New to NoFap, telling my story for the first time...

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Ztomtenz, Jul 28, 2018.

  1. Ztomtenz

    Ztomtenz Fapstronaut

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    I wrote this late at night, so I apologise for any spelling or grammatical errors. I also want to put a disclaimer here that my sexuality and mental state is pretty fucked up and you might take offense or think that I'm a freak. My problems go way deeper than PMO.

    I'm 27, soon to be 28 years old. I live in a small town in Sweden with my girlfriend and our dog. Everyone around me thinks I live a normal life. I work, have an education in music, play in a band, play videogames and spend time with my girlfriend and my dog. I've been together with my girlfriend for almost 10 years, and she has no clue that I'm seriously addicted to PMO.

    Up until I started with NoFap, I pretty much started each day by fapping to porn, and it was the last thing I did before I went to sleep. Altough, since I moved in with my girlfriend it got better, mainly because I can't fap to porn when she's around (I've been looking at porn without fapping at every single opportunity though). She doesn't know anything of what I am about to tell you. She hates porn and would leave me if she found out that I've been watching it during our whole relationship.

    I'm an hardcore PMO addict of 15 years. Over these 15 years, PMO has been my mental "savior" (I'll explain later). But I have payed for it. Constant brain fog and tiredness. Can't concentrate for long and I feel like I'm in a dream world where I just go along the journey of life without really becoming a part of it. I've kept this a secret, and I doubt anyone even thinks that I have this problem. I've become a good actor, because my problems go way deeper than just PMO. This is the first time I ever tell my story.

    My story starts when I was around 13. You see, I've had two fetishes since I was a kid, they're not something that has evolved from porn. I think that I differ from alot of other people in this regard. I havn't really changed my "taste" much when it comes to porn, even though I've probably PMO'd an average of 2-4 times per day the last 15 years. My sexuality was really wierd and "hardcore" from the beginning...

    First off, I have a foot fetish, which is atleast somewhat normal. Ever since I was a kid, I've looked at girls/womens feet. Over the last 15 years I've looked at feet every single day, obsessed with them, be it online or on the street. I had an account on instagram where I followed around 800 footmodels. I saved the pictures I liked and then categorized them into different folders depending on what was in the picture. I must have spent around an hour per day (minumum) doing this for about 4-5 years. I've also looked at feet on both youtube and regular pornsites for about an hour per day. Although my girlfriend lets me "do my thing" to her beautiful feet, I've always had a hard time enjoying it. Watching pictures and porn online arouse me more, which is a good indicator that something is indeed wrong with me. I've never had any problem to get an erection though, but cumming has been a problem alot of times.

    On to my other fetish, and here's where it gets wierd and deeply personal. Don't judge me too hard.

    I had my first orgasm while I was pretending to be an amputee at around 13 years old. One of my friends showed me that you could put your pants on with your knees first, making you look like a double amputee. I must have been around 6-7 years old when this took place. I remember putting my left knee in and had my right leg as normal so that it looked like my left leg was amputated above the knee. I then walked upstairs to show my mother how funny it looked, and she screamed at me to stop doing that and that one should not pretend to be an amputee. That incident is what I think started this fetish for me. It was something "forbidden". Later on I would incorperate my amputee pretending when I played with friends. I used to play with a girl and we pretended together. For her it was just a game, but for me it was something special. I remember that my dick got hard when I pretended, but I didn't know why at the time. I would later realise that I was horny. Later on when I started watching porn online I would look for pictures of amputee women (and sometimes men, even though I'm straight. But it's the amputation itself that makes me aroused). I've PMO'd watching movies and picture of all kinds of amputations.

    And these are the two fetishes I've always PMO'd to. My interests have never changed over these 15 years of porn addiction. But as I said in the beginning, my problems go deeper than just PMO.

    There's a mental disorder called BIID, Body integrity identity disorder, which I suffer from. I've only told one person about this, and she's a scientist who researches the disorder. For me the disorder comes in waves, I can go months without feeling anything, but then it hits me like a train again. You see, I want my left leg to be amputated right above the knee. I genuinly feel that benath that point, the leg doesn't belong to me or my body. And that together with the fact that I'm turned on by both other amputees and the though of being one myself, makes it very, very hard to handle (Most people who suffer from BIID arn't turned on by amputees). I found out early on that I can control this urge if I PMO alot. Then I don't think about it as much and therefor I've called PMO "my savior". I'm terrified to be labeled as a freak so I havn't dared seeking proffessional help for this.

