Progress: What’s interesting is that my desire to fap and chilling has grown a bit. The past two weeks I haven’t had any arousing thoughts until lately. Meditation (40min daily) and sobriety has helped me be much more emotionally aware, and it’s been much easier to manage and accept stress when it comes. As much as I’m following my conscience, working to improve myself, trying new and more complex things, feeling better and more clear than I have in years, it’s starting to feel hard to see it all through. Mindset: I thank God each day for my sanity, and pray often throughout the day, but today seems a bit more rough than previously. I’ve noticed my ambitions and expectations have waxed, and my effort and willpower have waned. Ive found myself anticipating more time to myself, and resisting getting caught up in work and self-sacrifice. I look for external reasons bigger than myself to follow through. I don’t want to burn out, but I don’t want to get bored or complacent and find myself indulging into temptation and self serving behavior. Esteem: I feel my esteem lowering from my anxiety of my father, brother, and extended family looking down on me for not working (in which one wants me to go to college, the other to the trades), and from my little sister who sees me as beneath her, something like being “tainted” from doing drugs and not following through with school. For now I’ll play some guitar and allow myself some video game time. I understand my self consciousness comes from time spent bored or anxious, which has been lately since I’ve been hit with increased resistance and obstacles to my goals. I treat this with humility and humbleness, but its been hard to stay focused and keep busy in an effective, diligent manner. Thanks for your time and any thoughts you may have.
