I feel you Rich. My situation is very similar. I had become very depressed and distant in my relationship. I had blamed my job. And my girlfriend. But never thought to look at myself. It took her leaving me to realize just who or what I had become. It's a very hard task to face yourself and your mistakes. I'm still going through it. Some days are easier then others. But I'm starting to feel like I'm making progress. I agree with everyone's advice. Try meditating. Read all you can on the subject. Stay active! Keep moving!! And don't do it for anyone except for yourself. And your son.
Anewnick, as you say, I blamed EVERYONE but me. Ultimately her youngest Son, with minor behavioural issues took the brunt of my self loathing, dissatisfaction and anger which is just simply unforgivable, I look back and can't believe that I tried to justify my behaviour to her....I was the definitive 'step monster' and I just can't believe I was so blind. I'm just not 'that guy'. Even in the depths of it, where I was doing NOTHING to help around the house, I justified my childishness with statements about how if the children weren't going to help, "why should I?", I mean, WTF?! All while neglecting this wonderful woman who was working her ass off to give me the chance to follow my dreams of being an artist, and putting a roof over all of our heads. By any standards (and I was existing under the impression that I had high ones), that is all fucked up and extreme behaviour. Depression, and porn addiction have taken over my life and left it in ruins. I'm almost certain she is gone, though I pray for some miracle that she isn't completely out of reach. But either way, without resolving these issues I have no future with anyone including her, and not for my Son who needs me.... Tomorrow I hope to see a psychotherapist...
Rich I know so many people in relationships like you describe. I was in one too. PMO turns you into a selfish monster but it is not who you really are. This is your chance to get the real you back and then there might be a chance to get your wife back or a chance to find someone new to love. Loving yourself absolutely has to come first though. I know you are going to do well and I can feel that you have had enough. You are in the right place!
Limeaid, thank you for the kind words. You might be able to tell I'm still rather over whelmed by the ACTUAL realisation that I AM addicted to porn and the realisation of what it (alongside my depression) has done to my ex and her life, our family and my life. In the spirit of full openness, I must also confess to previously (when more affluent) having used prostitutes and meeting online strangers for sex (prior to my last relationship, but clearly, it's all related). I should probably make that confession as a separate post?
Have you started a journal yet? Might want to start telling your story there and get it all out of your system. It can be cathartic to tell your story and what lead you here etc. Just find your age group and start!
I have now started Limeaid. It's a bit disjointed and random, my heads not really in an organised place....but it's a start....
@rich: Well whatever has happened now no one can change it.The bottom line is now you can make a big change for yourself,your son and may be some day for your wife too.I am not in any relationship but i know now what a woman thinks and goes through when her husband PMOs.You have to understand this methodology.You have to sink this deep in your mind that it has destroyed your life severely and now there is only one way out-and thats self improvement.You have to make this challenge for yourself.You have to start living,understanding yourself and start giving respect to woman then only things will improve.i know its very easy to suggest anything to anyone but brother it seems to be very tough at the beginning but as you move on this path and when you start noticing positive results I'm sure you'll realize by your own. So no further if and buts just do it man!
i never ever would have known that P has this much wide effect on every aspect of our lives.Means relations are broken,hearts broken,trust rooted out,time.money,respect,self belief everything you name and P snatches that from us.so why not leave this shit itself? I am and we all are very fortunate to share and help each one here.Thats worth of doing.But what i strongly feel is we must keep this challenge alive.I know its very hard specially for men as we get easily impulsed just by watching anything.Its very scary for me.I have read here that people relapsing even after 300 days or so.So better take a single day at a time it has immensely helped me.And if you are committed to yourself then I'm sure you can do this too.
