PMO addicts,shame and secrets

@GG2002

You're a feminist aren't you.

I have nothing against feminists.

I just feel like you feel the man in any relationship HAS to tell the woman everything. You talk about the woman's right to know.
People don't need to know everything.
And it's not a fake relationship to keep some things secrets.

Keeping an affair a secret is a problem. Keeping past pmo details a secret isn't.
It's only a problem if the past addict is still in fact and addict.

 

Sounds cold hearted to me.
Like you don't give people second chances.
Old Testament.

People change you know.

 

I don't know about that. I'm not going to make a judgment about @GG2002. I get where she is coming from.

There is something that we PMO addicts often, maybe always, have. And it is what often leads us to look at the porn we are most shameful of. It is the vice of curiousity. This isn't a much considered issue. But it can affect us all.

A desire to know certain things about a person, even a partner, could become the vice of curiosity. If it were then it would, as a vice, be bad. I'm not claiming deep inquisitions into a person are but I think they could be. Personally I'd like to research and contemplate it more to better understand the issue we are discussing. But the main point is curiosity can absolutely be a problem.

 

No you miss the point yet again.
Telling a partner you were an addict should be more than enough. It's in the PAST.

Why would that fact not be enough truth for you?
Why do you need to know everything?
If it's in the past IT IS NOT RELEVANT.

I don't understand why this concept eludes you.

 

No, im suggesting creating a relationship based on who i am now. People can and do change. You said you have.

I get where youre coming from with honesty and disclosure and no secrets. Im basically on board with all that.

But you seem to suggest a man is always who he was at his worst. No matter how long ago. And that is simply not true for everyone.

Some men do wake up and put in the hard work and fundamentally change and have no desire to relive the details of old bad habits.

But, i do think some level of disclosure is important.

 

Yes I feel like @GG2002 holds someone's past against them, judges them based on their past and not on what they did to get through it.
If @GG2002 was with a active Porn addict, then full disclosure would be necessary.
But a past addict only needs to say he she was a former addict.
Any other info is metadata, stuff of no relevance.

 

You contradict yourself.
Why do you not need to disclose that you were heroin addict.
But a former porn addict does?

Seem pretty one sided to me.

 

I don't think it is solely up to the partner to know whether a detail must be revealed. I didn't agree to tell my wife absolutely every truth. If she asks me if she looks fat in a dress if my first thought is yes I'm certainly not going to say that.

I would think most of us are hiding some truths in a relationship. I don't think that makes the relationship fake. Even if we aren't hiding truths no one truly completely knows any other person. Again, this doesn't make the relationship fake. If our love is based on what we know about someone then it is a love based on what we do or are. That would be a very fragile love to begin with.

 

Fair point

 

It isn't though she just contradicted herself.

 

I think that might be slightly unfair to @GG2002. Each of us are, to some degree, our set of collected experiences. I've never had a major problem with someone betraying me or dishonesty. I therefore am happy enough to be pretty trusting. But that's not true of all of us.

 

Except they don't. If they are in the past. They are not what defines them. They are irrelevant.