Open Letter to My Wife

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by JustADude, Apr 19, 2020.

  1. JustADude

    JustADude Fapstronaut

    My wife and I talk occasionaly about my porn addiction. Yesterday, I sat down and talked to my wife about how even though I haven't looked at porn in months, I am very much struggling abstaining from masturbation.

    Yesterday, I hit a new record for numbers of days without an orgasm since I was 11 years old. 12 days. No orgasm, not even with my wife. I feel like I am jumping out of my own skin, my mind is consumed with arousal.

    My wife was supportive and I thank her so much for that. During the conversation, she brought up something that she has brought up twice before. She worries that I think of her as a sex object. She distrusts the copious amounts of affection I shower on her, because she thinks I don't actually love her, because I have 'loved' other women on the internet, and now that I have given up porn, she is the only one left, the leftovers. She wants me to want her because we have a special connection. She does not want me to want her because she is simply a warm body, a doll for me oogle, and a penetrable object for me to lust over.

    All 3 times she brought this up, I said something to the effect of, "I totally understand why you might feel that way. But, I married you, I chose to have kids with you, I am with you every day. Those are my choices, I chose you, and I choose you every day." To which, she responds, "I know. I know. But I still have that negative feeling and I can't get it out of my head."

    Now that she has brought this up on 3 seperate occassions, I feel compelled to more thoroughly explain myself, and I think sharing the email I sent to her with the nofap community, might help other significant others in similar situations understand some of us porn addicts better. I don't think I am the same as all other porn addicts, but I'd guess that many porn addicts feel the same way I do about their significant others.

    The Letter
    Yesterday, you told me you were worried I only was attracted to you because you were a woman, not because I loved you, and not because you are very special to me.

    Well, I do love you. You are very special to me. I am bonded to you. It is a bond I don't have with any other person in my life. It is a bond I have never had with anyone else. There are no other people in this world that I have shared myself with like I have with you. 3 births, 14 years of marriage, years of struggle, moments of great happiness. We have built a life together, a life that is full of life, a life that is full of love and smiles and energy. I have grown so much since I have known you, but I didn't grow on my own, we grew together.

    So, when I think about all of the other people on this world. You are alone. You are the only one.

    Before we met, I was with other women. Then and until recently, I lusted over porn. But, all of those experiences were empty, like drinking a glass of air.

    When I am with you, it is different. There is a connection. Being intimate with you is not just physical, it is not just a physical sexual release. Sometimes, especially in the past, we have had sex and the sex was purely physical. But, more often than not, and especially now, especially during the last the 3 years, when we have sex and when we are intimate, the whole experience is more spiritual and emotional than physical. I feel love and loved before, during, and after. You are the only one with whom this is possible. No one else compares. I don't want that feeling with anyone else.

    You are the one. I am sorry I caused you to doubt that.
    Last edited: Apr 19, 2020
  2. Tempest12

    Tempest12 Fapstronaut

    Thanks for sharing. There's a great book you and your wife should read called "Cupid's Poison Arrow", check it out.
  3. Merc88

    Merc88 Fapstronaut

    Save that marriage. I try and be the kind of man I want my sons to be and who I would want for my daughter.
  4. engelman

    engelman Fapstronaut

    I know you have the best of your intentions with this letter and I have no doubt about your total honesty in this matter, but now ... put you in her shoes ... you've been betrayed, you've been lied to, and not only once, but multiple times ... you think you're "not enough" to your partner and that's the reason he's looking for sex in other places ... now ... do you really think a bunch of nice words mean anything to you? do they fix anything inside you? are you going to magically stop thinking you're not loved or not loved enough?

    It's normal she thinks like that. Healing from this, when possible, takes a lot of time and effort for both.
    akitty820 and Merc88 like this.
  5. JustADude

    JustADude Fapstronaut

    What is your point? I never asked her to get over it or negated her feeling or expected her to magically get better. I only expressed how I feel about the whole thing.

    My words aren't an excuse. They don't mean I will stop my recovery.

    I just don't understand the relavency of your response. Seems awefully negative... Like someone who thinks all relationships are un-healable. Or someone who has lost their optomisim.

    My marriage is stronger than ever and my wife and I are healing. I know, because I live this life and we have never been happier.
    Last edited: Apr 19, 2020
  6. JustADude

    JustADude Fapstronaut

    Yes. Great book. I learned a lot from it. Read it last month. Thanks for the suggestion. Even though we aren't doing Karrezza, the book taught me a lot about myself and my wife, and how to bei outside of sex
  7. engelman

    engelman Fapstronaut

    Sorry, that wasn't my point at all. What I meant was ... that you have to spend time with her but also give her some space and time to heal from this.

    I think it's better you show your love to her with acts, not with words.

    And I said nothing about your relationship being un-healable, only that sometimes the partner can't cope with all the suffering.