    I'm now on day 30 of NoFap and I really feel better overall and I'm extremely proud of my achievement, I think I've manged about 1 day prior to this. BUT, I'm slowly getting the BIID feelings back. I've kept them under control over the years by becoming numb from PMO, but now when life returns to my body and mind, so does my BIID. I can feel exactly where my left leg should end, and I'm thinking more and more about my desire to become an amputee. I'm too afraid to do anything about it myself, but I'm constantly hoping for something to happen so I have to amputate it.

    My hope is that when I reach my goal with NoFap, atleast my porn addiction will be gone and I will be able to enjoy sex with my girlfriend to the same level (or even better) that I've enjoyed PMO. I have low hopes for my BIID to be affected by it, but hey, atleast I get one problem of my mind. I want to find proffessional help for the BIIID, but to do that I first have to tell my girlfriend about it, and I'm afraid she will react badly to it and leave me thinking I'm a freak. Deep down in my heart though, I think she would support me, but I dare not take the chance.

    Thank you for reading, and again - don't judge me too hard. This is the first time I really tell anyone my story and I hope by doing so I can become a better and more sane person. Perhaps I can help someone, if there's anyone at all who shares feelings similar to mine.

    It feels so nice to finally get all this off my chest!
     
  2. Hugoalsace

    Hugoalsace Fapstronaut

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    What an interesting story. To have managed 30 days after such a sexual history is a big achievement. You should congratulate yourself and look to push on
     
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  3. Ztomtenz

    Ztomtenz Fapstronaut

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    Thank you!
     
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  4. Bflataaron

    Bflataaron Fapstronaut

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    Your progress is very encouraging. I share very similar issues (except for the amputee thing) but the foot fetish thing is definitely big for me. I've been with my wife for 15 years (dated for seven and married for 8). She absolutley HATES the fact that I have to look when a beautiful pair of feet walk by. Abstaining from PMO can be tough to handle when you could literally be anywhere and the right pair of feet enters into your proximity and could put you into a downward spiral so kudos to you for going more than 30 days.
     
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  5. kinkaddict92

    kinkaddict92 Fapstronaut

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    Oh my god! I can so relate to your foot fetish thing. I have the same fetish for feet and like Bflataaron mentioned it is so hard to avoid coming into contact with feet since they are everywhere. I hardly get aroused and have never been aroused with plain kissing and vanilla sex, but the moment I see pretty feet, I get very hard. My situation is a lot similar to yours. Please read my post as well. We all seem to be wired towards kink before discovering porn. As for the amputee thing read Jesse Berring's book "Perv- The Sexual Deviant in all of Us". It has some great information about that particular condition and you might be able to relate to it. Stay strong!!
     
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  6. Ztomtenz

    Ztomtenz Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for reading my post, it means alot! It sure is a struggle doing nofap and trying to stop PMO when you have a foot fetish. Like you guys said, feet and sexy shoes are om display EVERYWHERE. On the TV, at the local supermarket, on the street, social media - you name it. I’m on day 39 today. The struggle is real, I don’t think I’ve ever done anything as mentally demanding as nofap. I’ve noticed a slight change in my foot fetish - my ”standards” have gone down and right now I pretty much get aroused by any female foot, as long as it’s somewhat nice looking. Before this I used to be extremly picky!

    The more days i do nofap, the more I find myself having to fight the urge to ”just take a peak” at feet. I’ve deleted my foot fetish - instagram account, but I still have my main one. I’ve never used that to look for feet, but now I find myself casually looking at random female accounts just to see if they have a picture that contains some feet. The worst thing about it is that I do it somewhat unconsciously. As soon as I realize what I’m actually doing, I stop. Doing nofap after 13 years of hardcore PMOing is so hard, and my brain is constantly trying to trick me into a relapse.

    I too need feet to get off during sex, just like you guys. Vanilla stuff doesn’t really do it for me either. I did however notice an improvement last night when I had sex with my girlfriend. I could actually get off from a handjob without her feet being in my face - so things are slowly going forward!

    Thank you for the book recommendation kinkaddict92, I’ll see if I can get ahold of it! I read your story aswell , and I can relate to it 100%!

    Keep on fighting guys, you can do this! And thank you again for reading my story. It really means alot. I can’t share my addiction or speak about it with anyone I know IRL, so this helps alot!

    Interestingly my BIID feelings are actually really low right now, which is nice. It would be a dream come true if they are just PMO related and not something deeper, bit it’s to early to say.

