Hello to you all, I have a mental problem, which I am affraid will conquer me. Yesterday I tried commiting suicide, but didn't go through with it. I tried going into a wall at 120 mph, but steered away the last moment. I even tried to make it look like an accident ffs. I'm scared. My problem is that I had ED with a girl 6 months ago and decided to abstain from PMO for good. I relapsed 2 months in with vanilla stuff and 2 days after that, I discovered that only trans porn could turn me on. That triggered the absolute hell that is my life right now. I have a constant loop of checking with girls and guys only to find out I have no erections to guys and almost instant erections to girls. I could imagine any female friend naked and get an erection and with guy friends nothing. Even had numerous wet dreams with female friends in them and none with guys. But everytime I see a man I get anxiety spikes. Could be a fu**ing 80 year old grandpa, the ugliest guy around etc. Guys in the cafeteira at my work all trigger me, while only 6 months ago, I wouldn't even acknowledge them. I tried accepting that I'm gay but it's the same. Nothing works. The only thing that calms me down is when imagining/looking at girls I get an erection. But that tricks me into a relapse. Honestly, if someone told me, that this was going to be me just 6 months ago, I would laugh at them. But look at me now, I'm a mess. I need serious help guys, I can't imagine how long I will be able to withstand this. I am tired, my performance at work has dropped significantly. I am the bottom of the ranking, when I was number one only half a year ago. The fact that I'm on some medicine that is known to worsen anxiety and depression doesn't help. Thanks in advance.. L
Bro, this is some heavy stuff. It's brave and good that you share this. I do think it is very important that you seek help. I don't know how you feel, because I don't experience this. But I do believe that there is always hope, always. As long as you can breath, there is hope. I'm also glad that you are still alive! On this platform, the only thing I can do is support you, encourage you, and pray. I've witnessed many testimonies of people in terrible situations, who also tried committing suicide, but their lives were changed for the better. Please don't end your life! Seek help, talk to people you know you can trust! And if you want to talk here, I will do my best to be a good comfort. You will overcome!
Bro there is a solution for everything, god has created us to enjoy this beutiful world not to end this.now coming to the problem you are facing, brother believe me its not a problem at all. Lemme tell you with my life.i am addicted to 12 years and some years back i get a trauma incident inmy life and it lead me to a weird fetish addiction. I struggled a lot to escpe from that, that fetish is so strong that even this forum sometimes triggerd me.( bacuse of my brain) so last year, middle of 2020 i am also started to get addicted to this males.i am not gay at all but kinda interested in males. I am also so much freaked out. I think this is it i am finally gay. But believe me brother its not that. What i do is i reasearched about it on the internet and also see many pshycologists online and offline. So this male addiction actually not gay its a kind of attraction we feel due to this overwatching of porn. You cannot escape this with normal nofap. Brother lets make a sacrifice in life.start the hardmode.its the only solution. Destroy all the sources from which the porn brain get its food like instagram and all.by this way you will eventually be back to normal again. On day 1 of my journey i kinda disturbbed by presenece of males in my neighbourhood and am attracted like thing. But i accepted it and believed nofap will cure me.believe me brother i am on hardmode day 11 now with my gods grace i am not attracted to them a single bit...so brother dont do anything stupid.the attraction you feel is a kind of porn damage to your brain.so immediate remedy is stop feeding brain with food ie porn.may god show you a new path and bless you with a new life.(sorry for my english)
The way I see it, it's satan (or if you're not religious, a primordial area of your brain) that is pushing you to relapse by giving you these thoughts. It makes anxious to think you might be gay/trans, so satan/brain comes in and whispers that if you don't relapse right now you gotta change your gender, and it often works thus why its common for people like us to experience stuff like this. You just have to fight on, it won't get better until it does by abstaining from pmo.
Hi, thanks for the replies. The reason I don't want to talk about this with a person in real life is the fact, that I like to have an option to go out as a last resort. As soon as I tell someone about my suicidal thoughts, I will be on suicide watch. And I would like to have an easy way out, if this mental pain will be too much for me. I know it sounds horrible, but it's the way it is. Deep down I know what I am, but these thoughts are horrendous. I would just like to be free. I have a history of overthinking, crippling anxiety, overworying, but this has got to be the worst form I ever had in my entire life. In an instant, all the crushes on girls, the good times I had with them, just don't seem to matter anymore. Even the fact I don't get aroused by any type of male or male genitalia doesn't suffice either. Hell, I even checked trans P the other day and I didn't feel anything down there. As I've said, I want to be free. I want to be able to check out girls again, without my mind telling me that I'm gay. It's torture. Remember, I was free just months ago. Almost a quarter of a century without these thoughts, and now this. I really hope that it will get better, because I'm very tired. I wish I never discovered P. It literally destroyed me. For now I am abstaining and hoping for the best. In the beginning, from early september until early november I literally had no problems with that. But as soon as this mental plague hit me, it has been very difficult. The relief from watching girls in bikinis and getting an erection is just too big of a temptation. I will try to avoid it at all costs, but the weight that it lifts from my shoulders is enormous. If anyone has any more suggestions, I beg you to post them. I will be very thankful and you might save my life.
