Porn ruined my life attempt #3

Hi i posted a thread 3 days ago about my struggles with pmo and its correlation with being molested but its still under moderator review before going public its a very long post so im just wondering now where i can post what has happened to me and i can get some feedback from anyone here because im losing it right now with no one to talk to. Im 4 days in no pmo, but i still feel horrible about what i did 5 days ago. Idk im tryna remain stable.

 

Yea i know. But what i did is something i just dont wanna own. Ill just say it here shortened. I was molested on more than one occasion as a young boy, by 2 other males from my family. As i got older i seemed to have this experience buried until i started abusing substances way more than i should that brought back up these traumatic memories when i was 17-18. That combined with my addiction to pmo that clearly stems from the need to feed that demon that touched me when i was a child, led me to right here and 5 days ago when i went to see a ts escort. I didn’t penetrate or get penetrated but the was still stuff that went on. I hated the whole moment from driving there to while it was happening. I dont even know who i am right now

 

Thank you its a work in progress. Its really the worst ive ever felt in my life. But im digging. Thank you for your words

 

I do believe in a higher power, a consciousness if you will. I feel a little bit better today than i did before probably because im getting further removed from that detrimental experience but for now i gotta just keep on keeping on. Thank you.

 

Its hard to believe i was so foolish to make that mistake in the first place. I really thought i was able to handle my need to release at that point. But clearly i was ignorant. Thanks for the words friend i needed em. All the same dude

 

Maybe a i shouldnt look in the mirror too much. I feel i could never look like myself anymore because i just see the guy who was molested, lost his virginity to and only had sexual experiences with women who were escorts, and who saw a ts escort once, always in the reflection. I see a scumbag, a lowlife. Filth. I feel like im living my life as a lie. I get it. Dont let the past define you. Look and move forward. But jesus talk about easier said than done. Thats all i can feel. I know its not logical, but its how i feel. And idk about reaching out and going to a sa group. Maybe i should. But that would make me face this shit head on and it would make the problem much more real than just in my head and feeling. and maybe theres fear involved in facing it. But man am I disappointed in what ive let myself become. I really let myself go these last few years. Is there a chance at redemption for me? Can i eventually live in a time and space where this situation would just seem so minuscule compared to the grand scheme of things. I hope so. Is there any hope left? Im 1 day in from abstaining. Maybe the more days i do abstain the more these thoughts and feelings will subside, which they usually do less of overtime. But i need to never do it again. I have to at least try reaching a year without indulging. I will Thanks. Just needed to vent. Again.

 

I have never talked to anyone about it. Its all part of being a man right smh. Cant carry that around with me. And ive always been hard on myself. I try not to be but i feel ive dug myself in such a hole i cant help but blame myself and hate myself for it. Thank you for your response

 

I dont think its cheesy i think its true and makes total sense. Where you said treat yourself like someone you care for is similar to jordan petersons sentiment. Which is beautiful and awesome. I felt like I understood all this to prevent me from pmo yet it really is like how a drug addict eventually gets a tolerance so high he needs higher doses to get that “fix.” Im trying everyday right now. Thank you again for your reply