    Thanks!
     
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  7. gymasian

    gymasian Fapstronaut

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    Keep it up, brother! I'm new here too, and I know how hard addictions can be.
     
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  8. kinkaddict92

    kinkaddict92 Fapstronaut

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    Hey man yes I get you. It's very hard to do PMO when you have a foot fetish. I believe you live in Sweden right? I suppose it is cold except in summer so women generally have shoes on. I live in a country with a tropical climate! Women are always wearing open toed footwear, it's crazy. There are feet everywhere. I am now on my 19th day and I don't see any difference as far as my foot fetish is concerned. I am like you, I don't like just about any female feet, I am extremely picky about them.

    It is great to hear that maybe your fetish is weakening and that you are able to orgasm without using much of it. Please do let me know if it has improved further and if you make any improvements in the future. I still unconsciously or sub-consciously look at a woman's feet whether in real life or in pictures. I remember doing that from as far back as my memory goes and it is firmly ingrained into me. I doubt whether any kind of reboot is going to change that wiring, but I don't really hate my foot fetish. I think many women are open to it and like it even. I just want to be able to enjoy it along with normal, healthy, amazing sex.
     
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  9. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Hello and welcome to the forum!
    Feel free to read around and I'd recommend starting a journal to document your own personal recovery and thoughts, it has been very helpful to lots of people.
    I have a huge list of resources as does @AnonymousAnnaXOXO in her tag line (if you are on a phone, turn sideways to see) if you have any questions please feel free to ask.
    Also remember that your milage may vary so don't compare yourself to anyone else.
    We are all unique and on a crazy journey together...
    Here for support and help in healing because we all ended up in this craziness together.
    Good luck!
    -Kenzi
     
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  10. Ztomtenz

    Ztomtenz Fapstronaut

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    Hey!

    I totally understand you, where do you live? We've had the warmest and longest summer in Sweden that I've experienced. That combined with doing nofap and having a Foot Fetish has been a struggle for sure! I can't wait for the weather to get colder (never thought I'd ever think that, lol) so that I don't see feet everywhere. I went to a restaurant to get lunch today, and the waitress had incredible feet. My collegue must have wondered what the hell I was looking at when I followed her feet with my eyes whenever she came close to our table. But I just can't help myself. I don't know if this will ever change, nor if I really want it to. Like you said aswell,I don't really hate my foot fetish and I don't really want it to change, I just want to experience other aspects of sex aswell.

    I'm on day 46 today. I keep unconsiously looking at feet in real life or on instagram, etc. That does not seem to go away any time soon. I did however noticed something else this morning when I walked to work. I genuinly felt in love and attracted to my girlfriend for the first time in a loooong time. I've been numb for so long! Later on during my walk I had to stop to wait for a train to pass, and what do you think rolls up next to me on a bike? A girl with supernice feel on display in open toed sandals. But here's the thing - I looked at them and though - "Nice feet, but I prefer my girlfriends!"

    I have NEVER, EVER had that though before. So NoFapis definately working! Keep it up man!
     
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  11. Ztomtenz

    Ztomtenz Fapstronaut

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    Hi and thank you for your reply!

    I will do that for sure, where do I create a journal?

    I'll definately check those resources out, thanks!

    Keep on fighting!
     
  12. ├Revenant┤Lucid

    ├Revenant┤Lucid Fapstronaut

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    What most get my attention when I browse the New to Nofap section, is someone who's willing to show vulnerability.
    I'm not the guy who is okay with just throwing empty motivational stuff. When I speak I intend to make people brainstorm right away.

    Now that I know you are commited to facing your discomforts, its much more probable I won't waste my time here.

    No matter how boring your day may have been , record your thoughts about it. The trivial will amount meaningfullness if you do it consistently, life works like that.

    Progressing on the PMO spectrum is measured by how frequently you are able to not act on your impulses. It will make you more stressed and impair the way you deal with your routine. You want to keep regret levels low, but refusing PMO will irritate your instinctive side. Keep it in check and the real lesson from these training grounds will become clearer.

    Wisdom is the timely application of knowledge.
     
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  13. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Under journals 25-30section I think is your age group, correct? Have a good day!
     
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  14. Dontask

    Dontask Fapstronaut

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    To be honest I didn’t read your story and just came here to wish you Huge strength! I hope you will achieve your goals and we will see you posting in “Success stories” forum! Good luck!
     
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  15. Ztomtenz

    Ztomtenz Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your words Lucid Kazekuro, Kenzi and Dontask!
     