    Sorry again.
    Last edited: Apr 19, 2020
    akitty820 and Psalm27:1my light like this.
  8. MerseyPhoenix

    MerseyPhoenix Fapstronaut

    It's a nice letter and you say all the right things. She is right to be cautious of your sexual attraction to her as you have distilled it all down to one person and that person can feel used. For me, you have to get to the nub of the question, why did you use porn? If you used it to avoid pain and stress, then you will seek sex with your wife at those same times and she will know it. I'm going to guess that the answer to that question is almost certainly yes, in which case, you've got to deal with it (the stress) in a different way. You have to dial down your sex life to a realistic level and you have consider your wife might want a say in it.
    MJ93, akitty820 and engelman like this.
  9. JustADude

    JustADude Fapstronaut

    I am sorry, I know I sound like a grouch. But @MerseyPhoenix and @engelman, in my humble opinion, you all are giving advice first, without listening very well. Both of you gave good advice, that I can only assume was directed towards me. But, I didn't write the post asking for advice. Being that this is the nofap forum, I am ok with people giving unsolicited advice, but if you do, might I suggest asking some questions first versus making assumptions about my mindset.

    "I think it's better you show your love to her with acts, not with words."
    "why did you use porn? If you used it to avoid pain and stress, then you will seek sex with your wife at those same times and she will know it."

    Right. I agree. Did you both give this advice because you thought I could not understand my wife's feelings, or that I was questioning the validity of her feelings, or questioning why she hasn't 'come around yet'? I was not. It is very logical for her to feel the way she does and I fully expect her to deal with the insecurities and pain caused by my actions for the rest of our marriage.

    I believe that both actions and communication are important. One without the other causes problems. Being a better husband and better person (which I have been doing for a while now and continue to improve upon), is not good enough. The actions need to be coupled with good communication. I wanted her to hear from me, how much different she is in my eyes, I wanted to help her make sense of her confusion about how in my mind being intimate with her is not the same as PMO. My wife is insecure about whether or not her husband is physically and emotionally attracted to her, she is insecure about whether or not she is attractive enough. I am doing my best every day to be an excellent husband, but I need to tell her how I feel too.

    Also, I wrote the post for spouses of porn addicts, in case they were curious how in the holy hell a porn addict could claim to love their wife AND be addicted to porn. Or they are wondering, like my wife, how they are any different than a porn star in the eyes of their husband.

    Now... you all might be onto something. Was the wording of my email deflecting in any way? Or was the email worded in a way that would make my wife feel like I was trying to tell her she is wrong for having the feelings she is having? I hope not, but maybe I missed something.
    Last edited: Apr 19, 2020
    need4realchg likes this.
  10. MerseyPhoenix

    MerseyPhoenix Fapstronaut

    Sorry, if you haven't found this helpful. In future, I will only offer advice to you when you ask for it.
  11. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

    Did your wife like the letter?
  12. Les_Brown

    Les_Brown Fapstronaut

    Thanks for being vulnerable and sharing this letter with us, OP. I think it serves as an appropriate reminder that the way someone feels, regardless of how well you know them or how long you've been with them, is sometimes difficult to grasp without explicitly sharing or asking. Keep up the great work, sir! I hope your marriage continues strengthening as desired.
    Last edited: Apr 26, 2020
  13. You are not giving her the one thing every woman wants...Romance. You're giving her words and explanations and then you satisfy your own physical needs with her; do you have the customary drink first? Try keeping your mouth SHUT!!! Give her little meaningless nothing gifts without all the explanation and seduce your wife like she IS more special than any woman you've ever known. Don't even bring them home to her. Have something inexpensive, but special delivered to her every day. ROMANCE my friend will solve your problem and soften your wife's doubts. Romance...

    Giacomo Girolamo Casanova was the most successful seducer of woman who ever lived. There is a story told of him trying to seduce a famous opera star who had a lisp. She would not sleep with him. Then, he wrote an opera for her in which there were no words with the letters that made her lisp and, they shortly began an affair. Got it? Romance her...
    MJ93 likes this.
  14. SequinHistory

    SequinHistory Fapstronaut

    Yeah... I don’t know if aspiring to be like Casanova is the thing to do in any situation...
    Deleted Account likes this.
  15. MJ93

    MJ93 Fapstronaut

    I'm not sure if your letter is gonna change her mind like you once told me. Check out Dan Bacon's videos, his advices should be pretty helpful.

  16. You don't have to be like Casanova. I only meant that a man should romance his wife to let her know he really loves her or she may decide to stray.
  17. Real Roboin

    Real Roboin Fapstronaut

    For myself, it was his actions versus his words. Honestly why we are now apart.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  18. Very bold opening yourself up here. It’s the courage that defines you. You are doing what many will not or cannot ... face the elephant.

    May I ask what is your love language my friend ?

    What is your wife’s?

    I don’t know any couples who share the same language. Love usually requires us to communicate in a way we don’t naturally do. My wife prefers quality time while I prefer words of affirmation.

    We are working back towards being together and celebrated 15 years as last week, Even still I always feel she struggles to communicate in words; I feel I’m a wordsmith...whereas she feels I am regularly not “spending enough time”.

    We speak past each other a lot.

    an absence of what we most deeply want can chill the fires of love.
    Les_Brown and Lilla_My like this.

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