No sex with wife in 6 years.

Yes to NON-western women.

Bye!

 

Stop spouting nonsense. -___-

 

I'm quite disturbed by some of the responses here. Like what ronin667 mentioned, I also thought this was a supportive community, but certain aspects of it just doesn't sit well (and that's putting it mildly).

I'm Done-No More and ronnin667, I'm truly sorry to hear about the problems you face in your relationships. I really hope you can somehow figure out a way to move forward. Same goes for anyone in similar situation.

Stay strong and wishing you the best in your journeys.

 

Sex is meant to be pleasant and joyful game.

It is not a "must", nobody is forced to have sex !

But unfortunately, for many of us (mostly men), sex is like a drug. We don't "enjoy" sex, rather, we "need" it -- yes, like a drug, like heroine. And if someone doesn't get the drug, he becomes frustrated.

I can see this frustration here, in this forum.

 

Hello welmwerth,

thanks for your support.

I've started to read your journal (I'll read it fully when I'm home from work today), and it seems that we have some things in common. I also never had any (sexual) relationships until I met my current wife, because I, too, have those social anxiety issues.

I'm just curious, you don't have to answer if you don't want to, but did you too grow up with a very low self-esteem?

I've been thinking a lot about this and I think that lack of self esteem is a very under-estimated problem.

Women love men with self esteem, but at the same time, they don't seem to be aware of that fact.
I've read enough stories about forever-alone guys in their 20s, 30s or even 40s who can't seem to get a relationship, and I've experienced it myself.
The advice that's given to them most of the time revolves about improving their physical appearance (lose weight! exercise! change your clothing style! get a better haircut! etc.).
But nobody seems to realize that physical appearance often isn't the problem at all. I've seen guys that were a lot uglier, or dumber, or poorer, or meaner (or all of them at once) than I am and still had no trouble finding a partner.

The interesting fact is that even women themselves don't seem to be aware how important a man's self esteem is for his attractiveness. When I asked female friends what they thought was the most important factor to make a man attractive, most of them said it's the looks.

I'm convinced that the appeal self-confident and assertive men have on women is primarily subconscious, and on a conscious level, when a woman feels attracted to a man, she'll attribute it to his looks, when it's really his behaviour and status.

What does this have to do with the marriage of I'm Done-No More, or mine?

When you search online for men complaining about their wives not wanting to sleep with them any more, you'll find many cases where it's easy to pin-point the reason, like stress due to work or childbirth, illness, boredom, or decline in attentiveness towards each other. But then there are cases where she refuses intimacy for no apparent reason; often she wouldn't even discuss the subject, and increased attentiveness even puts her more off (you can read a similar story in my journal). The simple reason is that she doesn't find him attractive any more.

But why doesn't she say that clearly and openly? - Because she doesn't know herself. It doesn't occur to her that she's missing his self esteem, because she never was aware in the first place that it was an important part of what made him attractive to her.

Sadly, our fellow fapstronaut I'm Done-No More didn't disclose any more details about his marriage or himself, but I bet that he too is suffering from lack of self esteem. Either he lost it over time for whatever reason, or he never really had it, and his wife only realized that after the marriage.

It's the same with me: In the beginning, my wife maybe didn't mind that I'm a weak personality, or she didn't realize it. Then, over time, she learned that I can't stand up for myself, she gradually lost all respect for me, and subconsciously demoted me to an employee rather than boyfriend/husband. So, whatever appeal I might have had on her is gone, but she's not aware of that. She only knows that she's no longer attracted to me, but she can't tell why. She thinks that's just the natural way it goes.

For you, as somebody who still hasn't had a relationship for reason of social anxiety, this means that you MUST overcome this problem BEFORE you enter a relationship, or you will end up trapped in a love- and/or sexless marriage like him and me.

