Porn addiction led to risky sex with men?

Hey, thanks for sharing your story. I found it quite inspirational (in a good way, not like go to create grindr profile way ).
I think that society nowadays is so obsesed with LGBTQ rights, that nobody speaks about one important issue: lot of people become gay, or trans solely from porn itself. "Whaaat? How you dare to tell me I am not a real woman? I feel like one, so I must be one."
I don't get me wrong. I truly respect all LGBTQ+ people. You may be whatever you want. But I think that we need to stress one thing: porn may distort your mind into thinking, that you're gay or whatever.
And as I don't know you and can't really tell anything about your sexual orientation, from what you wrote I think that you're typical example of porn induced gay. Or bisexual.
For me it was (well still is in a way) sissyfication. At some point I seriously considered sex change. It's pretty huge. Well it turns out it was just a kink. Kink that almost lead to cutting of my wiener. Crazy shit. (hopefully you in order to do something like this you have to go through series of psychotest, so I believe they would find out I am not really a trans. Never get to that point anyway.)
On the other hand, you might be bisexual, it's completely normal. But from what you wrote I highly doubt it. If you would there would be definitely some deeper connections with the guys you met. For me it sounds that the only thing that drove you was pure hornyness.
The easiest way to find out? Just reboot. Stay away from porn, stay away from Grindr. And maybe stay away from any sexual relationships both with men and women.
Then go outside and... Well just find someone you are attracted to. Not in purely sexual way, just generally attracted. If it's a girl, great, if its guy, great as well. Whatever makes you happy. Anyway you might be bisexual and be with a girl. The same way I am straight and I still dont bang every girl I met. I am married to one and I don't need anything else. Does it make sense?

Anyway I wish you all the best at your journey.
And if you want to learn more about my story, you can check this thread:
https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/my-way-through-sissy-hell-and-50-days-of-freedom.171930/
Its kind of my diary.

 

Your story probably similar to mine. I thought I was straight in my late teens, and did have crushes on some girls and did try to initiate but without success. I did masturbate to straight porn though I wanted not to (I grew up in a Christian household). One time one of my classmates bought me a USB stick in high school and I didn't realise they put some straight porn on there. I found myself aroused while watching it. I also had a bad prone masturbation habit of rubbing my penis against the mattress while thinking of a girl I liked - something which I've only very recently dealt with and put away.

My first experience of gay porn was accidental. A classmate as a joke sent me that "meatspin" meme. I closed it immediately on realising what it was (a video of some dude or maybe MTF transexual riding a penis in reverse cowboy while their penis swung around like a helicopter with Dead or Alive's "You Spin Me Round" playing in the background). But there was something drawing me back to that video after having closed it. Later on while watching some straight porn I found some random links featuring a guy getting his cock sucked by another man and found that somewhat arousing. And the guy getting his cock sucked was quite attractive too, mind you - Cody Cummings (str8forpay). That's when I started exploring more gay porn - initially starting with just jerkoff and oral before starting to look at penetrative sex. Despite initial repulse and embarrassment, I started watching it more and more and overtime I only watched gay porn. I think there was something about the way the guys acted with each other and the dual passion so to speak (as you tend to see both guys on camera together) that had me intrigued. I also liked that the guys weren't dressed or made up the way that most girls were in str8porn. Just ordinary guys, though often hot and fit guys. I had wondered whether a guy really enjoy it up the bum? I thought that was illusionary, the camera making it look like the dick was inside but as I watched more, I realised it was real. I did have an addiction to gay porn that I'm still dealing with and probably will not overcome.

But I never really acted on it outside. In 2019 after finishing my PhD (having set aside any dating impulses through my studies), I set up dating profiles to try and find girls and deleted my gay porn store and hoped to move on for good. There were some girls I was interested in but this never took off, and I didn't end up dating anyone. The pandemic happened and I lost motivation for dating. I had a new job as well fresh from my PhD but unfortunately the timing was poor and with the pandemic and there were issues between me and my new supervisor (I had skills she was interested in implementing but she primarily works with skills that I don't have, and the gap was frustrating at times consider the uncertainty of the pandemic of funding), we mutually agreed to split and I was left unemployed for 7 months. I was somewhat devastated and felt bummed with myself. So I end up turning to squirt, a casual hookup site, which also ended up being one of the worst mistakes of my life (which I won't discuss in detail here, but basically I got catfished badly by a scam profile leading me to lose substantial $$ - moral of the story don't give out money to strangers. Now most of the profiles are genuinely, but anything asking money for service for whatever it is, a party etc., then run). I was intrigued that there were guys so close by who were interested in doing stuff so wanted to explore that.