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  16. kinkaddict92

    kinkaddict92 Fapstronaut

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    Hey! That's the first time I have ever heard a Scandinavian say he can't wait for the weather to get colder!! :)

    I was in India during the summer. However, I am moving to Central Europe very soon. It's the same for me too! Just can't stop looking at feet. I rarely check out a woman's breasts it is always the feet. Hahaha and like you say, I don't really want to get rid of it either. We are unique, why become like the rest? :) And, in my experience, although many women might not be into it, there are many who love it and lots more who don't mind it. So we are good I guess. And your girlfriend doesn't mind your foot fetish right? So it's all fine. All we need is to be able to enjoy other sexual activities as well and for me the main aim is to rewire my brain towards real women and develop more sensitivity in my penis and my body to feel more pleasure! :)
     
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  17. Ztomtenz

    Ztomtenz Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the reply, hope you are well and that you are fighting strong! We as fellow foot fetishists are in this together!

    Ah ok! I’d struggle ever worse in india I think, since I’m so fond if toerings! Good job doing NoFap in a country like that man! Kudos!

    It’s always the feet, constantly. That won’t ever change, but as you say, it would be nice if it could revolve more around real women and not just on screens! Right now I struggle with keeping away from instagram. The most casual picture for someone ”normal” makes me want to relapse. If there’s a female foot in it, I can’t help myself and before I know it I’m browsing her page for more glimpses. But I usually realise what I’m doing and stop.

    My urge to PMO has been HUGE the last few days. I saw a weather report on TV yestersay, and the woman doing it had heels on. Instant urge to google her, wikifeet her, instagram her and i got so horny just looking at her heels it was nuts. But I resisted the temptation!

    My Girlfriend is very accepting of my fetish and enjoys it aswell. She likes having her feet licked and kissed. But I still have trouble enjoying real sex as much as I enjoy Porn and feet on the screen. I’m starting to realise more and more how absolutely fuck up that is. It’s crazy that I’ve had this addiction for so long without noticing it. I wonder what life would have been without PMO...
     
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  18. kinkaddict92

    kinkaddict92 Fapstronaut

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    Ohh we are different in this regard. LOL. I hate toe rings!! You would never be able to do NoFap in India if you love toerings trust me.

    I am on day 24 today. But I have never had an overwhelming desire to M or O. But keeping away from porn or erotica, that is a bit tricky. What constitutes porn for us?? It could be something as innocuous as a billboard on the street with a model advertising something wearing heels or barefoot, it could be a news girl like you mentioned or the profile photo of a girl on a messaging app. It's impossible to place any boundaries against such things unless we decide to go to the Amazon forest or something.

    So what I have been concentrating on is not lingering on the images for too long when I come across them. But I can't help it sometimes, I look at it and suddenly get turned on. So I think it's vitally important for us not to touch ourselves for even a second when this happens. I guess by doing that, we at least send a message to our brain that there is no reward coming it's way from any kind of picture or image. However, if this happens when you look at your girlfriend's feet, you can get intimate with her and this would rewire your brain towards the feet of real woman and not pictures.

    And I so relate to you about the Instagram thing. To counter that, I logged out from Instagram and deleted the app itself from my phone two days ago. I think you should try that too. It makes things a lot easier. Let me know what you think.
     
  19. Ztomtenz

    Ztomtenz Fapstronaut

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    Good job on reaching day 24!

    You are so right. For us theres ”porn” everywhere, even in the most innocent places. I’ll try your advice out and see if it works, thanks for the tip!

    I’m on day 51 today. I’ve noticed a big difference today - I’ve actually been aroused by just seeing my GF barefoot in out apartment. Before I’ve liked it, but not like this. I’ve actually had an urge to have sex with her today. Before this, sex has sort of been something I’ve thought or are a chore, simply because I’m fucked up by PMO. But today I geniunly felt horny and wanted to have sex with my GF.

    I’m seeing HUGE improvement!

    Oh and btw, about the toe-rings. Thank god I’m not doing NoFap in India then!
     
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  20. kinkaddict92

    kinkaddict92 Fapstronaut

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    Hey man! That's great. I am on day 41 now. I had kept away from dating too all this while. Planning to start dating again after day 60 and start rewiring myself to actual girls. I have been seeing improvements too, though my libido is not hyperactive like before, I do get erections occasionally when I think about or come across attractive girls.

    How is it going with you? How are foot fetish, your feelings towards your GF and avoiding PMO going?
     

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