Platonic relationship?

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by NF SINCE BIRTH, Sep 13, 2021.

  1. I am not sure if I already wrote about this. I cant remember. Doesn't seem like it.
    I was visiting a girl friend of mine this weekend and I am starting to question myself what kind of relationship we really have.

    I like her, I always have. But nothing ever happened between us although we both had our chances to make a move but none of us ever did.

    We cant deny that we have chemistry. Quite a lot of it actually. We talk for hours on end and we typically meet up for maybe 20 hours a week. We flirt usually, but we never kissed.

    This weekend I talked with her about what I was planning to do this semester. She has been mentioning several times now that she dont get why I dont buy an apartment in her city. I always tell her that it is because I like to live close to my University.

    Still, I am visiting her city at least every weekend and she is my first pick to hang out with because she is a really good friend. Most of my other friends also live in her city since it is the largest city in the area and where people typically go to get good jobs etc.

    We talked about everything possible this weekend just like every other time we meet up. She mentioned one of her exes. I have just assumed that I am in red alert friend zone with her and I dont mind. She is in my friend zone as well. I have feelings for her and she for me but I just always assumed that we were just below that threshold of mutual attraction for it to work out long term if we ever tried.

    But now I am starting to wonder if I have been wrong about her for all these years. We could as well have been together for the last 3 years or so since none of us have really been dating and none of us seems to be ready to date in the near future neither.

    We talked about dating yesterday. It is not an unusual topic for us to discuss. She mentioned that if she were to date, she would probably date a friend which she trusts and have known for a few years. I dont need to join Mensa to connect the dots and see that she is basically talking about me.

    I didnt connect the dots right then and there of course. We went out to order some food. I talked a lot about people I was going to meet, that I needed to find new friends, people to date and so on under the assumption that we were just friends.

    A little odd that she didnt support me in finding new friends etc. I just had to disagree with her line of arguments about why I should not meet new people. Then she got a little sad and told me "but I like spending time with you" and briefly touched my ass.

    I got too much brain fog I guess since I didnt realize how sexual of a touch that really was. I focused on what she was saying, appreciated it a little but all in all my reaction must have appeared pretty flat to her or as a rejection even.

    A few hours later, back at her place watching maybe the third movie on Netflix for the day, I started to realize that maybe this wasnt the platonic friendship I had lead myself to believe it was.

    She seemed a little hurt for me not taking the hint earlier. We talked a little about it. I was feeling more off than usual since I am going off some tranquilizers. So I was a little shaky and I may have appeared nervous even though it was probably withdrawals.

    So I asked her if she got social anxiety. She told me yes, sometimes. I told her that I was just anxious in general. She asked me if I could try to just let go. Easier said than done I told her.

    I decided it was time to leave. It was getting late, I didnt feel ready to handle this and I was getting more and more confused. She followed me trough the rain to my bus stop, lingered around for the goodbye even.

    I gave her a hug as always but this time I touched her waist briefly. She didnt mind at all. I could as well have kissed her since it was the appropriate moment as some would have said. But this was just outside of my comfort zone already.

    She asked me when I will be back. I told her 2 weeks. I have a lot of questions I want answers to right now. I will ask her next time around. We have never kept any secrets. Asking her out would be low risk. Even if I get a no, we are still friends and no harm done.
     
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  2. Vanquisher12

    Vanquisher12 Fapstronaut

    Is this the girl you told me a lot about over chat or a different one?

    Well, regardless, the fact she touched by our backside, she said she likes spending time with you and was happy for you to touch her stomach means there's certainly a chance she wants something more with you. It's never too late to make a move with a girl like this who seems to genuinely show interest in who you are and treat you as an equal. Because you know her so we'll you've got a lot of room to manoeuvre and as you said yourself, you've got very little to lose, so I say go for it! If she feels the same way she'll choose you, if not then never mind, better luck next time, and at least she'll still be a great friend of yours.
     
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  3. It is the same girl and I would say we are in a somewhat dysfunctional platonic relationship right now. It isnt really platonic if we both want something more. I am a very emotional person. I dont just think about my own emotions here. I am also afraid of hurting her. But I think in the end, I need more answers. It is moving in the relationship direction but at a turtles pace. I have been pretty inconsistent in my communication with her. I need to be more straight forward and consistent. It wont ruin my life to just take a chance.
     
