New to this

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by CanineOrc, Dec 30, 2017.

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  1. CanineOrc

    CanineOrc Fapstronaut

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    I feel like I need to explain where all this started. Please keep in mind I'm brand new to all this and never really thought I had an addiction until tonight.

    When I was a young child I was raped for 4 years straight by 2 different people. The first was a much older man in his 50's the second was a teenager. I was absolutely horrified. However, the longer it went on because of people not believing me the more I found I enjoyed it too and extent.

    At 16 I had my first true relationship with a man in his very early 20's we dated for quite some time. As our relationship progressed he became more open about the fact that he was into BDSM. At this point I had heard of different "things" with in that particular community but never experience any of it.

    We experimented with many different aspects and I found quite a few things that got my motor running, so to speak. One of the the biggest things I learned was that I'm in to rope bondage (being tied up) and asphyxiation (being choked).

    I found giving up all control was what turned me on the most. But like all good things or relationship came to an end because he wanted to move out of state but I wasn't ready.

    After our split I found myself looking up BDSM porn frequently on the internet and masturbating every time. It started with watching and then masturbating in the shower afterwards to taking my computer into the bathroom and setting it next to the tub and masturbating before my shower.

    At this point in my life I find myself looking up rape fantasy porn multiple times a day and masturbating either in my shower, in my bedroom, or where ever the mood strikes me.

    I only noticed tonight that I have a problem because my 4 yr olds half brother is spending the weekend and as I was masturbating I heard them run down the hall from his bedroom and found myself scrambling to get myself decent. I felt like the young kid who gets caught masturbating by their parents for the first time.

    Sorry for the novel but I felt like I needed to explain where things seem to have gone down hill. At this point in time I'm 27 years old and a mother of 4. Anybody have ideas on where to start?

    Anything and everything will be helpful and well appreciated. If you actually took the time to read this in it's entirely I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
     
    Last edited: Dec 31, 2017
  2. Ongoingsupport

    Ongoingsupport Fapstronaut

    Welcome. Thank you for the frank share, which is really not so long and to the point - very essential. If you don't mind me asking, are you in therapy? Maybe there are some with a similar background with more time rebooting who will chime in, but I wonder if quitting PMO would not be just kind of an adjunct to deeper work...
     
  3. CanineOrc

    CanineOrc Fapstronaut

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    @Ongoingsupport I'm no longer in therapy as the last therapist I saw pretty much let me go saying that there wasn't anything more he could do I had to do the rest on my own
     
  4. Ongoingsupport

    Ongoingsupport Fapstronaut

    Ok, I wonder if they gave you good directions on what doing the rest means or should involve..
     
  5. Former_CD

    Former_CD Fapstronaut

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  6. Dr_prof

    Dr_prof Fapstronaut

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    Welcome @CanineOrc . You have been both very brave and honest and its well appreciated. this is a great site to get support and reflections from other users.
     
  7. Hi @CanineOrc
    Glad you are here. And very welcome to join us in our journey to a healthy, fulfilling life without any self harming habits.
    I've been involved in femdom-porn myself. It's truly possible to quit it completely.

    It's a safe place here. We all are in the same boat, so there is no single space for judgement here.
    Maybe it's a good idea to keep a journal. Sharing your struggles, thoughts and feelings may help you to understand the underlying issues.

    Keep coming back and get the most effort out of nofap!
    You don't need to do it alone!

    I wish you lots of luck!
     
  8. CanineOrc

    CanineOrc Fapstronaut

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    Thank you everyone for the encouragement. That is not something I come by regularly in day to day life
     
  9. E.liberated

    E.liberated Fapstronaut

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    welcome here and best luck to you. Quite a story you have behind you. I am a little taken that your therapist just let you go. I think there is a lot a therapist and good work can do. It jumps into my eyes directly the correlation between what you experienced and what you now desire. I think this is very common. I heard that girls think this is what they like because they seek to connect to what they experienced so they can heal it. But underlying is a trauma. I had to resolve traumas in my life and know how what I liked and how I looked at the world changed after I could heal the traumas. I wish you the very best here
     
  10. CanineOrc

    CanineOrc Fapstronaut

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    I have heard the same thing from varying therapists and psychiatrists. I am thinking he let me go because we seemed to be beating a dead horse so to speak because he wanted me to try and remember the parts of my childhood that I have blocked (which is most of it if not all of it) and Everytime I hit that metaphorical brick wall I couldn't get passed it. I don't know if it was just that I couldn't or if I was subconsciously not allowing myself but it was just making me more anxious, frustrated, and upset and seemed to be frustrating him as well
     
  11. E.liberated

    E.liberated Fapstronaut

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    This sounds like you did not have the right therapist or the right match. He should never be frustrated. Maybe he caused that you did not open. Don’t give up seeking. Find people whom you trust and opening up will truly help freeing you. Best luck.
    I for example had lost my father at a early stage in my life and was very alone. I then did not feel pain because I arranged my life so I did not have to. I had a therapist because of other symptoms. It took time until we got to the points. Some things need to mature. My life changed after that.
    I had a girlfriend who always blocked me when I was tender instead of rough. She always wanted me to be rough. But I did not want this always. So there was a block and continued hitting this point it became clear that she had a abuse situation in her childhood too. So this prevented from having a nice encounter. After this cleared we did.
     
  12. E.liberated

    E.liberated Fapstronaut

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    I can imagine also a lot of femdom and Bdsm desire comes with hidden revenge feelings underneath. Maybe there is therapeutic value. Not sure.
     
  13. CanineOrc

    CanineOrc Fapstronaut

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    It's definitely food for thought
     
  14. E.liberated

    E.liberated Fapstronaut

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    I never thought I would like this. But in edging what I developed I went under a lot of bars I would never think I would go underneath. I did watch in my end phase and could see how aggressive or abusive the girls often are and how much they enjoy the guy being humiliated. I thought it makes sense that she acts out what hate and frustration she has.
     
  15. CanineOrc

    CanineOrc Fapstronaut

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    I personally seem to find enjoyment (even if brief) being submissive (even though I'm generally a door mat) and on dinner rare occasions I find (brief enjoyment) in being dominant but caring at the same time. Best way I can describe it is almost being like an over bearing parent.
     
  16. E.liberated

    E.liberated Fapstronaut

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    So you keep the caring aspect up. That’s nice. Doormat I am sorry to hear. It looks like many men are into this. And I am surprised how many girls respond to it
     
  17. CanineOrc

    CanineOrc Fapstronaut

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    Being a door mat is something I wish and strive to over come so far with no luck.
     
    Last edited: Dec 31, 2017
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  18. Start working on your insecurity and low self-esteem.
    That's the source for most problems in our lifes.
    Maybe there is a huge pain behind that wall you described, but you will see as you go along this process.

    An onion has a kernel too. To reach that kernel all the layers has to be pulled of first.
    With hour heart it's quiet the same.
     
  19. Fascinating read. Welcome.
     

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