no sex with wife so turned to a friend

I feel bad for your wife.

 

I feel worse for that other woman's husband

 

When you are in a relationship you have many responsibilities to the other person: one of them is sex.

It is unfair to refuse your partner sex for 12 years.

If she doesn't want a sex life, does that mean he has to live the rest of his life celibate as well?

 

Wasn't he refusing her sex? That is not very reasonable.

 

Hi. I am relatively new on this forum(6days) but wanted to comment on your post. I am 59 and was porn free for 18 years until about 2 years ago. It seemed more exciting and easier than making love to my wife. As a Christian man I knew it was wrong and have been fighting it the whole time but constantly losing. It started with simple chatting on a game then sexting then hardcore masturbation videos when I cut off all access to chatting. I stopped chatting because the women wanted to meet me for sex and I knew I couldn't cross that line or I would be done. I told my wife early on about my problem and we have worked together on overcoming my addiction. I couldn't do it without her. She never withheld sex from me though which is about once per week. As I work through root issues we are getting closer than ever and its great.
My point is this. Is the affair just an extension of your addiction? You said you cant help yourself. If you stop the affair and the PMO would your relationship with your wife improve to the point where you could work together on your addiction and root issues and to the point of her enjoying and wanting sex. My experience has been that the root issues in my life have caused marriage and intimacy issues that can lead to no sex. I would guess your wife would say there are much bigger reasons for not wanting sex.

 

I don't know all of your story, and I don't beat up people. Twelve years without sex, I can't imagine how frustrating that must be! How could I condemn you?
But from reading I still get the impression that sex with your friend was the easy way out. I am pretty much certain that if you put all the cards on the table, you would have to admit that you didn't try everything to rekindle the passion in your marriage or to work through whatever problems turned up over time. Have you ever talked to your wife about PMO? Did she find out you were sliding into porn? Was she okay with it?

Sadly, you have chosen to live in a house of cards. And you know what they say about those.

One last question for you: If your wife for whatever reason showed sexual interest again, would you chose her over your friend? Would you be as willing to fight against ED, PIED and PMO?

 

My opinion:
My friend,remember that someday,with your friend,you'll have the same problems that you are now having with your wife.Until when you'll run mate?your libido is sure to get down mate as you become old.what will you do then,find a new friend again?
but you're free to choose whatever you feel that is sensible in your life situation.You should be responsible for your decisions mate.

 

I think she's double-dickin'

 

How was your home life growing up? How did you relate to your mom and your dad?

 

Some good points here.

It isn't just about the physical act of sex. People in sexless relationships crave to be close and intimate with another person. The talking part. The personal part. The mental and emotional part of love-making and being close to that person you do make love with.

Sure we can try to be close like that with our wives, but if there is a huge gap between us (no sex), it's not the same. It's like friends, companions, housemates etc. etc.....It simply isn't as fulfilling.

At least that is my opinion, as I am in a similar situation as the OP, although a much milder version, though still difficult anyway.

I expect I will be in his shoes when I am his age.

I feel like I am in a no-win situation. Damned if I do and damned if I don't. I mean, people will act like the OP is unfaithful, yet he was pretty much celibate for 8 years. And they will do the same to me.

 

I surely am.

 

I think you're stepping out was entirely reasonable. When you get married you make a commitment to the other person and part of that is looking after their intimate physical needs. Arbitrarily and retroactively renegotiating the terms of the marriage contract is simply not fair. It is said many times that the person that wants sex less in a relationship controls the sex. This is the case for both parties here. WTF did the non performing wife and husband in this case imagine would happen when they just said "no"? Perhaps for the non performers they just don't feel the need, or they are not turned on by their partners or any number of things but none of that changes the fact that they are not honoring their commitment to their spouse and the need for physical intimacy.
So from my perspective if the happy boffing friends have A: Tried everything they can within reason to get their own legal spouse onto the sexy train and B: gone about their dalliance in a respectful and discreet manner and C: practiced safe sex and D: not made tracks out the door on their married spouse. If they have done those four things, well they are looking after themselves in a way that the spouse would not, they are being respectful and they are preserving what they can of the marriage apart from the sex part. It's far better than blowing up the marriage(s) over a supposed "crossing of a line". The not giving sex within a marriage is as major a transgression as stepping out to get it when its available at home.

 

I guess the next questions is: how little sex and how many years should one wait?

I suppose it is entirely subjective.

Sex therapists / relationship therapists often say that ideally couples should try to maintain sex twice a week, if possible, and anything less that 10 times a year is considered a sexless marriage.

However, if there is a valid reason (health or something), then that is understandable and we should try to be strong and remain faithful to our partners. But if they just can't be bothered, then they are hardly being faithful either.

On another important note: if sex is withheld to punish the other person, or used strategically to get what one wants, then that is actually considered a form of sexual abuse in the relationship.

As for myself, I am actually having the best "streak" so far and, surprisingly, I feel little desire for sex, definitely no urges, so I am just going to enjoy this time.

I still don't know what the future holds for us. I deeply resent my GF controlling the intimacy. I hope things will work out, but I am not optimistic. I fear I will either suffer or I will come off the "bad guy". I will suffer either way, I am sure.

I often wish I had taken my time and considered compatibility when selecting a partner, rather than just going for the first good girl I met and expecting everything to be fine.