I feel like I need to explain where all this started. Please keep in mind I'm brand new to all this and never really thought I had an addiction until tonight. When I was a young child I was raped for 4 years straight by 2 different people. The first was a much older man in his 50's the second was a teenager. I was absolutely horrified. However, the longer it went on because of people not believing me the more I found I enjoyed it too and extent. At 16 I had my first true relationship with a man in his very early 20's we dated for quite some time. As our relationship progressed he became more open about the fact that he was into BDSM. At this point I had heard of different "things" with in that particular community but never experience any of it. We experimented with many different aspects and I found quite a few things that got my motor running, so to speak. One of the the biggest things I learned was that I'm in to rope bondage (being tied up) and asphyxiation (being choked). I found giving up all control was what turned me on the most. But like all good things or relationship came to an end because he wanted to move out of state but I wasn't ready. After our split I found myself looking up BDSM porn frequently on the internet and masturbating every time. It started with watching and then masturbating in the shower afterwards to taking my computer into the bathroom and setting it next to the tub and masturbating before my shower. At this point in my life I find myself looking up rape fantasy porn multiple times a day and masturbating either in my shower, in my bedroom, or where ever the mood strikes me. I only noticed tonight that I have a problem because my 4 yr olds half brother is spending the weekend and as I was masturbating I heard them run down the hall from his bedroom and found myself scrambling to get myself decent. I felt like the young kid who gets caught masturbating by their parents for the first time. Sorry for the novel but I felt like I needed to explain where things seem to have gone down hill. At this point in time I'm 27 years old and a mother of 4. Anybody have ideas on where to start? Anything and everything will be helpful and well appreciated. If you actually took the time to read this in it's entirely I thank you from the bottom of my heart.