last night at around 12 am i relasped really bad, it was bad not because i relapsed but because i paid for it. it honestly feels very bad for what i did. i need to confess. i need to let this out. i paid 800 to a lady who offered me sexual services and she sent me nudes, i masturbated to them and quite frankly i felt so bad about it the moment i released. I feel low on energy ever since. i feel very low in general. i keep going back to the past. it hasn't been as good, and unfortunately i keep thinking of it. i want to stop worrying about it, move on and feel happy about the present but i seem unable to do that. in my day to day life i don't have people to talk to. i watch movies almost everyday when my parents think i am attending classes online. i do skip classes and cover them up later but it all feels too bad, i try to read more but then interestingly when i do it, it seems like a waste of time and i am reminded of the syllabus that i need to cover up but the same diesn't seem to be working for movies. i can watch 2 a day and not feel guilty and i'd read a page or two or sometimes maybe a chapter and feel bad about doing the same. why is it that i feel so?? why is it that doing something worse off makes me feel better.?? i want to go on a dopamine detox and i plan to post everyday starting today, multiple posts a day, just to journal and let off all the feelings. I just want to feel better.
