New to NoFap and I am confused, curious, scared and challenged

Hi, here comes my take of the NoFap. I need to get this off my chest somehow so bear with me.

Yesterday I relapsed and nutted twice. Later that day out of luck I met with my ex girlfriend we made peace and I stayed at hers but the sex was different she said asking me if I layed with someone else. I can definitely say it would have been more pleasant if I "saved my ammo".

The topic of NoFap is not so straightforward for me. Thats for two reasons:

1. Useless habits
   
   
2. Willpower fatigue
   
   Useless habits

I spent more than half of my freetime on useless shit to be honest. Short term fun like a mouse hitting the dopamine button until it passes out. I started to slowly make better use of my time, started o learn how to code, I dared to start college in computer science at the age of 28! I have cut down on the bullshit during the semester about 20% and in the holidays about 5%. Imagine if we were able to cut out all the bullshit habits. I already achieved so much by dedicating little time to something useful.

I dont even mean time to relax or giving the body and mind time to recover. Don't get me wrong here every man has the right to relax from time to time. But for me I can criticise habits like

- Watching series or movies on end

- Smoking

- Smoke weed (sometimes helps with math problems but only once a month or so)

- Fapping

- Excessively play video games

-browsing reddit on end

-watching youtube on end

- Visit people for no reason and "just hang out" doing nothing

Playing table tennis from dusk till dawn only to not give a shit about tasks that have to be done (okay this one is at least sporty but believe me, that overdoing it can also affect you)

2. Willpower fatigue

Stopping to smoke takes willpower. Not fapping, again; takes willpower. Going through your textbook and try to learn what the professor expects you to takes willpower. Me trying to teach myself to code takes so much willpower, I still havent started on my own and just get spoonfed by the professors.

Willpower is real effort. Maybe I confuse it with discipline but you can exchange these words with one another it wont make a difference to me.

If I dont smoke, I cant not masturbate.

If I dont fap I cant not smoke.

And so on. You can't go infinitely hard on yourself. What is your take on this? Do you think it trains like a muscle?

I think it does and I think I am like someone that goes to the gym for the first time and cannot lift anything. Only that the lifting is done with my mind.

I am scared. Scared that My mind is irreversibly fucked. Scared that the deprivation of love and care in my childhood lead to something that cant be changed.

Duality of a man

At the same time next to this scaredness, I see a real challenge. Like a climber seeing a mountain he is excited to climb.

I too am excited to see what this challenge brings. I try to focus on the positive thing here bein the challenge rather than my aforementioned fear.

Thank you for your attention I needed to get this off my chest and I already feel better.

Heinrich; Day 1

Note: For some reason I wasnt able to post this on reddit but fine at least personal info doesnt show up on my reddit