I wrote this late at night, so I apologise for any spelling or grammatical errors. I also want to put a disclaimer here that my sexuality and mental state is pretty fucked up and you might take offense or think that I'm a freak. My problems go way deeper than PMO. I'm 27, soon to be 28 years old. I live in a small town in Sweden with my girlfriend and our dog. Everyone around me thinks I live a normal life. I work, have an education in music, play in a band, play videogames and spend time with my girlfriend and my dog. I've been together with my girlfriend for almost 10 years, and she has no clue that I'm seriously addicted to PMO. Up until I started with NoFap, I pretty much started each day by fapping to porn, and it was the last thing I did before I went to sleep. Altough, since I moved in with my girlfriend it got better, mainly because I can't fap to porn when she's around (I've been looking at porn without fapping at every single opportunity though). She doesn't know anything of what I am about to tell you. She hates porn and would leave me if she found out that I've been watching it during our whole relationship. I'm an hardcore PMO addict of 15 years. Over these 15 years, PMO has been my mental "savior" (I'll explain later). But I have payed for it. Constant brain fog and tiredness. Can't concentrate for long and I feel like I'm in a dream world where I just go along the journey of life without really becoming a part of it. I've kept this a secret, and I doubt anyone even thinks that I have this problem. I've become a good actor, because my problems go way deeper than just PMO. This is the first time I ever tell my story. My story starts when I was around 13. You see, I've had two fetishes since I was a kid, they're not something that has evolved from porn. I think that I differ from alot of other people in this regard. I havn't really changed my "taste" much when it comes to porn, even though I've probably PMO'd an average of 2-4 times per day the last 15 years. My sexuality was really wierd and "hardcore" from the beginning... First off, I have a foot fetish, which is atleast somewhat normal. Ever since I was a kid, I've looked at girls/womens feet. Over the last 15 years I've looked at feet every single day, obsessed with them, be it online or on the street. I had an account on instagram where I followed around 800 footmodels. I saved the pictures I liked and then categorized them into different folders depending on what was in the picture. I must have spent around an hour per day (minumum) doing this for about 4-5 years. I've also looked at feet on both youtube and regular pornsites for about an hour per day. Although my girlfriend lets me "do my thing" to her beautiful feet, I've always had a hard time enjoying it. Watching pictures and porn online arouse me more, which is a good indicator that something is indeed wrong with me. I've never had any problem to get an erection though, but cumming has been a problem alot of times. On to my other fetish, and here's where it gets wierd and deeply personal. Don't judge me too hard. I had my first orgasm while I was pretending to be an amputee at around 13 years old. One of my friends showed me that you could put your pants on with your knees first, making you look like a double amputee. I must have been around 6-7 years old when this took place. I remember putting my left knee in and had my right leg as normal so that it looked like my left leg was amputated above the knee. I then walked upstairs to show my mother how funny it looked, and she screamed at me to stop doing that and that one should not pretend to be an amputee. That incident is what I think started this fetish for me. It was something "forbidden". Later on I would incorperate my amputee pretending when I played with friends. I used to play with a girl and we pretended together. For her it was just a game, but for me it was something special. I remember that my dick got hard when I pretended, but I didn't know why at the time. I would later realise that I was horny. Later on when I started watching porn online I would look for pictures of amputee women (and sometimes men, even though I'm straight. But it's the amputation itself that makes me aroused). I've PMO'd watching movies and picture of all kinds of amputations. And these are the two fetishes I've always PMO'd to. My interests have never changed over these 15 years of porn addiction. But as I said in the beginning, my problems go deeper than just PMO. There's a mental disorder called BIID, Body integrity identity disorder, which I suffer from. I've only told one person about this, and she's a scientist who researches the disorder. For me the disorder comes in waves, I can go months without feeling anything, but then it hits me like a train again. You see, I want my left leg to be amputated right above the knee. I genuinly feel that benath that point, the leg doesn't belong to me or my body. And that together with the fact that I'm turned on by both other amputees and the though of being one myself, makes it very, very hard to handle (Most people who suffer from BIID arn't turned on by amputees). I found out early on that I can control this urge if I PMO alot. Then I don't think about it as much and therefor I've called PMO "my savior". I'm terrified to be labeled as a freak so I havn't dared seeking proffessional help for this. I'm now on day 30 of NoFap and I really feel better overall and I'm extremely proud of my achievement, I think I've manged about 1 day prior to this. BUT, I'm slowly getting the BIID feelings back. I've kept them under control over the years by becoming numb from PMO, but now when life returns to my body and mind, so does my BIID. I can feel exactly where my left leg should end, and I'm thinking more and more about my desire to become an amputee. I'm too afraid to do anything about it myself, but I'm constantly hoping for something to happen so I have to amputate it. My hope is that when I reach my goal with NoFap, atleast my porn addiction will be gone and I will be able to enjoy sex with my girlfriend to the same level (or even better) that I've enjoyed PMO. I have low hopes for my BIID to be affected by it, but hey, atleast I get one problem of my mind. I want to find proffessional help for the BIIID, but to do that I first have to tell my girlfriend about it, and I'm afraid she will react badly to it and leave me thinking I'm a freak. Deep down in my heart though, I think she would support me, but I dare not take the chance. Thank you for reading, and again - don't judge me too hard. This is the first time I really tell anyone my story and I hope by doing so I can become a better and more sane person. Perhaps I can help someone, if there's anyone at all who shares feelings similar to mine. It feels so nice to finally get all this off my chest!