Ogling in the Workplace

I used to really struggle with ogling women. This is obviously caused or worsened by an addiction to PMO. Your brain gets used to seeing/lusting after an endless supply of women online that it starts to seep out in real life. Its like each ogle gives you a little hit of dopamine to help you make it through your day. It got to a point that his behavior was so excessive that it left me drained. I would say 4 or 5 years ago I really made an effort to tame my fantasies/ogling of women (they can go hand in hand). Every time I'd see a women I'd focus on her eyes instead of her body and remind myself that she is a person and not an object. This really helped build healthy mental models in my brain and to diminish the sick ones! This addiction really messes you up.

As far as the workplace goes. Its the same here or on the street. It can be a big distraction if you let it be. It for sure impacts the way you view them and think about them. The addicted brain only cares about one thing, pleasure. It's like the mouse who keeps hitting the lever for a piece of food. Constant reward is the objective.

 

I have been working on my SA tendencies of ogling since about the 3rd or 4th day of my recovery. I was able recognize it as a manifestation of my addictive behavior and actively Pursue corrective behaviors. I will do my best to answer your questions based upon my uncorrected behaviors and before I realized I had a problem with ogling and objectification.

For me, no one was safe. I would ogle women or girls on the street, family and friends, as well as coworkers. No one was off limits, even though I am heterosexual, I would also check out male genitalia under clothes. While that might not be ogling per say, but my eyes and mind instinctively would go there. I can recall instances, even in active recovery and working on it for months, where I would still “check out” my mothers breasts almost uncontrollably at family functions. This is an example of how bad this addiction and the behaviors can get.

At work, I can say I was balanced. Very much a functional addict. I don’t think it was a distraction that prevented me from getting my work done. Then again I was obviously oblivious to any affect of my addiction on me, so none of this may be true.

While I would like to say I am not a misogynist, but I always objectified women, so I guess I am or was. I didn’t see them undeserving of their status or roles. On the contrary I would probably go out of my way to help them more or answer their questions better than I would for a male colleague. This would be for my own selfish reasons, to be closer to them, smell their perfume, ogle them further; I would use them to drink in my lust or to fuel fantasy when not at work. I would also be overly flirtatious, suggestive, leering, dominating, and typically put myself into compromising positions with my female coworkers outside of work, or at work related activities (team building, off sites, lunches, company parties). I would also engage in emotional affair type conversations like sex, personal details of my relationship with my wife, etc. My addiction always had me one foot out the door with my relationship/marriage and looking for the next conquest, or opportunity for the potential of someone new.

 

Well said looking at women also can come from watching P when you stop you will see that it will become very easy and will see women from another aspects not as objects but as true friends

 

It resembles it, but there are some differences. My yoga classes are a similar dilemma. I've taken up yoga to fix back trouble and improve my flexibility as I get older, and I am really hooked. I started yoga two-and-a-half years ago, long before I decided to put a stop to my ogling. But I did realise very early that ogling in yoga class would be a problem because it would distract me and because it wasn't really fair on the women in class. Very strangely it wasn't difficult to stop. It's hardest when a new attractive woman arrives, when all I know about her is what she looks like. But after a few weeks instead of thinking how gorgeous she looks I naturally think about the poses she struggles with or nails with grace. It becomes more about her as a fellow yogi than her as a sexy bod.

But (strangely?) almost the opposite is true at work. If I see a colleague at work who I find sexy then that seems to deepen the more I know them. My ogling usually involved imagining the woman undressing and I've done that lots at work. I have stopped now though, part of my goal to desist from ogling alltogether. I'm reminded of one of @Kenzi's lists

There are two of those rules I struggle with

• Never confide relationship details
• Always talk about everything as if you are there with your partner

I think that's part of me. My Dad would do the same. He'd have affairs and while he was dating another woman he'd often befriend her whole family and really get inside her life. I love that feeling of establishing an intimate friendship, but unlike him I have never had an extra-marital affair.

The good news is that reining that in has been easier than I thought it would be. I don't ogle at work anymore (or anywhere for that matter).

I am now that I am deliberately abstaining from ogling, but in the past I would freely (but very discretely) ogle "the woman in the next cubicle or walking down the hall".

Yes, I did.

To be honest I am terrible with distractions. It doesn't take much for me to daydream or procrastinate. Annoyingly my most productive time is mid-afternoon! I had hoped that giving up porn would cure my terrible procrastination habits but no. It's on my New Year's Resolutions list, again.

Do you mean is it harder to take them seriously? If so, then my answer is "no". If anything it's the other way around, I am more likely to pay attention to someone I find attractive and thus I am quicker to pick up on the points they are making or the ideas they have.

 

We’re doing better than ever, and surprise our selves more each day Our eyes, minds, and hearts are open to give and receive love, intimacy, and vulnerability. Although realizations and honesty such as my post here can seem to provide a setback as previously communicated conversations are set straight, they provide further opportunities to strengthen our commitments, understanding, and feelings towards each other.

 

I have to admit that I am guilty of having ogled women. I know that it is not right, men should not look at women in a way that makes them feel comfortable.

The reason why I especially do my best not to look at women that I know (in a workplace or in social life) is simply that I'd want to avoid that the woman would then be angry me and I have to face all the consequences of my bad behaviour. If I look at a stranger on the street or in public, I don't need to fear punishment.

I am not sure what really qualifies as objectifying, but I can confidently say that my misbehaviour of having looked at women (and fantasized) did not mean in any way that I don't respect those women. They did not lose any status in my mind. It just meant that I was curious or that I desired them sexually.

I don't think it has much to do with porn. I notice that now that I don't watch porn I am much more tempted to look at women. I have looked at women in the times when I did not have any or only little access to porn. Looking at women is just a result of the sexual nature of men. It is misbehaviour that is very easy to commit and very easy to deny, the temptation is constant and it is high.

This is not an excuse in any way, just an attempt to explain it. Again, I think that a man has to refrain from looking at or even touching women. Nothing should be done that would make anyone feel uncomfortable or even attacked. But I admit that I have done so.