No sex with wife in 6 years.

Just wanted to chime in here. Ronin, you are absolutely spot on with this. I have seen and read soooo many stories about marriage and relationship issues where the woman "loses her libido" and has no idea why, but then they leave their partners or have an affair with someone else (almost always a more confident, assertive, bold, even kind of jerkish guy) and find a libido they thought they lost. Or a more obvious example, there will be in a sexless marriage where the guy is so caring and understanding, the woman has no idea why her libido for him is gone, yet she is unbelievably turned on reading 50 shades of gray. As Ronin put it, women do not fully understand what they are sexually attracted to (this is a good thing evolutionarily speaking). Haven't you ever seen a really ugly guy with a gorgeous girl, but the guy just exudes confidence and charisma? The girl will project attractiveness onto the man that she can only describe in a physical way, because that is what she sees. Case in point - Salman Rushdie.

Men and women's brains are wired completely differently for attraction. It's a biological fact. Men are much more attracted to physical traits of fitness and fertility and rate that much more important in sexual attraction. Women are much more sexually attracted to things like confidence, charisma, humor, status, etc. in men (ie traits that make the men more successful in life and more able provide). Physical fitness is only but one of many traits that matters to most women, and not even that much. They will say it matters, but then date a short, fat, bald guy. I could go into the whole evolutionary, mammalian biology, explanation, but I'll save both you and myself the time.

Here's the problem. Men think that because they are attracted to certain traits, then women must be also. This is not true. However, it is often the result of getting in shape that gives men the confidence, energy, boldness, and drive in life, and fundamentally, that is what attracts women. It's sad that this was all common knowledge not more than 50-60 years ago and has been lost in the ether of pseudo-scientific thought as of late.

Anyways, the point is, if you'd like to reignite your wife's libido and get back to the days where you both had attraction for one another, you not only should get in shape, but should build your confidence and self-esteem, build on your social skills, be more assertive, make more decisions around the house, don't be afraid to say no to your wife if you don't agree with her about something, be unashamed and open about your needs, flirt more, tease your wife more, stop porn and masturbation! Don't expect that your love and understanding will make her love and understand you equally. Again, this is faulty thinking because what makes men and women attracted are different. No amount of love and understanding from you will re-ignite passion back into your marriage. in fact, it will likely kill it further. Most men, at the realization that their partner's interest/attraction is waning will throw even more love and understanding at their partner, thinking that will subsequently make her love him again, but it pretty much never works, and only turns her off more. This is supplicating and needy behavior.

I know it's controversial to say, but in order for a woman to feel attraction for her man, she needs to feel like he is a winner, like other women want him too, like he could easily find someone else if she were to leave him. Again, I could go into the whole evolutionary, biological explanation, but i'll save you that. What you need though is to understand this and let it change your behavior so you can be more attractive for your wife and save your marriage.

 

I'm so sorry for that. This unimaginable thing of not having sex with your wife does happen. If you find hope for yourself then the same thing goes to your marriage. Start working on it now- one at a time. I'm sure a year or two from now there'll be some improvements. All the best.

 

wow
what a GREAT fracking thread,
and some sad stories, - condolences to all,

i've been married 14.8 years, each of our first marriages, neither were virgins when we married
she's a Christian, i PROFESSED to be, but that may be debatable - however it is something i am finally pursuing in a serious manner, for the first time ever.

i am 44, and from 6th grade till sophomore year in college, all i could think about was getting laid. i couldn't really talk to girls much, because all i could think about was wanting to screw em, and not talk to them/get to know them for the sake of being friends. - i was too goal oriented (sex) ((at least thats how i put it together now))

anyways, we have three wonderful healthy children who are enormously demanding of her time. i work HARD, when i work, and need to recover when i am off. so i don't help around the house as much as i could/should. i think we both do a poor job of demonstrating appreciation for what the other does. and i think we both underestimate what the other does.

we have had relations [nsfw]"69" due to my several years of PiED, is about all i can manage. i haven't been able to achieve penetration for several years[/nsfw], a total of three times since about may 15th-ish 2014. she has offered twice since Christmas, but i declined, being somewhere in the middle of a reboot, so i chalked it up to being "too tired", or "having just taken care of it myself.
she knows i M/O fairly often, (just not that its daily, on average), but doesn't know about the P.
the M/O is harder to give up than the P, since the M/O is a drug for me (antidepressant, sleeping pill, stimulant for waking up and starting the day)

her being 50, and peri-menopausal, doesn't help things either

i have put on 50-60lbs since we got married, i know that has to be a part of it. i naively used to think, "it didn't really matter what i looked like", "that the guy's appearance didn't matter as much as the girl's" as she likes him for who he is (a double standard, i know, yet, one i clung to)

things were pretty dark at the 7 years-of-marriage mark, i think we both resented the heck out of each other, her because of my online poker addiction, me because of the mean bitching/nagging she would do (about EVERYTHING) and the lack of sex. then, when online poker was outlawed (a GOOD THING for me) porn took over as the online vice, ever-growing in momentum, till now.