It is not uncommon for porn addicts to develop HOCD. This can feel very strange and confusing for example for straight men who suddenly find themselves getting excited by seeing other men, despite having zero doubts that they're straight. Know that you are not the only one experiencing these things. This is likely just one out of many consequences of overconsumption of porn (just like the ED you mentioned). The positive side of this is that these effects of porn consumption are only kept alive while the consumption continues. If you cease feeding the addicted part of your mind, then it is only a matter of time before these effects start to disappear, and it's not just me claiming that. You can find plenty of success stories on this forum from people who suffered from issues similar to the ones you describe, and who got rid of them by abstaining from porn. For example, take a look at this and this thread, or just search for "HOCD". In short, don't do anything drastic. You are not alone in your struggles.
Trying to be positive and having a desire to change is important. You know you want to change, and you can do it. You seem to know who you are deep down, so try and take a deep breath and remember that in difficult moments. You are not your thoughts and feelings, just the experiencer of them. Re-wire your sexual habits to healthy ones, maybe keep masturbating but just to girls in your imagination. And try not to overthink or worry about it too much, that will just add to the problem. Good luck and best wishes friend
Thank you for your kind and inspirational words. Interestingly enough, the thing that triggered this mental torture (trans P) does nothing to me at this point. I am glad that I got over that weird genre, but the consequences still remain. As I've said, girls are very attractive to me right now. Even a fully dressed woman gives me an erection if she is attractive enough. But this isn't enough for my mind. Even though a man has never turned me on and the thought of anything related to a man/male genitalia does nothing for me, I get anxiety spikes every time I see a man, no matter how unattractive he is. The other day my mind said this: "Look at that 90 year old bald guy, would you lick his bald head?". Did you read that? Yeah, that is my mental state right now. Literally youtubers I watched since childhood, give me anxiety. People I know my whole life give me anxiety. Hell, even my father is sometimes the culprit of these anxiety attacks. This emerged not 4 months ago and as I've said, it has been a losing battle for me. I wish this could stop and I had peace in my mind. I would literally give everything to get atleast 5 minutes of peace. I cry. A lot. I cry myself to sleep, I cry when I drive from work. I can't believe this is me. Funnily enough, my friends and family regard me as the most stable and mature guy they know. What a joke and fraud I am. This has been the worst period of my life and it seems that it will be like this for quite some time. I could blame all the things in the world, but it's me. I was and am weak, I didn't see the damage P did to me. This is entirely my fault and I hate myself for it. I really wish I could turn back time and give up P all those years ago. Right now I do not know what will become of me in the next few months. If things get even worse I don't think I will be around much longer. The thing that prevents me from doing it are my friends and family but I fear the time, when even that won't turn me away from that wall. I'm glad I wrote and "told" someone about this, it has been a huge weight lifted off my chest. So thanks again to all of you that decided to write something, it has been a huge help.
You seem to know who you are, but you're in a battle with your mind, which is thinking thoughts which aren't attuned to how you feel. Don't be a slave to your mind - the mind is a wonderful servant but a terrible master. Meditation might help, I would also check out David Goggins on youtube, the guy will get you motivated as hell. Things are not just going to change, you have to put the action in daily and consistently if you want things to change. When your mind has these thoughts, talk to your mind. Say, I'm in control, not you, and I don't want to think about this. I'm really sorry you're going through this man. Things can change, you can have an amazing life, but you need to put the effort in. Good luck and I hope tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life
https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/the-secret-technique-to-never-pmo-again.301816/ your welcome
You need therapy, there will be loads of underline issues and pain that have pushed you into addiction and fetish. Finding the right support will help you work through your trauma and build a healthy foundation. Just trying to not ejaculate with will power won’t deal with the cause of the issues. I’ve been seeing a psychotherapist for a while and am really starting to get somewhere. There will be things that a professional will spot that you’re not aware of. Everyone knows you aren’t gay and beating yourself up about it is what’s going to keep you punishing yourself trust me I’ve been there. Work on building your life up, planning, self soothes, learning new things. This will build confidence and you’ll learn to love yourself. What happened isn’t your fault. But trying to escape difficult emotions is what drives us to self sooth/addictions. Even after a few weeks of not acting out you will start to feel totally different. You don’t need to test yourself with checking out girls. You’re obviously into them. I soon escalate when I start looking at vanilla stuff as we’ve pushed the boundaries that much. But get yourself right and you’ll have a healthy sex life and can put a this behind you. I know how warn out and defeated it can be when you feel you have no control over it. But you’ve just got to keep getting up and fighting until your addiction can’t be bothered with the fight anymore. I’ve started to link all the pain, stress and effort it takes to relapse and it doesn’t really seem like an option that has any point. Your brain will try very hard to get you back to patterns it’s developed. But you’ll beat it dude
Hey dude, I'm no doctor in the slightest but what you described does sound like some sort of severe OCD. I understand the mental torture: I really do. Lexapro saved my life. Will you at least go see a therapist first? (You don't even have to tell them everything) All the best
1) Go see a therapist 2) Drop everything else for right now and take it easy (do something you find even minimal joy in).