I remember when I was about 17, seems a thousand centuries ago.
I watched "Ferris Bueller's Day Off", a hilarious 80s comedy film. In one scene, Matthew Broderick's character breaks the 4th wall with this line:

When I watched that film and heard that line, I tought: "Oh shit, this is going to happen to me."
Unsurprisingly, it did, exactly as the character said.

Phew, that was a long post. I hope I didn't bore anyone to death.

 

There is a lot more to a relationship than sex. I wish you guys that are struggling the best and hope you can work things out, and perhaps make a breakthrough with your significant others at some point.

 

I agree, but if there's a discrepancy between the expectations of both partners, then it's a problem.
Over the last few days, not least througt some good points I've read in these forums, I've come to the conclusion that the lack of sex and physical intimacy in my wife's and my relationship is just a symptom of some serious, deeper rooted problems that have to do with my personality.
Unfortunarely, I have no idea so far what to do about it.
I guess with I'm Done-No More it's no different.

 

Hello I'm Done-No More,

OK, seems I've jumped to a few false conclusions about you and the reasons for your situation. Apparently, there /is/ a physical attraction issue in your marriage, though I don't think it's the only problem.

That sounds like an excuse. She just doesn't want to tell you that she's no longer attracted to you, otherwise she'd happily agree to resort to other means of mutual sexual stimulation, if penetration is too cumbersome for anatomical reasons.

In this situation, I fully understand that even a handjob is too much for her. You can't demand that from her; a handjob does nothing for her (unless you give her one, too).
You don't want her to just give you sexual relief, do you? If you did, you could as well just continue to PMO. No, you want that she does something sexual with you because she loves you and because you turn her on.
At least the latter is no longer the case. Maybe because she has lost trust in you because of the financial issue. Maybe it's other things, you probably know.

But I think the fact that you try NoFap is an important step into the right direction: If you can manage to quit PMO, this could mean that you have enough willpower to also overcome your overweight problem. In my opinion, obesity and PMO addiction (or other addictions) are very similar psychologically.

Anyway, I wish you good luck with that.

Greetings
Oliver

 

Marriage Problems

What about this? I am currently married to a woman I met on a porn website. She was obese, unattractive, with an ugly personality... BUT, she fed my abnormal desires, to a point. We were located near each other and eventually moved in together. Eventually, we cohabitated for so long that it just felt natural for us to take the next step and get married. We have almost nothing in common. She is addicted to a "porn lifestyle" [NSFW]"Queen"/domme personality[/NSFW], that she believes can play out in real life. She is manic depressive to the point of an inability to hold a job, so she is on SSI.

We have been together since 2006, married since 2008. I "rescued" her and her 3 kids (now all adult age) from poverty, so I feel a paternal/spousal responsibility to keep it up. I don't want to leave her worse off than I found her. I tell her I love her, but I don't know. I also told her that I am not attracted to her, after she badgered me for over an hour in an argument about my porn habits, of which she strongly disapproves. Of course, that did not help our marriage and only reinforced what she already knew about our relationship. We have had intercourse less than 10 times together total, and have not had sex (or even tried) since Summer of '10, which was before The Argument.

I don't know what I want out of this relationship with her, although I am very afraid of living alone, now that I'm age 44. This is also marriage #4 for me, each one seemingly worse than the last. I feel like the Butterfly Effect (the movie)... If I divorce her, I'll just marry someone even worse. Meanwhile, I know I have not given her a fair shot, due to my PMO addiction. I can't count the number of times I chose porn over any chance to try to do something with her. You'd think I'd be able to find SOMETHING attractive about her body. Of course, it doesn't help that I don't even get morning wood anymore, much less spontaneous erections.