My first experience at 27 years old wasn't so good. The guy I met was in his 50s, gentle and comfortable but I wasn't exactly attracted to him physically. We sucked each other off and he ejaculated in my mouth. I remember thinking his dick is bigger than anything I've seen (certainly thickness of a penis was something I didn't consider until meeting a guy). I also remember finding out how physical it could be to play with another man, and definitely moving around I did get tired. I tried kissing the guy but didn't really feel anything from it so stopped. The second time with a guy was better than the first, because I wasn't as nervous and was able to be more sensual. There was a lot of body touching, kissing and sucking - a good 1.5 hrs. I remember feeling sensations I didn't think were possible. It was even romantic to some respect. The guy was also relatively on the older age scale at 47 but I felt comfortable around him and he was very accommodating so I left feeling refreshed.

My third encounter was a bit awkward. I picked up a guy who was apparently mid 30s in his profile but ended up looking a lot older and out of shape. He said he wanted to meet up with a guy in his 50s who could host. So I drive the guy from his house to the older guy's house. I was a bit wary as the mid 30s guy was apparently married (heterosexual relationship) and told me to wait in the car for quite a while until he took the bins out for garbage collection. On the other hand, I thought the gentleman in his 50s wasn't too bad, quite a nice silver daddy, and I felt safe. The guy in his 30s wanted me to penetrate him so I came around and made sure to put on a condom. Unfortunately, my penis stayed limp and I couldn't go there. There was a bit of jerking of cock. We only stayed at the older gentleman's place for 15 minutes before the guy in his 30s saw a message from his phone (his partner likely) and said he had to bail. On the way back to his place, he told me not to worry about being limp as it's very common and that I can get a pill to help. I drove the guy back and though he expressed interest in doing this again, I told him I might not necessarily contact him again. I was a little bit deflated because of what happened - and wanted not to have to face that again. If I was going to meet someone, I had to be interested.

About a week later, I probably did the smartest choice I had made in a while and went to a private sexual health clinic. I wanted to get tested for STIs and also read about PrEP (pre-exposure prophylaxis) as a HIV preventative measure and wanted to enquire about it. I had not had penetrative sex with anyone but nearly did so felt it was the right time to discuss sexual health. The doctor was very open to discussing gay sex and how PrEP works, the routine 3 monthly STI testing that goes with that. He also educated me about undetectable - which is where people with HIV can have unprotected sex and not pass on the virus to their partners as long as they take their regular treatment and are undetectable - meaning minimal copies of the virus in their system. I also decided to get the HPV vaccine - best if taken before sexual activity but still can help protect against some strains of the virus that could otherwise cause genital warts or sometimes cancers.

So I started using daily PrEP - which I strongly advocate for. This blue pill, often known as Truvada contains two ingredients - tenofovir and emtricitabine which basically block HIV from replicating itself and is there in your bloodstream to guard against any HIV virus that tries to get in. For cis males who have sex with other men, it reduces HIV risk by 99% (condoms reduce this risk by 90% as a comparison) once a guy takes it for at least a week when they start the drug, and continue to take it daily. Note the 99% reduced risk is relative to the base risk of getting HIV from unprotected anal sex (0.04% to start with), so the actual risk is much, much smaller than 1 in 100. That's remarkable for a single once a day pill. You can also take the pill on a 2,1,1 event driven regimen - which is where you take 2 pills 2-24 hrs prior to sex, then 1 pill a day for two days after the last penetrative sex act.

I do remember shortly after taking PrEP losing my anal virginity. I asked if he was going to use a condom but he said he fucked raw, and said he was on PrEP. I was a bit nervous but knowing I was on PrEP too I went with it. It was a strange experience that didn't exactly do it for me (probably the nerves and tension - ironically I didn't feel much pain, the insertion was tricky but I managed after deep breathing and with me sitting on top and taking a huff of amyl and just letting my ass go down despite feeling the pressure on my sphincter). I met the guy literally three days later and it felt better so a lesson that bottoming shouldn't be dismissed if the first time isn't as good as it seems.

