MY TORTUROUS LIFE

I was one split decision away from a totally different life and outcome. Knowing this eats at me all day long.

 

This is gruesome

 

I know everyone faces their trials and tribulations but why does this have to be mine? I dont think im strong enough to handle this. Anything else i can handle but THIS? I cant.

 

Tortured young soul at 22..

 

Thinking it should be different reminicising on the good times. Causes no joy. Only pain

 

Dude i just now remember a video i saw of someone sharing a traumatic experience that happened to them somewhere and the guy was being interviewed and you could tell he was so messed up. The guy interviewing him just looked down on him in pity, i could tell even he (the guy conducting the interview) was aware there was nothing to do to fix it. He didnt even give any advice or words of hope all he said was "im sorry man". I just realized the guys whole demeanor and distressed look is exactly me right now. I think im really screwed forever. I cant quantify this... this is horrific

 

Its hard to move on and do anything with this turmoil. Will i ever be good or am i out of luck? I need clearance on this. I think i screwed up too badly to ever live normal

 

Woke up in torture crying

 

With PMO there was always a chance to start fresh. Watching wasnt necessarily "real life" its just like watching a movie kind of. If you see something horrific in a movie you can sleep it off and be alright.

If you actually do the act in the movie it will be with you forever.

This is TORTURE

 

Im talking to someone who did the same thing and went to therapy for 15 months and theyre just as screwed up and distraught as i am. Depressed daily, same exact thoughts and feelings.

I think this caused legit PTSD and im mentally disabled and damaged forever. This thrashed my life. Thrashed it. Trail blazed it

 

Does anyone have experience with this who actually kvercame it

 

Why does this have to be real

 

I wish i saved myself before it went too far. Ill never know why this had to happen. This is dark beyond measure. This is so painful. No one will ever know the pain i feel.

 

Theres no reason for me to live after this. Theres no reset button like with PMO. Theres no self preservation left. My soul got snatched. My head is spinning. I dont know why i have to live. I wish i could just die. I have no one to talk to. I never have peace. Im stuck on this forum the moment i wake up, come home, then go to bed. Im life is officially over.

 

This is not a normal struggle/tribulation thats why i cant take it. Its so embarassing. I can handle other obstacles but this breaks me

 

It feels like i got violated

 

The person ive talked to who is did the same thing struggles the same as me and hes tried everything even therapy for 15 months. I think its truly different if youve actually done it. I dont think theres a cure

 

I have paranoia that somehow this makes me different than other people or since ive seen something they havent im permanently damaged. I dont know whats going on

 

my life is ruined. My potential will never be met. Have no clue why im still om this earth and all i have to live with now is regret. I dont know whats more painful at this point the regret or the shame probably the regret cause even if i got rid of the shame ill probably still have the permanent regret and loathing

 

This is sickening my soul is gone i dont think any amount of productivity can remove this stain