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  4. None of us have any idea of how to move on. That is pretty much how it has been the entire time. None of us are good at dating and we dont seem to know how to escalate anymore. It was a lot hotter in the beinning and it could easily have been something. She likes me and I like her. If I am going to live in peace with this and not live a life in regrets of what could have been, I need to get to the bottom of this. I am going to flirt more with her and see what happens. If I get a clear "we are just friends" response then that will be a huge relief. I need closure even if it ends in rejection. I suspect I am using my energy on the wrong girl but I will soon find out. I am pretty good at flirting. If I am just putting my fears aside. If it doesnt work then I can finally settle in the indefiitely friend zone with her and it will be as equals.
     
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  5. Vanquisher12

    Vanquisher12 Fapstronaut

    Once again this man comes up with some top-notch advice that resonates within my mind. I recognise this pattern exactly with the most recent girl from my life (@NF SINCE BIRTH my French friend), when we first met each other we started spending more and more time together, we started eating together regularly e.t.c, and since she went back to her own country, though we still keep in touch we reply to each other less and less.

    I admit part of that was my doing, I often took weeks to reply to her because I was busy with other parts of my life and given we always chat in multi-text walks it would always take me a while to think of everything to say anyway, and I'd like to think that with her it's the same, that she's just so busy with her life that she rarely has time to draft out a full reply. While I sometimes wonder if I should have escalated things with her, but the main thing stopping me from doing so was knowing she was only going to be in my country for one University year, and that prompted me to treat her largely as a friend from the start.

    Now I know I can keep her as a good friend and move on, and can use my experience with her as the benchmark for determining whether any girl I meet in the future is potential long-term partner material.

    It won't hurt at all to at least try and make a move, because at least then you'll finally know whether she will be an item with you or not. Either make a move or move on, doing one or the other is far better than staying in this constant limbo of wondering whether you're friends or something more.

    To quote a certain Sith Lord: DO IT!!!!

    If she chooses you entirely, great, enjoy your relationship, but if she decides to keep your relationship platonic then banish all ideas if a relationship with her from your mind and treat her as a good friend. I still think from time to time about what could have been with the three main girls from my life so far, but I can't change what happened then and all it does is make me pine for them and feel lonely deep inside, and that's what will happen to you if you don't make a concrete decision and stick to it.
     
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  6. Both of you have fair points and the bottom line is that I cant keep being stuck in this limbo. We were basically together for some time and I believed we were getting serious. Then covid and everything split us apart. It is somewhat long distance. Then I tried to rush things and she friend zoned me which was all right since none of us were ready anyways. But recently we have gone back into this grey area. She has been making some sexual advances, suggested that I sleep over some time etc. I am in no doubt that she likes me so I dont know why I am stalling. Nofap is helping of course. I am getting more assertive. I have no idea if she is my dream girl. Probably not but the chemistry is pretty strong and I would rather try than to live my life with regrets about her. As I said ealier: I got litteraly nothing to loose. Even if she rejects me, it is no way it can ruin our friendship.
     
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  7. Rev2.0

    Rev2.0 Fapstronaut

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    There is this thing known as the attraction window, and it's real. Basically from the time a woman shows legitimate interest in a man, he has a finite amount of time to reciprocate, demonstrate a masculine more-than-friends interest in her and escalate physical contact in response to her receptivity. If the man moves too slowly or not at all she will assume he's not interested or (even worse) attracted to her but not man enough to move things forward. When she reaches that point the best the man will get is the friendzone and she may not even give him that. This is the fatal flaw of Nice Guy thinking, which is if I make a move on this woman she'll be offended. In actual fact, it's NOT making the move that will turn her off--at some point, permanently. Based on all that I would predict the OP's chances of having more with this girl than he does now are pretty much zero... too much time has passed with them in a friendship state.

    The idea of a long term male/female friendship that simmers for years and suddenly explodes into a passionate romatic relationship makes for great movie scripts but that's not how things work in real life. Women, especially young attractive women, have way too many options to sit around waiting for a guy to make his move no matter how much they might be into him. At some point they'll simply move on.
     
    Last edited: Sep 15, 2021
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  8. Vanquisher12

    Vanquisher12 Fapstronaut

    Most of your point is good, but I would like to add something to what I've quoted.

    Being reluctant to make a move is in large part caused not so much by 'nice guy' thinking alone, but often by a lack of knowledge on what the signs of attraction are in the first place making the man reluctant to display interest for fear of what might happen if she doesn't like him in return, because if you do make a move on a girl who's not interested in you, sometimes things can get pretty nasty, particularly in this world of female supremacist groups that denounce all men as sexual predators. I know this because I have been there, some persons have treated me as such in the past when I am clearly not, and for a long time this made me reluctant to show my interest in new girls I got on a lot better with because I was anxious I'd be treated the same way again. This is what men want to try and avoid, understandably.