Well, now thanks to this site, I know that my porn addiction is unnatural. When I confessed about PMO to my priest and committed to try to not do it anymore, my brain was like: "But, what about ... (insert favorite unnatural fetish)!!!" When I realized that I would not be able to look at that type of porn, because it was a trigger, I chose the low road and DECIDED to PMO. Now, I know that I need to REBOOT my brain, in order to fully recover from an unhealthy PMO addiction. It turns out that IT IS NOT NATURAL to be attracted to these weird sex acts that can only be found online. I am now saying NO MORE! I cannot wait until my brain reboots, so I can make some healthy, serious life and relationship decisions.

I truly wish I'm Done-No More and everyone else having serious relationship problems due to PMO the best of luck. We all can only do so much without the help of each other. Good luck to all!

Jim

 

Hey I'm Done No More. One thought is for you and your wife to get into better shape together. That's something you both can do together to take your relationship a step in a positive direction. I'm working on weight issues as well and my unhealthy relationship with food. I know for myself that when I have been in better shape, I've felt more attractive and more interested in sex. And even if your wife isn't interested, you could work on improving your health anyway. Do it for yourself. It's never too late! My dad had weight and related health problems for a long time. He's almost 70 now. About 10 years he started eating healthy, watching his portions, and riding an exercise bike everyday. It's made a huge difference for him. Regardless, you'll find support here as you work through your difficulties.

 

Hey jrb, it sounds possibly like an unhealthy relationship to be in. I can't say from the outside however. But if the only reason you're staying in this relationship is that you're afraid to end up with someone worse, that might not be a good reason to stay.

We all fall into patterns in our lives. I know I've had some unhealthy patterns related to dating and relationships. But we can break those patterns, we can better ourselves, and have healthier and happier lives and relationships.

 

Hey I'm Done No More,

Perhaps you could take up meditation together with your wife? As you learn to pay attention to your compulsive thought patterns, you will find that you're more mindful when you eat. As you pay attention as you eat, you will realize sooner when you're full. As you realize sooner when you're full, you will stop eating sooner, having had the satisfaction of eating until you felt full and the satisfaction of having controlled your intake by listening to your body.

Learning to be more aware in daily living has been a huge blessing for me. I can distinguish whether I am hungry, or simply thirsty. I can distinguish whether I really want to talk, or whether talking is not proper in my present state of mind. I honestly think meditation can serve as a magic pill in your marriage.

Cheers!

 

Hey! I've been reading this post.

I think your ALL of your marriage problems are a consecuence of the health problems that you and your wife have.

Go see a doctor and lose weight.
Buy healthier food, stop eating greasy meals.
Tell the doctor about the problems she has with her knees. What can she do about it? All the positions can't be lost!
Your sleep apnea is due to obesity!
If you lose weight you'll probably stop needing the cpap -> you'll sleep with your wife -> if both get healthier and happier -> ??? -> sex!

Change habits!

That's just my perception though.

 

Have you brought up sleeping in the same bed at all?

~Squeaky Soul

 

Hi I'mDoneNoMore,

I agree with IceIndie on that your sexual disconnect is most likely due to the health problems you and your wife have.
I think it would be an amazing idea to get a gym subscription together or practice some other sport, while having fun and as quality time with each other. If you put in the hours and be patient, I'm sure in a couple of months you'll be able to rediscover your sexual relationship, feel better individually and about each other.

Being physically active is extremely important for your health, regardless of whether you're married, single, divorced, employed, unemployed... this is your life man, health and energy should be among your top priorities no matter what.
Good luck!

 

@Ronin667- man I'm impressed with your humility, "I don't know if it's a consequence or a reason".

@I'm Done-no More- I vote with anthrope- if physical intimacy is right out w/ your wife, try for spiritual intimacy. You said you have a pastor ("Otto") so I'm assuming you're religious. Maybe you can try to pray with your wife? It may at least begin to meet a need in your heart for intimacy.
You've got to win her heart again. Sex won't be the beginning of that, but the fruit. Hang in there!

 

Impressive humility - an interesting paradox.

I'm a bit confused by your post, what's humble about not knowing whether you PMO because you have marriage problems, or whether you have marriage problems because you PMO?