Kol Your post is very serious. There are 3 questions you need to ask yourself and if you answer yes to everyone than you need to drop everything and call the number below: 1) have you thought of suicide? 2) have you thought of killing your self today? 3) do you have a plan! If you answer yes to all these, I beg you to log off and call right away. 1-800-273-8255 The world inside you feels dark and hopeless, but that is not the only world inside you. Let someone help you find that light again. you are not alone. I care. Others care.
To write a little update on my current situation, things aren't much better, but I'm slowly getting there: I'm still performing checking rituals. Fantasizing about women gets me excited very much very quickly, thinking about transgenders/men does nothing to me and the "excitement" from the previous fantasy (women) goes away. Literally thinking about simple wide hips or performing oral on a woman turns me on so much it's unbearable, but I try to not touch myself. Today was a good night, I had a dream about meeting a girl and making out with her. When we started to kiss, I could feel my penis literally get erect in 3 heartbeats. Past crushes and female friends are regulars in my dreams and always bring excitement to my mind and the downstairs area, but I can't remember when a simple kiss turned me on this much. I truly am happy to have found this site and YBOP. It saved my life. Anxiety and fear of being gay is still there, but it has diminished a little bit. I noticed that this thing is not limited to this topic. My mind keeps asking if I would have sex with old people, animals, if I would lick literal s**t in the bathroom, hurt my mom, etc. It's endless mind games, no matter how disgusting or degrading. I also had an encounter with a cute girl standing in a line in front of a store, and we made this strong eye contact. She was like smoking hot and never considered myself to be attractive enough to even get the attention of a girl like her, but she winked at me and I winked back. I still get tingling sensations from this situation. I also may have found a "reason" for all these thoughts. All my life I have been struggling with bad skin and bad self esteem, and everytime I would check out a woman or find some girl attractive, my mind would tell me "No one will like you. You are an ugly disgusting piece of shit and deserve to die alone." This created some predisposition that no girl finds me attractive. This was maybe caused by the fact I was made fun of by some girls on the bus, because of my acne on multiple occasions. I would compare myself to other dudes and always thought every one was better than me. Having an abusive father in my childhood also doesn't add much help to this situation. There are many more reasons and problems I have found during a deep dive into my past and my mind, but I won't list them all. I am thinking of getting professional help for my mental problems, crippling anxiety being one of them. To sum up, I am better. Not by much, but I am slowly getting there. Work has also become more enjoyable. I have deleted Instagram and Facebook and try (unsuccessfully) to avoid nudes, but the checking ritual is the next thing that is getting eliminated. Slow steps will get me there. I again thank you all for your kind words and inspiration.
First of all, you are very brave for posting this here. But please, please go see a therapist. Ive been in very dark places as well, almost jumped into a train. A therapist has helped me inmensely. Second. You show signs of HOCD, doing hardmode nofap will help you get rid of it. But for the love of God, please dont kill yourself and seek therapy. You may be in a dark place, but you will get out of it, believe me. Also, if you are insecure about your body, you should hit the gym/start a begginer calisthenics routine. It will help you a lot. At least it did to me. Tonight one of my prayers will be for you, I hope and pray that you get out of that dark place.
Theres some deep level stuff at work here mate, Sounds like your beyond internet postive reinforcement from strangers. Find a good therapist that suits your challenges. It probably wont be the first therapist you try but dont let that put you off. You will eventaully find someone thats qualified to untangle your mental state. Dont throw your life away because you have some crossed wires that can be put right with the correct guidance by a professional.
You have obviously a advanced form of HOCD. Do you not think that seeing a therapist would be the best decision?
