Need help with sleep and memories from the past

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by Homo Deus, Mar 27, 2019.

Did you used porn as medication to forget bad things in your life?

  1. Yes

  2. No

  3. Maybe

Results are only viewable after voting.
  1. Homo Deus

    Homo Deus Distinguished Fapstronaut

    865
    3,109
    123
    Hello, NoFap community. Thank you for existing. I must say first that this community helped me a lot in the past 2 years while I am trying to reboot. I have been an active member for a year now, and I have made very good progress.

    For a guy who watched porn many times per day, sometimes even more than 10, I managed to watch porn only 2 times in the last 365 days and to reduce masturbation to 2 times or less per week. But, that is not good enough, I know I am still addicted.

    Now, in the last few months, I have a problem with sleep more than ever. But over the years, I kinda learned how to live with it, but still, I would like what other reporters think about this. I did my research and I tried all basic stuff, like meditation and workout before sleep, hot beverages, walking, not using phone, reading etc...

    And memories from the past. This is more important than a sleep problem. It might be even a reason I have trouble sleeping. I would like to hear what you guys think about it, and how to deal with it. - I am one of many guys who used porn as medication, to deal with stressful situations in life, and somehow, I use it to forget all 'bad' things I have done in the past. I didn't kill a man or stuff like that, But I have done many things I am not proud of. (I also forget many bad things that happened to me and I am feeling very bad about them even they were not my fault, they just happened) Now, these memories are coming back to me all at once and I can not control them at all. I am realizing that I was, or I am a person that I don't like, or I am a person very different from what I think I am. And for most of the time, this is my trigger to relapse, I am feeling very bad, depression is worse than ever. Is this the healing process, if it is, I am not sure that I want to be healed. - Please don't misunderstand this, I don't want to be addicted to porn anymore, but this is just so painful, I am not sure that person can go through this.


    Sorry for the long post, and sorry if I missed the thread, I was not sure where to post it. Also, I am sorry if something is not understandable, I tried my best to explain my situation in English which is not my first language. I would love if there is no one else having problems like me, but if there is some, please share your thoughts. Thanks!
     
    prettyboichad and CH3RRY like this.
  2. Ridley

    Ridley Fapstronaut

    796
    1,413
    123
    Yeah, it takes a long time to recover from an addiction. I've been clean from porn for over a year and I still consider myself an addict. I need to tread carefully. Often times the biggest obstacle we face in our recovery is time itself.

    All of that stuff is helpful with sleep. I think another thing is to have a good sleep routine. For example, mine is to make my bed, brush my teeth, and write in my journal. Then, I turn out the lights. If you get into a routine before bedtime, it makes it easier to sleep.

    First of all, I want to mention that I can definitely relate with all the stuff you've said about memories of the past. Just want to let you know you're not alone in feeling that way. I also used porn as a way to medicate painful memories and experiences. It really wasn't even a sexual thing when I got into it. It was more about numbing myself.

    Without getting into too much detail about it, my father abused me and my siblings badly when I was going through puberty. That was the time that I started to get into porn. Confronting those experiences in a healthier way has been instrumental in my own recovery. I had a lot of help with all of that by seeing a therapist. I'm not saying that you ought to see a therapist, but I'm just saying it's an option if you're having trouble with memories in the past. It helped me enormously.

    As far as being a person that you don't like goes, just recognize that all that we really have is the present. What kind of person are you in the present? Based off of this post, the only thing I really know about you is that you're working really hard at recovering from your addiction. I don't think that makes you a bad person, even if you've done stuff in the past you're not proud of. Besides, even if you've done something awful in the past, that doesn't make your struggle in the present any less real. It doesn't make you less deserving of support, whatever it is.
     
    Homo Deus, prettyboichad and CH3RRY like this.
  3. CH3RRY

    CH3RRY Fapstronaut

    430
    1,405
    123
    I understand what you are saying. Porn used to help me with my loneliness, it made me feel something for a little while. These memories you are talking about are something you need to really think about. Try think rationally about every single detail about these events and incidents. Think about why they happened, why did you act that way and why do you feel bad about them. You need to make peace with your past, don't let it cloud your vision of current time and the future.
     
    Homo Deus likes this.
  4. Vir Rex

    Vir Rex Fapstronaut

    I used porn to hide my death anxiety and now that it hits me full throttle I have to confront this fear and live life to the fullest. I also have to keep doing new things everyday otherwise I get bogged down by my past, followed very closely by my death anxiety.
     
    Homo Deus and Heráclito like this.
  5. Capt. U

    Capt. U Fapstronaut

    143
    101
    43

    I tried a program called The Landmark forum which deals in helping people complete their past so they can move on.

    Essentially works like this:
    People get up on a mic by volunteering and start talking about whatis going on in their life. An educator is their to help guide people with their struggles using a system. It helped me when I had a issues with my father and it also helped me bring to light my pornography issue with my family.
     
    Homo Deus likes this.
  6. Voyager52

    Voyager52 Fapstronaut

    7
    7
    3
    I really understand everything you are saying. My porn problem morphed into not paying attention to my wife and marriage and having affairs. PMO was both cause of and escape from problems, which were much deeper rooted. I have worked on them in therapy and am now much better, but still cannot forgive myself for the bad stuff and pain I caused someone I still love. And the sense that life could have been better and different without this addiction, and that IS what it is... So I still havebanxuety and get depressed, and that drives me back to porn as an escape... Very difficult vicious circle... Support and sharing with others is essential, tks for posting this.
     
    Homo Deus likes this.
  7. Homo Deus

    Homo Deus Distinguished Fapstronaut

    865
    3,109
    123
    Thank you for your post @Ridley, It has been some time already that I am considering to visit a therapist. I am letting my lack of money and social anxiety to distract me, but I will eventually stop making excuses and go and visit one.


    Sorry to hear that you had such a hard time, my story is not very different but my father was very good to me when he was not drunk. But that rarely happens. Alcohol was his addiction, I understand him now, his life was not easy. Hi did not have support from his family as I don't have now. But he didn't even have this forum to make him feel better, to see that he is not the only one having those problems.


    Routine, I think I might try to do something about that.


    I felt a little better after reading this. Thank you!
     
    Vandermeer likes this.
  8. Homo Deus

    Homo Deus Distinguished Fapstronaut

    865
    3,109
    123
    Thank you for sharing. Unbelievable circle, once when you're in, it is so hard to get out.
     
  9. Ridley

    Ridley Fapstronaut

    796
    1,413
    123
    There are many cheap options out there, so I encourage you to look around. There are a lot of therapists out there who prioritize helping people over making a profit.

    Man, your story sounds all too similar to my own :(
     
    Homo Deus likes this.

Share This Page