Question about what goes through your mind before, during, and after looking at P

Sometimes I knew what I would look for. Other times I just wanted to "explore". There were a few websites that I usually went to but sometimes I would look further for something that would satisfy me more. After I PMO I would feel nothing. No happiness no sadness. Nothing. I just become emotionless for a few minutes and after that come the bad feelings like shame and disgust.

 

The problem I run into is that relapsing just once usually has no negative effect on me, it feels great and the relief is amazing. I can never just do it once though, thats how I know I'm an addict, I feel the need to do it over and over and over until I either snap out of it or physically cant anymore.

 

For me I get excitement just out of the thought of loading up a porn website. Seeing if there's any new material.

Do I know ahead of time what I will look for?
- Usually yes, there would be a particular catorgory I would use until I got bored of that and progressed onto the next one. Thankfully I didn't progress into any of the really weird stuff that some people have. There's literally things out there that you couldn't even imagine if you tried.

Did I have favourite website?
- Yes. Some websites were great with the way they were laid out. It was easier to navigate and believe it or not the websites are set up in a way so that they draw you in.

How did I feel right after?
- Leading up to porn I would feel really excited, it would be like that climax at the end was the main goal, but taking your time to reach it made it even more exciting. I would often feel relived and relaxed after finishing up with a PMO session. However since I've realised that it's actually damaging. I can't look at porn in the same way at all, if I watch a video now it's still exciting but I'm filled with guilt and it isn't pleasurable like it once was for me. The whole time instead of enjoying porn I just think. "Why am I doing this? Stop!". Now that I know what it truly does to your brain I just can't enjoy it anymore.

As a SO you need to understand that a lot of people get to the point where they don't even want to watch porn anymore, but it really is an addiction, I would sit there watching porn and I didn't even want to do it. Loading up a porn website is the equivalent of putting a line of cocaine Infront of a cocaine addict, it will be really hard for them to resist, but it's possible as I have learnt.

 

By the websites being set up to draw you in I mean the videos would be laid out in a certain way. For example on the home page they would have like 30 videos to choose from, each video containing something different, so you had a variety to choose from. Also when you would hover the mouse over the video it would give you little snippets of what was in the video. It was like you could have a whole lot of fun just from skimming through each video. So you could see what was roughly in the video. And when you can skim through 30 of them in about 5 minutes you can start to see just how much a porn addict is slapped with something "new". This is what makes real life sex boring. Porn addicts are constantly exposed to new and exciting things where as in real life, a woman laying on her back in bed just isn't going to cut it anymore for a Porn addict. He/she is so used to something different everytime.

What do you mean by clouded his thinking?
I often had it where I couldn't concentrate on anything, like reading a book or doing some maths. It was like it was soo damn boring that I just couldn't focus, again because my brain was used to something new and exciting it was like anything that wasn't porn was boring.

 

It's an addiction, plain and simple, so there's no logic to it. Many men might have started off looking just as a young lad out of normal teenage curiosity, but it takes a hold and like any drug, demands harder and harder stuff over time. I think that's where the disgust comes in. After a while, "normal" sex scenes that almost resemble real life just aren't appealing any more, and you have to find something new (the Coolidge Effect coupled with classic desensitisation). You start to search for things not because you agree with them, or like them, but because of the compulsion to get the same high. I use the word compulsion deliberately. Most men don't realise they are addicted until they try to stop. It's not a question of just making a choice to use porn or not out of your own perfect freewill; you don't have freewill when you are an addict - it takes real commitment, pain, going though withdrawal symptoms, emotional lows, etc to stop. And it affects some women just as much as men, the brain chemistry and addictive process is just the same. Wish you all the best in finding out more about this.

 

Bless you and take care.