over the last year, i fancied ways to fix things - becoming more attractive to her, by getting in shape, doing more things to help withe the house and kids, etc., i never seemed to gain much traction (food and over eating is another medicine of mine.

i remember, in high school, i was "stashing" a friends duffle bag of playboy's, etc. and some VHS tapes of porn (this was like 1987, when my computer was a commodore 64, and a bulletin board service was the closet thing to the internet, BEFORE there was such a thing as a DVD) . . . anyways, my dad came home early , UNEXPECTEDLY from work, and found me whacking it to a dozen magazines i had spread out to certain pages. he told me to "put it up", "get RID of the bag", his advice was "SEX IS SOMETHING YOU CATCH UP ON, IN 15 MINUTES", and "KEEP YOUR PECKER IN YOUR PANTS TILL YOU GET MARRIED". not exactly a lot of mentoring.

now, where i am, i realize, sex IS something you can catch up on in 15"
INTIMACY, however, isn't.
INTIMACY is what i crave, from my wife, more than sex.

i hope to lose the weight, become more attractive, cure the sleep apnea, ditch the CPAP, get her back into my bed - to sleep and be near, yes, and have more frequent sex, but more than all that, TO FEEL MARRIED, and to FEEL SHE IS MY BEST FRIEND.

i love her, but it isn't a fireworks-flash/bang/boom love.
she has mellowed out on the bitchiness long ago, now it seems i am the one with the hair-trigger (as a response to the dark, 7 years of marriage mark??)
back then i think we went THREE MONTHS, without any kind of sexual encounter.

i think sexual pleasure is supposed to be the fruit of LOVE, and close INTIMACY.
not the the source
animals can screw.

i was just reading another post from a young man who is still a virgin, and is dating a girl he deems to be "asexual" and he is worried about an asexual married life, if they progress on to marriage. . .

for most of my life i had put SEX on a pedestal, as the end-all / be-all goal.
it isn't.

sex won't see us through the hard times, wipe our ass when we've had a stroke, etc.
LOVE will.

we need to focus on our RELATIONSHIPS with our wives, seek counseling, seek the Lord, HEAL our relationships, . . and the sex will come.

just my 0.02, from someone who is on the path, but not "there" yet.

don't mean to hi-jack, . . .
but there it is

 

Change ONE word in your sentence and you're good to go. Hint: It's the second one.

Another hint: Try "choose".

33 days, awesome work! Something tells me that the race is already on. And you've put the pedal to the metal. Keep it up!

 

Interesting thread. I too have a GF with low sex drive, though she does want it once a month or so. Apart from that, any more sex is a chore for her.

Ronin and obsrac are right, i think. Woman are attracted to confidence.

I am sure my GFs problem is largely due to that. I wonder if i become a stronger more confident guy (and less needy for sex) would she open up more (forgive the pun)?

Though, it may just be the time in her life (she's getting to about 40), and the fact we are both tired and stressed from parenting.

I will try to be more aware of my personality and see what happens. In our case, i don't think it is because she is not physically attracted to me, or that I am unpopular with other females. In Thailand, where we live, western men are very popular and in demand with Thai women. And all her friends are very jealous she found a (considerably) younger guy, unlike the usual older western guy with a young Thai girl thing, which is overwhelmingly common here. So, we are quite unusual in that respect and she often says she is lucky in that way.

Little does anyone know, i am a total sex addict...and porn addict.

I am sure it is my energy and personality not being strong and confident enough that is causing her problem. My addictions don't help with self-esteem either.

Either that, or its her age and parenting stress, but i don't think so cos she ain't that old and our kid is not that difficult. The first one mostly the culprit, i am sure. I gotta work on my aura and we will see if her withholding sex changes.

Anyway, the OP is a better man than me and i admire is faithfulness. Though my infidelity is not so much through choice, but more addiction. I don't don't wanna do it but compulsively do it.

Though, i would be interested to see if you (all) could be so strong if it were mating season and you were the alpha male. It is easy to be faithful when there ain't anything else to tempt you (except porn). I was like that too, when living in the west.

Oh and one more thing to the OP. I admire your commitment to her and how well you are doing with NoFap. You are truly an inspiration. But 6 years is a crazy long time for a someone to withhold sex. And we don't often hear this, but experts say, that withholding sex from a partner is a type of abuse in the relationship.