    Bullying guys to 'man up' and be more outgoing in showing interest without any education doesn't help in this case because if they don't know the signs of attraction, they'll simply be approaching and showing interest in the wrong girls more regularly, simply resulting in more failures and reduced self-esteem. What men really need to learn is genuine signs of female attraction that are definite and are true 99% of the time, so they can then tell whether the girl is receptive in the first place or not before making their move, and thereby only choose to make their move in situations where they'll likely be accepted. This is a win-win for all parties because the girls who aren't interested won't be 'harassed' in their view, the girls who are interested will be more likely to be chosen and not offended, and the guys will naturally feel more confident and in control of the situation.

    This is something I was largely deprived of in my young days, and led to what I described above, because nobody ever taught me key signs or what to do when I notice them, and it's in part the stress and worry caused by the resulting failures that prompted me to get into PMO. It's only through the work I've been doing to learn and try and make head-and-tail of these ambiguities that I'm becoming more confident and in control.

    Now, if only I could get chance to actually socialise for a decent time then I could put that theory into practice
     
    Last edited: Sep 17, 2021
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  9. Thanks for your input. That window as you call it, opens and closes several times I would say. It depends on the person and situation of course but I believe that right now it is open. But valid point is that I know her very well now and she knows me. I have been together with friends before but it isnt an easy road to walk. She is single, I am single. None of us are really dating except being in a grey area with each others. So I believe the window is open. I just need to be a man and go for it. If I crash and burn, thats ok. The second best outcome actually. The worst outcome is if I continue doing nothing. Meeting her again next weekend. Going to work out, stick to Nofap and be at my best when I see her.
     
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  10. Thanks. Not having a male role model growing up doesnt help. I am self learned. I was 100% clueless before. Not anymore. I can be cocky enough to say that I am 80% sure she likes me as more than a friend but even though I know with a pretty high certainty that she likes me, I catch myself thinking what if? It is not even something to worry about. It is my past traumas haunting me. My limbic brain saying that this and this is dangerous. But the reality is that even if I did something crazy like grabbing her boob, she would handle it. I wont do that but I have some ideas about how to make my intentions clear. Also, Nofap is absolutely important in all of this. Without a decent streak, I wouldnt even feel attraction for her. I need to feel attraction or it is no way it is going to work.
     
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  11. Rev2.0

    Rev2.0 Fapstronaut

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    That is a good point of clarification. My post assumed the man knew how to read signs of attraction from a woman. Obviously with #metoo culture and media pushing the feminist agenda, it makes it more important than ever to not escalate until you are dead sure she is receptive but I do believe there are still smart, beautiful women out there who want to lean into their feminine and have a man appreciate and pursue her in an appropriate yet direct way.

    You also make a good point that many men today miss clear signs of attraction because they don't know what to look for. In my case, while my father was a great man in most respects, he failed miserably in teaching me how to relate to women with confidence, perception and sensitivity... what is known now as "game." Looking back now I know I missed a ton of opportunities in my younger days from being so clueless. So I guess that is really the starting point.
     
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  12. She messaged me good night with a rhyme today. Pretty sweet way of hinting that she likes me. It was quite innocent. It doesnt translate well into English but the rhyme was "good night cat". I didnt come up with any good respinse. The only answer that actually rhymed translates as "good night my treasure". So I went with that. Bold move but I got to play it this way until I crash and burn or she straight out confesses. Going to her city in a week for a few days. I am confident that Nofap is helping and that I will pretty much know if we are on the same page soon.
     
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  13. p1n1983

    p1n1983 Fapstronaut

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    Just kiss her and get over with it. if she is into you she will gladly kiss you back.. if not she will reject you.
    At the moment you are just friends. If she is talking to you about other guys then you are probably in friendzone.

    Besides that.. I definitevely know when I like someone. Attraction is not a choice. If after 3 years you don't know what you want with her, is because she is just a good friend, not more.
     
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  14. You have a point but I blame PMO since 14 and past traumas for being this slow. My brain has been whacked. I could feel a strong attraction initially with her and we were together for a short time around 3 years ago. I am at a good streak now and I feel like things have changed recently. I was assuming we were just friends and that I messed up with her a long time ago. But she have been escalating recently and have triggered my emotions again. It is my job to act and I hope I am ready this time. And kissing her, if I dont then I am messing up again.
     
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  15. p1n1983

    p1n1983 Fapstronaut

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    Take responsability for your actions, you PMO'ed.. so the blame is on you. Blaming other things or people for our mistakes can lead to not taking action to fix them.
     

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