Not (yet) ready for another relationship

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by mindflayer, Jul 1, 2020.

  1. mindflayer

    mindflayer New Fapstronaut

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    Hey folks, first time posting on this. Hope this belongs here.

    My girlfriend dumped me in April, after 2 years. She said she did not feel enough love anymore, which took be me by surprise to be honest. Yes, we had our ups und downs, like every couple does, but I didn't think that it had her feeling this insecure about our relationship. I always assumed we were both happy...
    Well, typical case of "not enough communication".

    Fast forward to about 2 weeks ago. At that time, I thought I was ready for another girl. (Spoiler: I really was not)
    So, I matched this girl on a dating app and went to meet up with here quite quickly. We were really hitting it off, the date went awesome. She was smart, funny, good-looking - the whole deal. And the best thing: She seemed to like me aswell!
    Second date also went great. We were cooking at her place. At the end of the night, she kissed me. Felt wonderful!
    This went on for about a week. I slept at her place about 3 times during this time - we did not have sex, though.
    In the end, she confessed to me that this whole thing was a bit too much for her, too fast (although she was the one to initiate the kiss and to suggest me sleeping over).
    In fact, she also was dumped recently. We both agreed that we were not yet ready for another relationship, craving the love and affection of our former partners. This could not be a healthy foundation.

    Now I'm thinking that maybe noFap can help me focus on learning to love myself again. Before being able to love someone else again, that is.
    I've spent the majority of my life having a girlfriend. I have not been single for more than half a year since I was 16.

    Sorry for the long post and my rusty English.
    Have a great day, everyone!
     
    PerseveranceToday likes this.
  2. p1n1983

    p1n1983 Fapstronaut

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    A couple of things to take into consideration.
    1. After a breakup our emotions are all over the place. So basically we are not ready for another relationship yet.
    2. Because of n°1, in the beginning people can show a lot of interest in you but suddenly get cold and don't want to see you at all.
    3. It's totally fine to go out and have fun with a male/female after a breakup if you just focus on having fun and not to start another relationship.

    In your scenario you did to much to soon. You spent to much time together in the first weeks and it became to serius to soon. As a man that is used to be only in relationships you probably gave her the vibe of a relationship and she of course is not ready for that yet, woman fall in love slowly in time. She probably felt that vibe and backed off imidiately.

    Another thing is that you didn't made a move at all. She kissed you and asked you to sleep with her several times. It's the man's job to go after what you want, kiss her, ask her out and escalate things to end up in bed to have sex. When a woman ask you to sleep with her is a green ligth to seduce her and have your way with her in bed.1

    Not making a move at all, her been dumped reicently and giving the relationship vibe right from the start killed any attraction she had for you.

    Next time just focus on having fun, keep the interaction light, go for the kiss, escalate the kissing and touching until you end in bed together having sex. Only sleep over after sex, if sex don't happend just leave. Sleeping together without sex gives a huge friendship or relationship bive, both works against you. And last, don't do to much too soon. Keep it to..one or at most 2 dates a week, woman gets bored quicky if they seen you a lot of times a week in the beginning. Leave her wanting more from you, don't give yourself for free 24/7.
     
  3. Ekalb

    Ekalb Fapstronaut
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    I had a familiar situation. Some pointers that worked for me (maybe it will work for you) permanently walk away from dating sites and social media, Love is not an algorithm, love is natural, not man made. “Hit off” truly starts when you can share your vulnerabilities with your potential SO, Vice versa, and not just some good fun times. It sounds like you outgrew her and Ive noticed it has been a growing reason for breaking up. Trying to be romantic with people you can’t truly say you know. Also, describing someone as smart, funny, outgoing, that’s cute but can you in your mind elaborate how she is smart, funny, etc. and most importantly why? One thing I noticed is that people fear the unknown, sometimes deep connections bring out the unknown powers of people, characteristics that you had no idea exists. For example, ask yourself why you are not ready, try to reflect and then repeat 5 more times. Relationships are not this fairy tale, everyday supposed to be happy and joy. Both parties have to be willing to grow through the storms (sufferings).
     
  4. mindflayer

    mindflayer New Fapstronaut

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    @p1n1983
    Nah, we both didn't want to just have a one-night stand or something. I didn't took the initiative because she had said that she wanted to take it slowly.. which she then didn't do herself, which I thought was a sign of her commitment.. Next time, I will definitely don't go all out at once or too soon, though.

    @Ekalb
    As I said, I think that I just really wanted to have another relationship as soon as possible just because I missed having one. I still do. But (!) I liked her as a person. As far as I came to get to know her in those two weeks at least.
    What do you mean that I "outgrew her"?
     
  5. Ekalb

    Ekalb Fapstronaut
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    @mindflayer

    Disregard that statement. I re read and had a better understanding of the situation.
     
  6. p1n1983

    p1n1983 Fapstronaut

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    I never said that, I said that you just focus on going out with her and have fun in several dates. If you are meant for each other, eventually you will start to date more seriously. Every relationship starts with casual hookup.
    Always look at what people do and not what they say. She said "let's take it slow" but she kissed you and invited you over 3 times! For woman, sex has to be mans fault, she made it really easy for you to seduce her in bed and end up having sex.
    she said something, but then she procceded to do what she felt she wanted to do. Be with you and just have fun because she felt good doing it. Your job with her was just show up and have fun with, keep it really light, not talking at all about relationship, have sex and see what happens.
     
  7. StarRider

    StarRider Fapstronaut

    Having sex doesn't actually matter here. And it doesn't matter whose fault it is, that things moved to fast for her.

    Don't meet at home, don't sleep over. Don't pretend you are in a relationship. You are not. Meet in more casual circumstances, maybe with friends present, maybe in public, and have lots of fun. Take your time, several weeks to months and let things develop naturally. You need to be patient and regularly spend time with her, lots of. If she likes you (and she does if she is telling you what the problem is instead of just ghosting you), then your relationship will slowly build over time. It won't have a label for quite a while, that's not a problem.

    A sign of commitment by a woman is when she starts talking relationship stuff on her own. That's long way off for you. Kissing or having sex means literally nothing in this day and age. You need to understand that.
     
  8. mindflayer

    mindflayer New Fapstronaut

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    Yup, as I said, I wanted too much too fast. Her aswell.
     
  9. Self-love is one of the most underrated traits - I encourage you to finish this journey and get where you want to be. I'm in the same place - I wouldn't be a good partner because of my own issues, so I don't want to bring those problems into a relationship.
     
    mindflayer likes this.
  10. toiletsafetyad

    toiletsafetyad Fapstronaut

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    I agree that self love and self knowledge are very important. On the other hand it can be a big pitfall to think that you somehow have to have everything figured out and be a perfect person to be 'good' enough to be in a relationship. Now I know that is probably not necessarily what you mean, but I think the fact that you see that you have to work on certain aspects of yourself can make you a good partner. Even if you don't have them under control or figured out yet. It would be a shame to let opportunities pass by to really connect with someone because you have a idea about yourself that you are not good enough or not ready. Also the fact that you can share certain things with someone close to you may make it easier to deal with them.
     
    FellatiousD likes this.

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