I'm typing this I have the urge to watch some porn. And I know what triggers it, but I still go to that trigger, knowing eventually porn will be the end outcome. Porn is ruining my life! Like I mentioned before, I love my wife, I don't know what I would do without her. We have sex every night, still, and we love each other to death, but I still watch porn. And porn has messed up my thinking, I fantasize about other women, even my sister in law . I don't love these women, in fact I hate my sister in law, she is annoying! But the imperfect, sinful, sexually deviant side of me wants to bad things with her and other women. I'm so glad I haven't cheated on my wife, but I don't trust myself if temptation were to arise. I hate the overly sexual side of me, and porn keeps fueling that side of me! I want to stop watching porn, and clean up my dirty mind, I just don't know how. I pray for help and forgiveness, and I know God is giving me the help, and forgiveness, but then I go and mess it up and I let him down. I hope he can still forgive me. Lately with porn it's like i'm literally fighting a demon and getting my butt kicked every time. Some days I get up, and want to kill myself because I can't stop. I should be discussing this with my wife, but I hate disappointing her, and if she knew what effects porn is having on me, it would devastate her. Please help nofap.