rebooting again

well last year i did really well. i moved country got a new job and just went for it.

i didn't use nofap for a long period and still did really well but i am sure the mindsets and philliopshies helped me. anyway, i have returned to my old habits because I'm making bad choices and taking the easy path.

certain elements in my life have put me in a uncertain period. i know this will help in the long term but i believe this has created a environment which increases the likelihood of making bad choices. Nonetheless i take responsibility for my own shit.

i have avoided like hell coming back on this website. its like medication that i know will help but just want to avoid. by coming back here its like admitting i am not strong enough and admitting i have to work hard on this again......my inner child wants things to be easy and wants me to be strong. well inner child you can only be strong if you work hard on working on your muscles.

i guess adulthood is about leadership and taking responsibility. at the same its about not whining like a bitch and doing the hard things that make you strong. and boom already philiosphising and reflecting on this stuff is helping me create a strong model in my mind.

 

well I'm touching base.

at the moment Im strongly getting my shit together and I'm achieving my goals. there however seems to be a pragmatic coldness to me. i am in no way radiating a glow of energy but at the same time this pragmatism is getting me through each day effectively. I am not even thinking about fapping because i feel the pressure of having to sort out life shit.

the bottom line is id rather be in this mode than in a porn vortex. people might say to me you should be happy and i say it to myself. However, the reality is at this stage of reboot and in my life its really superfluous. am I making right choices? yes. am i getting on with it? yes. am i taking on responsibility yes. am i happy? no. well thats being an adult.

when i reread my first post I said my inner child wants me to be strong and have an easy life. well i guess i have found my strength and i can't bitch out being scared of getting on with it.

 

so the week is over and now the real test.

for me the week is fine as i have jobs to do and i have to be on it or ill know it will create havoc. Lucky for me thats fine as it keeps me focused. However, I have now hit all my targets. yes part of me thinks I can do more but the truth is that i should just chill and relax.

and here is where i am susceptible to a porn vortex. its great at killing time. its also fucking cheap. and also completely anonymous.

the situation i am in and have put myself here is that it is a bank holiday and i don't have much to do. how to i chill out? and not be annoyed i am just chilling and being unproductive watching netflix or just crap on youtube. I need to take it easy but hate doing nothing. in a strange way a porn vortex is exciting because its chaos but its so fucking dumb.

i need to just chill and get good at that but honestly its hard. i guess there are two ends. using porn to deal with stress or using porn when you are bored. the trick in getting your shit together is getting yourself in the middle of that spectrum. simply coming on here and typing negates that boredom.

 

so i have hit 7 days and it has been pretty smooth which is good. I need to keep my focus but as I've done it before i am more accepting of the discomfort as i know long term what it brings.

its saturday night and i feel like i should be going out. I have that "fomo" feeling which is childish because i need to do the sensible thing and rest. I just think for me because I've spent so much time in my life missing out cause of porn vortexing i need to squeeze out what time i have left. this effectively causes pressure and can lead me to anaesthetise the pain with porn.

its all about being patient it will come good but you must make sacrifices and listen to your logical brain which is saying slow down. its annoying but i understand.

 

so a 3 day weekend and its morning and I'm very tired. i really don't know what to call it:

my inner child or addictive side or my adrenalin craving side

are creeping up on me. i know i need to do the hard thing that makes me strong. I hate that weak feeling afterwards. as expected you have difficult times. so I'm going to journal here till i can logically justify what i need to do.

basically today i need to do paperwork and go to the gym......... I'm laughing to myself. i mean imagine telling an addicted child who loves adrenaline that they need to sit down and do paperwork then go the gym. no wonder I'm task avoiding and then feeling like shit.

its so stupid.

just writing a few lines here i get it. makes me appreciate the guys who set this site up.

yes today is difficult but really not at all. people have cancer, people get run over crossing the road. my problems are pathetic. i really need to grow up.

get up make eggs
listen to music

take computer to library and work then go to gym.

come back and watch youtube. thats the deal.

 

back at work and things are running smoothly. i know from before when i have rebooted things have been hard but now my life is more settled and as long as i work i can get through work days very well.

however, a frustration came up today.

when i porn vortex i have become very good at stabilising the chaos. i can bring my chaos into "order."

however after "order" i need to grow. this is where i need to meditate and do those things that give me marginal gains in life.


bringing chaos in to order is fun in a way as you get rapid changes.

however order into growth is boring as it is slow. i get frustrated and then i descend back into chaos and the cycle repeats.

it sounds funny but i now deep down that slow breathing like the wim hof method is where my next level in life is.

but somehow my inner child rejects it. I've done the cold showers for a while and believe i felt sick because of it.

so i do have an excuse. but at the same time i could just do the slow breathing but i don't.

somehow this is connected to my spirtual part. i hate that term. but its tapping on something.

i know i need to do it. like eating my greens. but i resist it. i need to add more later.

 

I'm getting irritable and i am catching myself at how silly it is.

today is a good day but i feel guilty taking it easy on my sofa. back of my mind i want to just do the calming breathing because i believe that can help me improve as a person.

if anyone is reading this you must think to yourself why don't you just do it and shut up! but I feel that having a good day and journaling should be enough.

when i review my day i was on good form so i should be able just to chill.

chill and be happy about chilling. thats hard for me.

i know that once i get calm through nofap that momentum will lead me into calm breathing. i need to be patient and it will come.

thats really it. but i wish i could just do this shit right now!!!!!

...........basically I'm tired because I've done well today and worked hard. of course i don't have the energy to start pushing to the next level.

i know how this will happen. as i get my shit together and work hard with nofap eventually in a few days at the weekend i will get a chance to sleep and recharge! once at higher battery level ill be able to upgrade my software.

i have effectively got that message saying my internal in computer has an update available but i need to connect myself to a main supply for the download to properly occur.

fair enough. looking at it that way explains a lot to me.

 

so did a bit of edging this morning. but then got up and was constructive.

today i said before can be a risk day as i am not working. at the same time i need to recharge.

once my battery is good i will start back on my breaking exercises. i will try back on the wim hof cold shower method again.

today is just about getting my battery from 70-80 percent upto over 95 percent. i don't like staying in. i feel like I'm missing out on the world. but i need to focus my energy on my work.