Some thoughts for others and a reminder for myself... Day 5 of my recovery process. Today was the hardest one since starting. I had some erotic dreams last night that stayed with me most of the day. I came very close to relapsing a short while ago. Everything inside me was working against me, telling me to do it. My mind was clouded, I couldn't think straight or focus on any of the reasons I had begun nofap. For hours I witnessed the struggle between my urges to PMO and something within me that knew I could not give in. I slowly started to lose the battle and my willingness to PMO started to creep closer into reality. Over the past few days whenever my mind gets flooded with images and urges I have laughed it off as PMO trying to trick me into doing something I was determined to avoid. But that part of me that had the strength to laugh it off had been broken and weakened. I got some lotion, toilet paper, my computer and prepared to do it. A spark of that determination still flickered inside of me as I was preparing to give in. I was broken and on my knees trying to find the strength to resist. I decided that I would go for a drive and just try to give myself one more chance at clearing my mind before giving in. It worked. As I was driving I started to understand more clearly what was happening in my head. I knew that PMO saps your will as a means to get you to do what it wants. I've been telling myself this since I started. But today that will to resist was lost. The enemy lies, cheats, deceives, and does anything to get what it wants. The spark of determination grew larger and larger until my resolve and determination returned and I realized a few things. At some point, you will have to overcome incredibly strong urges to PMO. My mind tells me, "Just give in this one time and then you will be able to push through next time". No. That is a lie. I will not lose this progress and start over. I have to keep focused on getting through one day at a time. Every day that passes is one more reason to not give up; because it's one more day I will have to earn back. And the urges I felt on day 5 today will be the same as the urges I feel on day 5 if I were to relapse. There is no easy way to end this habit. You are going to have to push through these hard times eventually. Why not do it today instead of continuing to say, "well, I'll succeed when times aren't so hard, or when the urges are not so strong". This way of thinking will get you nowhere. The urge to PMO will eventually push you to your breaking point. And when that time comes you can either resolve to push through or let it consume you. No matter how strong the urge, just say, "NOT TODAY". It sounds cliche but its the right way to think about it. Thinking about the potential struggles of tomorrow or carrying the trials/difficulties of yesterday into today will get you nowhere. This moment, today, is all that matters. Whatever the challenge PMO presents you today, just say "NOT TODAY!". So, after my drive I walked back into my room where I had the lotion on my bed and my computer awaiting my return and I smiled at how close I had come to losing the battle. You cannot control the difficulties you will face in the outside world that compel you to PMO. But you can control how strong and determined you are to face those challenges. I will not lose this progress that I've made so far. PMO clouds your mind so you cannot think. It extinguishes your will, your strength. Reach deep into yourself and find some part of you that knows that these thoughts are not your own, they are the disease. And find a way to stall for time as long as you can until that fire, that will, returns to you. That person that gave into those urges is dead. "If you feed the addiction it grows. If you deprive it, it starves and dies". Remember this, and know that every time you are compelled to PMO, that is the addiction deceiving you to get what it wants. Focus on the person you want to become and know that if you give up and PMO, you are giving up on that future version of yourself. Each one of us deserves to be free from this addiction and become the strong, free, disciplined, and self-guided individuals.