Since meeting the guy, I have met guys on at least 30 different occasions, mostly bareback encounters. I've only had sex with condoms 4 times, if the guy wanted to use them. I will admit there have been some dud hookups here and there but also some that really made me feel good and fulfilled. It's definitely not an easy road to hookup as everyone has different expectations and you will get both your good and bad. I didn't contract any STIs for the first 1.5 years (probably pandemic driven) but I did get chlamydia 3 times since, 2 occasions asymptomatic. I was shocked at first but have come to accept it as it was very treatable with few lasting consequences, though I do sometimes regret my risky choices.

Perhaps one of my riskiest hours was an encounter I had in March 2022. The guy met me via grindr and I went to his place. He had been asking me about "pnp" (party and play). I had avoided it, or at very least avoided getting into it, telling the other person they were entitled to use it if they wished. A few days prior I had met someone and used some weed with them. I had previously done weed before years earlier so it didn't bother me one bit. When I met the guy, he had a pipe with white crystalline substance (crystal methamphetamine) and asked if I wanted to try. I was a little hesitant but he seemed nice so I did accept. There was a bit of a buzz to it I admit and I was open to that. He also gave me liquid G mixed in with coke, quite likely to counter some of the stimulant effects of the meth.

We then started to have sex with him as the top and I really enjoyed it. But probably the one thing that occurred that night that I would reverse if I could among other things was accepting his tenacious pleas with me to try "blasting" with him. He had some syringes and asked me to help pump the drug into his arm via the antecubital vein. He told me he was a nurse. I helped him do that, then a little later he turned to me and said he really wanted to try it with me. So there I was getting a needle into my arm (fresh needle thankfully). The moment he depressed that plunger of the syringe I felt it - that surging high - wouldn't have been longer than a 2-3 seconds interval. Suddenly I was super horny and just rode the hell out of his cock, pushing him closer to me. He ended up having to leave the place rather early in the evening (it was 9pm) and I found myself still hungry for more. I ended up meeting two other men on grindr travelling to them by uber, having sex at 4:30am in the morning. By about 8am the next day I started to feel the after effects. My heart was very racy, mouth was extremely dry that drinking water didn't seem to help, and rather irritable. I couldn't sleep and had some muscle cramps. I took berocca, ate a mandarin, had some oatmeal and swallowed some fish oil and vitamins. I haven't exactly had an alcohol induced hangover but this felt like some special hangover. I went to work a day later and for the best of 4 days, my mind was close to being a zombie. I couldn't concentrate and felt extremely tired and lethargic. I had very little motivational energy, and the dryness of my mouth was palpable, while still feeling the sense of being in overdrive with the heart. I started to normalise about 5-6 days later and perhaps the best thing about it was it taught me never to do it again.
The horrible side effects and how long it lasted just wasn't worth it.

I have since gone back to the drug only accepting puff (inhaling my mouth). I don't solicit the drug myself and use sparingly (certainly no more than once a week, or fewer than that) to avoid tolerance developing, and dependence, but I am very aware of how precarious the position is. I do have random feelings of wanting it, because it can enhance your arousal, heighten sensations, enhance horniness and sexual pleasure. Perhaps the driving factor is the energy boost so you can have sex in the wee hours of the evening, and perhaps with lots of different partners without feeling fatigued, at least while the drug lasts. I remember trying to have sex sober at 3am with a grindr hookup and just being unable to focus or perform as I was just physically out of it. Personally, while avoiding risk is best practice, sometimes you have to address these risks through harm minimisation strategies - find ways to lower the impact of your risky behaviours. For me, this has been consistent use of PrEP, and regular STI testing, and with some experience knowing my limits on meth or other drug use, though this is a very difficult line to draw, because some people do get addicted fast, I've perhaps been lucky that I haven't sought it out for my own personal use and do not as of yet form a dependence relationship with it.

I'd also have personal boundaries about what kind of sex you choose to have. Talk about what you want with the person on the other end, expectations and get a general vibe. These are not always right but you can always say no if something is uncomfortable for you. You can also let a trusted person know where you are going just in case.